CINEMAFIA

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER by jaiskizzy

2011-10-21T07:37:00.000+08:00

gist: after many failed attempts to join the military, steve rogers' patriotic persistence and self-less valor make him the perfect candidate for the super soldier program. from scrawny to brawny, he becomes captain america, the country's bellwether against the nazis. mighty shield in hand and the howling commands right behind him, the star spangled man takes on the menace known as the hydra, led by the crimson craniumed agent schmidt. all together now: america, fuck yeah!

reaction: does anyone else rememer the old captain america cartoon with the stiff movements and the very catchy theme? how about the low-budget captain america movie in the '90s? beyond those two and a few comic issues, i really didnt know much about the guy with the capital a on his forehead. wasnt really into the character, probably because im pinoy. so, when the news of this movie being made broke out, other than solidifying the possibility of an avengers movie, i didn't know what to expect. will it be a great comic book movie in line with its marvel predecessors? will it be an indiana jonesy adventure flick? will it be chock full of action but story anemic or vice versa? will i stop asking questions and get on with the review?

it's really good. it's one of the best comic book movies ever made, with just the right amount of pulp and camp, action with impact, and a story that's rich and compelling. joe johnston directed the rocketeer, which was awesome, and he was able to infuse into captain america the positives that made rocketter one of my favorite guilty pleasure films. much like the super serum, he took the thin pages of the comic book and injected it with his vision and made it come to pulsating life on film. i love that he took time with the origin section to really capture the essence of steve rogers' character and give meaning to his every move as the blue boy scout. a satisfying spectacle from start to finish.

i admit, i wasn't initially convinced chris evans would fit the role. he's the guy who wore the whipped cream bikini in one movie and played human torch in the other, hard to take him seriously. but i guess i underestimated his acting skills because the dude delivered. with the help of seamless cgi tinkering, he embodied both versions of steve rogers to a tee. i cant even imagine now what the movie would have been like if will smith had been cast. also worth mentioning were the performances of tommy lee jones and hugo weaving.

speaking of mr. weaving, red skull was just superb. apart from the other obvious uses, the visual effects on the villain was amazing. the texture, contours, the lip movement, menacingly creepy but glues your eyes to the screen. also, this is one of those films where you wonder if anything was left to gather dust in the cutting room floor at all because the narrative was smooth and fluid, with beat-perfect transitions between scenes instead of a firm chapter-based structure. heck, even the montages gelled well with the finely-tuned story progression.

marvel has done it once again. captain america is a testament that respect for the source material and the audience are the main components to a successful comic book adaptation. your move, dc.

good: the adaptation, pulp, chris evans

bad: peggy carter

ugly: hugo weaving

verdict: 9 vials of super serum

fucky barnes.

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON by jaiskizzy

2011-07-06T17:00:00.003+08:00

gist: after saving the world twice from decepticons, life seems to be back to normal for sam "ladiesman217" witwicky with a new out-of-his-league girlfriend and a struggle to find a job. meanwhile, the autobots have been doing some freelance asskickin and on one of their 'con hunts, they uncover a government secret that would make conspiracy junkies crap bricks: the old space race was caused by a cybertronian ship that crashed on the moon. earth is once again the ring for an all-out robot royal rumble that will finally determine the fate of mankind and the franchise's fourth film.

reaction: the needs of many outweight the needs of a few and the many disappointed geeks who watched revenge of the fallen needed a better movie, myself included. part two wasn't a piece of crap but it was near the raped-my-childhood level, particularly with the devastator bullshit. so explosions expert, michael bay, was given a chance to close the trilogy and redeem himself. end result: although this threequel is far from the excellence of the first, it definitely makes the second one forgivable.

michael bay is the go-to guy when you want to blow stuff up in movies. he has mastered the art of mayhem. every action sequence with the bots was pitch perfect. i couldnt imagine how he sets these up. you see a decepticon flipping cars over and a car that transforms then reverts to car mode and you believe it because it looks real. that alone is a testament to michael bay's distinct destruction direction. sure, he needs to do a lot of homework plot-wise but lots of other directors have that covered. only a completely misguided moron would come into a michael bay film and expect the profound and the pathos of kubrickian scale. the same idiot would easily get bored at the non-action parts. it's mike's weakness, yes, but these scenes are there for a reason. one is so that you could catch your breath. they dont require you to cerebrate, you just have to pay the same attention you gave the pyrotechniques and listen. (and if you did, you'd actually have known what a certain character was going to do long before) i really think there should be a sign outside to leave your elitist snob hat or the adhd cap of your inner child at the entrance and enjoy the mecha porn.

in the first two films, sam is thrust into the fray mostly because he cant opt out. here, with the world oblivious to his heroics, he involves himself by his choosing, making the character more mature, and i believe shia did really well portraying that. backing him up are some new faces, great actors in silly roles. malkovich as a crazy boss and mcdormand as a quirky government agent. but i liked the addition of tudyk the best. dutch needs a movie of his own. and so we arrive at the meat of the matter, the switcheroo issue that everyon's fussing about more than the film itself. am i alone in liking carly better than mikaela? megan fox has the two-movie, fantard-following edge, she's sex appeal in the flesh but she cant act to save her life. rosie huntington-whiteley, although nowhere near oscar material, had greater range as a first-time actress. also she had something megan fox doesnt: charm. and that british accent easily disqualifies her as a skank. case in point: in part one, the first time sam's parents sees mikaela, she just stands there, exuding the trophy-gf vibe to stress how lucky sam got. here, everytime sam introduces carly to anyone, she's so bubbly and affable. bottom line: cameron diaz clone > ms. stubby thumbs.

other things i liked were how real world events were incorporated into the mythos, the flying squirrel scene, and the comic relief. and i'll say as little as i can about the cgi cast to avoid spoilers. it's still good to hear peter cullen voicing optimus prime. it was cool to hear leonard nimoy as sentinel prime who looks just like him. liked the new ferrari autobot but not the wreckers. was still hoping to see starscream (my fave) as the scheming sycophant but alas he's underused yet again. still no sign of the dinobots or unicron. and when optimus prime said they had a ship that can take them to the moon, i thought sky lynx? omega supreme?!? but nah. it was astrotrain. (just kidding) also, absence of gestalts was a big minus.

anyways, transformers: dark of the moon was not the best way to end the trilogy (kinda abrupt) but it's entertainingly satisfying. the long queue an hour before screening, the applause when the credits roll and the growing profit from ticket sales mean only one thing: even if there's a decepticon that transforms into a toilet and rosie huntington-whiteley sits on it for two hours, people will come to watch. actually, that's a good idea if you think about it.

the good: the bots, the mayhem, the new chick
the bad: lack of strong story and character development
the ugly: john malkovich
the verdict: 8 energon detectors

sentinel grime

GREEN LANTERN by jaiskizzy

2011-06-21T23:47:00.002+08:00

gist: van wilder is a cocky cockpit jockey who becomes the first human member of a space police force called the green lantern corps. he is given a power ring which, through his will and imagination, he can use to make constructs in his fight against evil. with the moled gossip girl in tow, he must prove his mettle by defeating the hydrocephalic hector hammond and ginormous being of fear known as parallax. all together now: in brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. wish i may wishi might have this wish i wish tonight!

reaction:after the success of iron man, and most recently thor, it was no surprise that dc would expedite the adaptation of their titles. however, instead of following batman's triumph with a better superman reboot or a wonder woman film, they chose to imitate their marvelous rival and decided to introduce a second-tier character to the theater patrons. i have no deep knowledge of the green lantern stories, but i knew the basics. it obviously had a more of a sci-fi lean than fantasy, and so i, and much of the moviegoers, expected a visually appealing, story-rich space opera. however, with the opening backstory narration failing to hook the audience, this movie was ripe for nitpicking from the get-go.

the keyword for this movie is convenience. the script was written in such the way that nearly every scene that moves the plot forward seemed convenient. with lots of telescopes in the world, i cant believe nobody saw abin-sur's ship enter the earth's atmosphere. he crashed on a beach and surprisingly, there was no one there. and when hal jordan was whisked away by the green orb thing, he was standing in an empty street. i could go on but that would be practically retelling the whole movie. this lazy script was also peppered with cheesy lines and im not buying the excuse that it was intentional, for humor, campiness, not taking itself seriously. ryan reynolds sure seemed serious when he said "he was afraid" like a little boy in a bad coming-of-age b-movie. but i'll get to the acting in a sec.

i dont know what happened but this surely wasn't martin campbell's cup of tea. his direction had a lot of misfires and there were many poorly executed scenes. some were just downright funny even though they were meant for laughs (parallax's end of the street attack). also i dont understand how green lantern can fly from earth to oa and back repeatedly and parallax's trip takes three-quarters of the film's run time. also there's suddenly a big event gathering the main human characters where some shit happens so that green lantern can showcase his power publicly for the first time. and then there's that mid-credits scene that in the context of the movie doesn't make any sense at all. put there solely for the purpose of teasing a sequel without providing proper character development for the involved party. i mean, green lantern's weakness against the color yellow wasn't even explored at all...

the film had its merits but they were few. the cgi was nice, but not wow-factor impressive. i liked the second skin suits that channeled an automan vibe with the animated chest logo. i liked how the suit was a construct, and therefore had to be cgi, and the cumbersome putting on of normal clothes in contrast with the insta-costume was a good touch. there's little bits of positives here and there (like the star sapphire nod) but the only other pluses worth mentioning are the performances of sinestro and hector hammond. the supposed eyecandy blake lively was pretty much useless other than being the love story foil, which felt forced. as for hal jordan, it's hard to look at ryan reynolds and not giggle at his attempt to win an oscar. he's convincing when he's being arrogant, but beyond that, the guy from buried was nowhere to be found.

anyways, i guess this has pulled back the possibility of a justice league movie a dozen notches. a haphazard amalgam of what worked from previous comicbook films, this green lantern's light is pretty dim.

good: hammond, sinestro, suit
bad: script and direction
ugly: hammond
verdict: 6 power rings

the grim lantern.

THOR by jaiskizzy

2011-05-17T12:12:00.000+08:00

gist: on the day of his kinging, thor is instead punished by his father, odin, for his arrogance by stripping him of his god mojo and banishing him to midgard, as surreptitiously orchestrated by his envious stepbro, loki. with the black swan on his side, the asgardian douchebag must endure an earthbound lesson on humility to regain his powers by proving he is worthy to stand once again as thor, the god of thunder! (violently shakes a piece of sheet metal)

reaction: ever since marvel meddled in the filmifying of their comic book properties, output quality has considerably increased. a big slice of this improvement is the fact that the movies had been made-to-measure to please both comic book fans and non-fans alike. a great example is iron man, a relatively second-tier character in the marvel universe. after the two box office hits, his cosplay presence was cemented. hot on his jetboot heels, aiming for the same is thor, an even more obscure marvel character, virtually unknown to non-readers, especially when compared to the superhero triumvirate of superman, batman and spider-man. and pun intended, thor hit the nail on the head. (loki facepalm)

i thought kenneth branagh was an odd choice to direct but i stand corrected because loveless delivered the goose, especially in the non-earth scenes where the language is in shakespearean. when the first set and costume photos came out, they gave a campy vibe and the geek consesus was this would be the tensies flash gordon. but by odin's beard, we were proven wrong when it all hit the silverscreen in ethereal 3d. kenny has done a wonderful job of turning a mythical realm into a beautiful place in space and making its existence believable. plus, i absolutely must praise his theater-ish framing and blocking, and how thor arrived god-sized and gradually turned to human height as the story progressed. it is also worth pointing out that jokes were sparse and that thor's terrestrial descent did not call for a learning-the-earthly-ways comedic montage.

i genuflect in thought at the mortal named chris hemsworth. this guy came from nowhere and just ninja smokebombed his way into popularity. he embodied thor pretty well, perfecting that smug smile and asgardese. i also have high praise for the guy who played loki, who amazingly looked so much like loki. that was some great schemer/faux innocence/unhinged outburst acting. the portman as jane foster was kind of meh but better her than some bimbo actress who wouldnt have been convincing in a high iq role. it was also great to see kakihara as hogun but i dont think he fit the role. i think oh-dae su would have made a better hogun. and then there's kat dennings whose comic relief role was immaterial. darcy who? there wasnt even a darcy in the comics. i wonder who she to have herself squeezed into this movie. seriously, her addition was a subtraction.

so yeah, marvel has proven once again that you can make a damn good comic book film. you just have to have the right people, a compelling story and respect for the source material. sure, ticket sales dont necessarily mean great movie, but comic adaptations are always on a hit or miss case. and considering that the vast majority of moviegoers arent fans of the inked pencils and the onomatopoeia, thor is a thunderous triumph. can't wait for the avengers movie! joss whedon make it awesome!

good: hemsworth, hiddleston, branagh
bad: throwaway characters, single location
ugly: them frost giants
verdict: 8 broken mugs

assguardian.

SUCKER PUNCH by jaiskizzy

2011-03-29T23:17:00.004+08:00

gist: violet baudelaire is sent to a mental institution for poor marksmanship. there, she dreamweaves being in a brothel where clothes-deprived girls dance to survive. (why she chose that particular fantasy, i'll never know) in this imaginary realm, she concocts the idea to escape as per a wise man's instructions in another world she had imagined while dancing. inception much? with the help of four other girls, baby doll gyrates her virginal hips for attention in the first layer pseudoworld and goes kick-ass mode in the second layer pseudoworld to obtain the five items essential to their freedom.

reaction: first, a quickie on the sucker punch hate brigade. most of the criticism seems to stems from the fact that something else was expected from the film. some wanted packed action and were put off by the ponder-prompting metaplot. some demanded taut storytelling and were bitchslapped by all the armed fighting. why oh why do these people enter the movie theater to look at a painting? yes, you paid good money to be entertained but it doesn't mean you're just going to passively sit there and wait for whatever it is you want to see or hear and curse the movie to tartarus if you don't.

anyways, sucker punch is basically alice in wonderland gangbanged by 300. girls in an imagined setting doing unreal feats. but underneath all the fist and bullet trading is a story that, although simple enough to catch, requires a deeper train of thought for proper comprehension. but even then you'd still have doubts for certain aspects point elsewhere. that feeling where you need to debate what the movie's about or to recall details that one could have missed, let's call it the "afterview". and smart moviegoers who absorbed at least the bits and pieces of the film's true meaning will be engaged in further discussions due to a lingering afterview.

the pussy parade is led by emily browning. she's lookin all grown up here. i really didnt think she'd work, never having seen her in any role like this but she played the innocent girl with a badass slut inside real well. she also smoothly flew through the fight scenes. this is her show of course but it would have been greater if the same amount of screen time was relegated to her mysteriously enthralling dance routine, which was limited to the lame sway intro. as for the deuteragonist damsels, they did their parts okay but a teeny bit more characterization would have made the turncoating valid. plus in movies like this, you really don't for high-grade acting so vanessa hudgen's wallslide crying was weird.

there are a number of action set pieces that bend reality, all awesomely executed, but my favorite is the first one with the giant shoguns. it's a great way to immerse the audience to baby doll's dance-triggered world (where they all defy gravity but land the exact same way). there's a scene in the dressing room where the girls are talking and the camera makes an impossible one-take shot. this i think encapsulates how zack snyder uses the advancements in cgi to put a skew on traditional filmmaking. the action scenes, the color correction, the shots, nearly everything he has done here is abusing the technology. years ago, none of it could be done in the same magnitude. sure, with avatar and a gazillion cgi cartoons, the envelope has been pushed a lot but snyder has distinct style that reroutes where all those rendered pixels can go. and with sucker punch, the clunks of cgi physics (especially with real human character interaction), wirework and slow-mo/fast-mos are gone, leaving a nigh-perfect jaw-detaching eyecandy overdose.

i like how sucker punch is both a fanservice to guys and a girl power push for girls. i like how the main characters are girls in whorific costumes but sensually downplayed with no ass shots or in your face boobs, integral to most action flicks. it's not a great movie but it's really not as bad as some consider. i am definitely on board for the zack snyder superman.

good: action sequences, the visuals, the "afterview"
bad: little character development, studio cuts
ugly: vanessa hudgens
verdict: 8 lobotomy needles

sweet pee/baby dull.

SONGS FROM THE SECOND FLOOR by jaiskizzy

2011-03-17T20:12:00.002+08:00

gist: i am honestly lost for words. nothing can be said enough to summarize this movie, yet on the other hand, a one-sentence description of any scene may be too much. this is one of those films best viewed with virgin eyes.

reaction: holymotherfuckinshitballs. what did i just watch? roy andersson's sånger från andra våningen (or songs from the second floor, to the non-swedish readers) is definitely one of the weirdest films i have ever seen. and i love every odd frame of it. it starts with a guy talking to another guy who is inside a tanning bed and its just gets weirder and weirder from there. all scenes are shot static (except for one, if i remember correctly) framed in a way that the main focus is on the particular characters central to the sequence at hand but with room for extras and events in the background or on the sides to memontarily capture your attention. there is one where in there's a long road in the background and as the scene progresses, you realize that there are people who have been actually walking along that road beginning from horizon cut-off at the very start of the scene towards character situated at the sequence focal point. weird, eh? but something even weirder happens right after. yes, i am a junkie getting ultra high on weirness overdose.

funny is the other simple word i can associate with this complex peculiarity. everything is done seriously and nearly every scene is glum, but there'll be lines of dialogue, actions and little things that made me laugh, kind of like the way you laugh when you're outside and you see something bad happen to someone and you're not supposed to laugh but you cant help it (schadenfreude). it's exactly that. not corny or forced or inserted for a longer run time. this is a level of funny no pinoy slapstick comedy movie could ever attain. and beyond the absurdist comedy is the profound way the scenes meld together. there's a scene that didn't seem to make any sense and then later on, it a connecting scene reveals that the previous one was actually a rehearsal. mental drop kick!

this movie is proof that creativity has no bounds. you can always do something new and different. only people who arent born creative, who have no self-developed vision would say otherwise and insist imitation. i dont know who this roy andersson guy is but he just blipped in my directorial radar. he's on an entirely different plateau, a place i wanna stand on the precipice of and jump off one day.

good: the weirdness, the funniness, the progression of scenes
bad: lack of backstories
ugly: lasse's wife. half-naked. ugh.
verdict: 10 jesus-swinging-on-one-nail crucifixes

thongs from the second drawer.

THE GREEN HORNET by jaiskizzy

2011-01-24T23:43:00.000+08:00

gist: that guy who knocked up that bitch from grey's anatomy is so rich, he had lypoed all his fat off and is banging chicks on the hoods of luxury cars. and then his dad dies and he befriends a guy who looks like harold from harold and kumar who has ass-kicking listed in his resume. the two become overnight lawbreaking superheroes and soon are windborne dust in the eyes of the media-fed public and of disco santa claus, chudnofsky. and then an environmentalist kermit the frog wearing a la salle jacket starts telling green jokes, you know, just to make the whole thing greener.

reaction: i saw a couple of tv episodes and that scene in the bruce lee biopic where jason scott lee slides down a pole instead of using the stairs. also read a couple of issues of the kevin smith-penned comic. that's the range of knowledge i have about the green hornet. and im pretty sure most of the people who saw this movie know even less. so i find it annoying when they just flat-out say they didnt like the movie, them who were probably expecting something in the vein of nolan's batman and raimi's spider-man. there is so much to appreciate in the green hornet that i doubt they even noticed. one perfect example of this is during most of the mumblecore scenes, i was the only one laughing my balls out. there were some pretty funny lines that im sure didn't even reach their earlobes because, as with the average moviegoer these days, they weren't paying attention and were waiting for the next visual stimulus. these pinoyflick junkies and their longing for the loveteam's big kissing scene, the big drama slap-arama or the squeezed in joke stolen from current memes should not be even watching a film directed by michel gondry.

had i not shown my wife michel gondry's unique style, she probably wouldn't like the movie as she did. michel gondry is in a totally different directorial dimension and few really get his brilliance. with katovision, he showed the audience what most action movies eschew: how the asskicking is planned. you've seen action scenes where the protagonist takes down a whole gang of thugs seemingly impromptu, but of course, everything was rehearsed. kato lets us see how he processes the situation before taking action, hence katovision. and it is a-fuckin-mazing. wished gondry had used more of that multiplying background effect, just to give this new generation kato his own style. i was also blown way by the multiply splitscreen sequence. that thing is probably how you'll see your entire life flash before your eyes when you're about to die.

seth rogen's script is very seth rogenish. i understand the hate because he's a comedian and fat but you've got to give the guy some credit. his screenplay is peppered with funny stuff that are actually funny, and except for that one slapsticky bit in the end, none of them felt forced. his britt reid is a complete departure from the original, which fine because a serious millionaire playboy masquerading as a crimefighter is just another batman. as for jay chou, now, you know someone's a star when he's the sidekick but you know him more than the actor he's sidekicking for. im referring to bruce lee of course. he left a legacy that i strongly believe nobody will be able to equal. so it's only proper not to expect that much from jay chou. he struggled with english but he's okay as kato. but i really think it would have been a totally different movie if stephen chow had been kato. and then there's waltz who was great as the villain but was really sort of the same as hans landa. at least his character didnt need an origin story, where he's the product of something the hero did. he's already the bad guy, it's already his turf, and green hornet just basically shits in his kitchen. and finally, cameron diaz is not the cameron diaz we all salivated over for licking jim carrey's ear in the mask. wtf happened there? i dont know but edward furlong surely looks homeless.

conclusion: the best thing i could think of to defend my stance on this movie is this: round the interwebs some time ago was a faux trailer answerng the question what if wes anderson directed spider-man? dry humor, eccentric characters, indie rock music and the futura font. weird execution, totally different from what you'd expect but goshdarnit i would watch it and pretty sure would love it. green hornet is exactly that.

good: gondryisms, bruce lee homages, black beauty

bad: too much comedy.

ugly: cameron diaz. whose salad did she toss to land this gig?

verdict: 9 one-inch punches.

the grim horny.

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (First Sequence) by jaiskizzy

2010-06-17T20:39:00.001+08:00

apercu:: a reclusive german surgeon who was once the best at separating siamese twins has gone cuckoo and has decided that doing the opposite of his former work is more fun. after successfully creating his sweet little three-dog, he moves up the food chain for his next diabolical project: the human centipede. lo and behold, two girls lost in the woods come knocking at his doorstep to be part of his effed-up experiment. ladies and gentlemen, the doctor is in...sane.

reaction: with people all over the intertubes making a collective cringe of disgust for the human centipede, it is only natural for me to have high expectations for this movie. as a film junkie, a large portion of my addiction for movies constitutes gore flicks. i just love gore. i dont know if having viewed so much of them has affected my aversion for the appalling or if i was simply born with a strong stomach, but after watching the human centipede, all i could think of was, "that was it?" roger ebert wouldnt even give it a star rating because according to him it exists where "stars don't shine." no, it doesn't mr. ebert. it exist in "promising but disappointing." the human centipede = not gross at all.

the only part that had any effect on me was when dr. heiter was explaining through an overhead projector what he was going to do to the victims. i had zero knowledge of what the movie title actually meant and when all was revealed, i had slight trepidations with continuing to watch the movie (much like when the 2 girls 1 cup video went meme). but of course curiosity won and i watched dr. heiter perform his peculiar procedure. which was kinda lame. the gore was next to nothing. and then when the human centipede was finished, i felt cheated. the garbage pail kids movie was more revolting. there's a movie with a near similar premise, crazy doctor abducts people and tortures them. it's entitle grotesque and is light years better than this.

the actors were pretty so-so, except for the japanese guy. the guy who played dr. heiter, i thought, overdid it. he was hamming it up like it was a theater play plus there was no evil behind his madness so i found his whole performance off-putting.

anyways, final words: the human centipede is more snore than gore. im sure there are plenty of people out there who'd still barf at this movie but for a better gore film experience, find and watch grotesque instead.

the good: the idea of the human centipede
the bad: dr. heiter, the actual human centipede, plotholes
the ugly: the japanese dude
the verdict: 4 glasses of water with rohypnol

dr. jaiter

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (2010) by jaiskizzy

2010-05-13T20:48:00.000+08:00

apercu: teenagers dying from wet dreams. and by wet i meant because of blood. the moment they hit snooze mode, they enter nightmare zone and fall prey to freddy krueger, a guy who wears a fedora hat, striped shirt, a bladed glove and a face that looks like he scratched an itch here and there and forgot he was wearing said glove. why he kills them is what our insomniac protagonists must find out before mr. krueger decides to join iron chef with them as the secret ingredient.

remake schremake. why hollywood loves barfing these out, i'll never understand. out-of-work actors? because they are bad actors. with remakes, the cast is usually a who's who of who-are-yous. inclusion of bigtimers either means her/his career is decayed/decaying or will decay after the movie. money? nah. most remakes, especially in the horror genre, flop at the box-office. new audience? if so, then they mst believe that moviegoers of today are complete idiots because nearly every remake is a dumbed down version of the original. such is the case with this year's a nightmare on elm street.

if they wanted to introduce freddy krueger to the new masses who never met him before, then this is the worst way ever to do so. it's like, "hey, i'd like you to meet a friend of mine." and the guys just starts shitting in your face. what made the original film a classic has been replaced by a humongous pile of diarrhea. there is absolutely nothing frightening about this "horror" movie. there are more scares in taking a dump than watching this movie. the script is boring. for a movie about not wanting to fall asleep, this sure makes you want to. none of the nightmare deaths are creative. there are only about four kills and they didnt bother to make it interesting. there's one where a girl is lifted in the air and thrown around the room. it looks stupid, partly because it resembles the tori spelling scene in scary movie 2. and speaking of scene call, there's a part where the new nancy is in a car and she tries to stay awake by imitating mr. bean.

the biggest turd about this movie is the new freddy krueger. jackie earle haley was great as rorschach and creeptastic in little children but he doesnt translate well as freddy. this freddy is not scary or funny like in the original. he's just plain creepy, in a bad way. not just because they messed up his backstory by adding something pedobear would approve of. the whole portrayal didnt gel right. he's creepily twitching his finger blades together and yet with his creepy stalker voice he's giving out ridiculous one-liners. what's up with that? and why the hell did they have to change freddy's face? he looks like an alien. cant blame jackie boy though. with piece of crap script, half-ass direction and cardboard co-stars, you make do with what you have and take the cash.

a nightmare on elm street is a piece of crap through and through. i could imagine wes craven facepalming. also, i apologize for the incessant fecal references but shit is the only thing i could think of when talking about this movie. stick to blowing stuff up, michael bay.

the good: original bathtub scene nod

the bad: script, cast, direction

the ugly: freddy

the verdict: 2 jump ropes

skizobear

AVATAR by jaiskizzy

2009-12-19T23:26:00.004+08:00

apercu: just like how south park put it. it's dances with smurfs. but for anyone who gets off on synopses...it's the far future and a wheelchair-bound ex-marine fills in for his dead brother and is sent to planet pandora to help out with research on the blue cat-people called na'vi. jacked into a genetically engineered na'vi, he becomes part of the natives, learns their culture and falls in love with the local hottie. soon enough, he is faced with a dilemma: help his fellow humans obtain the unobtainium or fight with the na'vi to protect their homeland. (i like parentheses)

review: something i hate to admit is having watched titanic six times. three times in the theater, twice on home video and once on hbo. of those instances, only once was voluntary. anyways, james cameron's return to film has been touted as a game-changer and change the game it did. that game would be the 3d motion capture game which beowulf played well but lost. it was more in the gamut of pixar and dreamworks toons. avatar, on the other hand, well, as much as i like swimming against the tide, i am compelled to agree with the majority of moviegoers that this wasn't a movie. it was an experience.

but let's deal with the minuses first, shall we? (i'll pretend that you said "ok") the first gripe i had was on the voice-overs. it was quite unnecessary and i dont think its absence would have made a difference to the movie, er...the experience. half of the time, the protagonist was merely describing what was or what would be happening. i get that they're connected with the video logs (i am not gonna say "vlog" because i think it's stupid and gay) but the narrations were short and sparse and added nothing to the scenes. it would have been better if, like, when the colonel was talking to him while in the power-suit, he voice-overed "i should get these guys to do a dance in those suits and upload it to youtube lol". moving on, complaint number two: the near similar titanic storytelling. in titanic, the movie would switch from the ship scenes to the old woman recalling her memories. avatar employs the same switching from human mode to na'vi mode. i guess this is a gripe because i actually thought that jakesully (the protagonist) would get trapped in his na'vi body, hence more pandora sequences (more on that in next paragaph). anyways, the most criticized aspect of avatar is its flat, cliche story. the love story cliche. cliche evil guys after cliche treasure against cliche good guys. but (and now i swim on the opposite direction) it didnt bore me at all and i believe the simplicity helped propel the 3d experience forward by not delving on complicated subplots or overlong character developments. yes it wasnt original but it wasnt bad either. at least the drama didnt try hard too hard to jerk tears out of the audience.

now let's get to the meat of the matter, the cgi and the mocap technology. a few sentences back i mentioned the human mode na'vi mode switch. a large part of what makes it annoying is that i wanted to spend more time in pandora. dude, that place looks awesome. i came into the movie knowing that the na'vi and their environment are all computer generated and yet i could swear that those bushes, trees and animals (no aquatics though) were real. and james cameron has perfected the mocap because although the na'vi were obviously cgi, their movements and emotions looked very real. heck, even the long-noticeable mouth problems seem to have been fixed. it's all very amazing. the other thing that james cameron must have labored hours for was the science of the film. for one, pandora is kinda like a moon to a bigger planet so it would be natural for pandora to spend some time under the bigger planet's shadow and have longer evenings. and that is why most of the flora and fauna have luminescent abilities. they have evolved to survive the darkness. there is so much more to talk and ponder about the film, from the little details of the fingers (human-na'vi hybrids have five, real na'vi have four) to the nature-based "religion", which, to be completely honest, is one i would get behind if we had it here. but no review would encompass the true avatar experience. like jakesully in pandora, it's something jack into and see for yourself.

finalword: here is a film that pits humans against blue catpeople and you root for the catpeople. james cameron waited for the right time to realize his vision and the wait was all worth it because he has created an instant classic, this generation's bar-setter in visual effects. bravo, sir. and good luck, challengers!

the good: cgi, mocap, science

the bad: pace, narration

the ugly: the forced theme song

the verdict: 9 eywa jellyfish

abattoir.

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN by obi

2009-06-11T19:50:00.000+08:00

SPOILERS!!!

The spoiler...
Several years after the movie's part 1, Larry Daley hit it bigtime as a CEO of his own company leaving the nightguard post in the Museum of Natural History behind.

When the museum closed down for upgrades, some of the display artifacts are sent to the Smithsonian Institute archives in D.C. including the tablet of Ahkmenrah that which turns these objects to life. Triggered by the tablet, the Smithsonian displays are reanimated including the Egyptian pharaoh Kahmunrah and his unlikely allies Al Capone, Napoleon Bonaparte, and Ivan the Terrible.

The ragtag gang plans to rule the world by unsealing the gates to the underworld and summon forth a daemon army. But to accomplish this, Kahmunrah needs the tablet hieroglyphs deciphered! Larry, who breaks into the Smithsonian archives as soon as he is contacted by Jed the miniature cowboy for help, seems to be the pharaoh's only hope to break the code. With his reanimated friends being harassed by the bad guys, Larry had no choice but to work on the tablet, meeting new museum personalities as he go through it.

All the while, Larry's friends from the Museum of Natural History are brewing a daring attempt to get rid of Kahmunrah. They are able to do it in time as the pharaoh has just opened the gates to the underworld... Abe Lincoln's monument swathing daemons back to the netherworld!

With Kahmunrah gone, everything returned to normal in the Smithsonian. Larry brings back his friends to the Museum of Natural History and had it open 24 hours where every past midnight, patrons may walk with the reanimated museum artifacts.

The verdict...
It comes as a surprise to me that I enjoyed this film more than its prequel! And surprising even more is that it's not all about Ben Stiller's performance. He even hardly carry most of the fun stock of the story. I watched this movie expecting to see something entertaining yet won't require me to think too much deeply AND it did not fail me. It was good brainless fun! A must-see for a family outing.

The GOOD...
The new museum characters are a laugh trip... Kahmunrah has a comical lisp, Bonaparte squeals like a chick, and Al Capone and his honchos are in black and white! Even General Custer and the new capuchin monkey have their share of hilarious antics. The old museum characters are still kickin' fun as well. I particularly liked this scene where the miniature Octavius attempted to charge across an expansive lawn, tiring himself for naught (melodramatic and all!).

The entire production is just right. Costume and set design fit what needs to be depicted in the story. Computer graphic works is really creative and done flawlessly.

The SO SO...
Ben Stiller. I think he can't pull off a better-than-average presence in the film. I don't know if its because his script is lackluster or everybody else just outshines him! His female counterpart Amy Adams (Amelia Earhart) is a poor attempt at throwing in a romantic twist. She's exaggeratedly perky for me.

The BAD...
The story is not really impressive. It's developed just for the sake of having a plot to pour the comedy into. So with that, don't expect much depth on it or wish on having lose ends tied up. It's a fantasy story. Things happen, rationally or not. To add to that, the story ending is rushed.

Robin Williams is cheesy.

The rating...
7 of 10.

ANGELS & DEMONS by obi

2009-06-10T23:45:00.002+08:00

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!

The gist...
The symbologist Dr. Robert Langdon has been called by the Vatican to solve a threat by the church's long-dormant nemesis - the Illuminati.

The situation is this:
* The Pope is dead.
* The Conclave of Cardinals is in session for Papal election.
* Four of the top candidates - the preferatti - are kidnapped by the Illuminati.
* A bomb threat is up in the Vatican... a powerful bomb that can wipeout the entire city-state.

The Illuminati will start to murder the kidnapped Cardinals one by one before midnight - the time the bomb is set to detonate. Langdon, starting with a clue from a Galilean book, follows the trail of the culprit around the walled city as the latter sets to accomplish his murder spree. Three dead Cardinals after, the symbologist still hops around the Vatican in a race to make sense with everything that is happening.

As Langdon closes in on the murderer, events unfold that leads to the discovery of the people behind the plot. On a dramatic climax, he saves the last Cardinal and exposes (in a sorry way of tying lose ends) everything that the viewers need to know.

The verdict...
What's outright striking about the movie is the overall aesthetics of the sets and locations. As if on a tour bus racing around the Vatican, the scenes switch from one landmark to another... as quick as the fast paced movie can showcase in two hours. Great cinematography!

The story is a lame excuse for a mystery flick. The development of the conflict is progressive only up to the point where Langdon flew to the Vatican and started nosing around. By the time clues started raining down on the symbologist, all went in a confused flurry of lame riddles and chasing around the Vatican and boring action scenes. I can imagine a more interesting Hardy Boys plot line.

What sparked a bit of interest for me is the same reason why I enjoyed "Da Vinci Code" - the way Robert Brown interlaced facts and fiction and make it seem to have an appearance of plausibility. I love the concept of the Illuminati and the personalities Brown affiliated with it... Galileo, Bernini, Michaelangelo, and Raphael Santi. He could have used the mystery of this clandestine group for a deeper plot line than just being a mask of the Carmelengo's deeds.

I haven't read the book so I can't tell if it was adapted in the movie well. But I have a big hunch it did not.

The acting is cool. The cast is cool. The script lame. Langdon is a walking curator! I mean 80% of the film, he's wise-talking and annotating every single Encyclopedia entry they pass through along the story. Again, I don't know if that's how Langdon's character is supposed to be since I quite remember a different Langdon from the "Da Vinci Code". And I don't mind it either... it's educational! It's just that there are a lot more creative ways of presenting information to readers than directly spoon-feeding.

In all, don't take the story too seriously or prepare to be disappointed. It may appear to have depth in the start but as Langdon starts to crack through the mystery, you'll have this notion that the story is more of an elementary detective novel than a CSI-ish episode.

6 of 10.

ANGELS & DEMONS by jaiskizzy

2009-05-24T11:17:00.000+08:00

apercu: the pope dies and just as the vatican dudes are about to choose the next one, an enemy from the past, the illuminati, abducts the candidates and hides an antimatter bomb somewhere in the holy city set to go off at midnight and delete the world's smallest country from google earth. with no pope and no hope, they turn to a swimming tom hanks for help, who thankfully doesnt stay in his trunks for the rest of the movie.

the da vinci code was bad. you would expect that all those bad reviews of that movie would immensely affect the plans for the sequel and make the planners double their efforts to produce a better film. but i guess they just didnt care and went ahead with shooting tom hanks snap into lectures about history in the same annoying way the paperclip pops up in microsoft office and uncover the dumbest mystery ever by following clues that are so dumb the perpetrators could have just left those sticker footprints you find in malls and it wouldn't have made a difference. seriously, there are way better scooby-doo and 1960s batman vs. riddler episodes than this movie. here is a rough example of the audience brain cell murdering of angels and demons: tom hanks and the gang arrive at the scene. they look for an angel sculpture. it has to be an angel for reasons i didnt pay attention to. they find the statue. it's pointing to somewhere. west, i think. they look at a map for churches in the west for the next clue. there it is. a church with an italian name that in english means castle of angels. ayfkm?!? (are you fucking kidding me question mark exclamation point question mark)

the dialogue was quite terrible. there were attempts at humor but failed. the action scenes didnt get any reaction from me. the ending was unsurprising because, with such a small of well-knowns, you know it had to be one of them. i cant wait for a movie where the one behind all the evildoings was an extra who was always somewhere in the background. the only aspect of the film that was watchable was obi-wan, as my beloved jeej refers to him. to me, ewan mcgregor will always be mark renton and it's pretty amazing that the same guy who dived into a toilet to retrieve suppositories just to get a fix is a priest in this movie. when he did the speech with the cardinals, i was expecting him to seque into the choose life monolgue.

don't know about the book but this movie ought to be condemned for its sin of crappiness. for the lost souls out to find cinematic pleasure, allow me to spread the word: thou shalt not waste thy moolah on this. if there is a hell, it could probably be looped screenings of this movie.

the good: the science versus religion thing and the ewan mcgregor thing.
the bad: the every thing else.
the ugly: tom hanks' "facial"
the verdict: 4 smoking cardinals

the illuminaughty.
or
angers and dream-ons

STAR TREK by obi

2009-05-15T18:54:00.003+08:00

SPOILERS AHEAD!

The gist...
A humongous Romulan starship got sucked back in from the future. Bent on avenging the destruction of his homeworld, its Captain (Nero) initiated a blackhole in the core of planet Vulcan to decimate the planet from within!

Out to investigate the catastrophe, an armada of Starfleet cruisers are sent to Vulcan. All these cruisers are decimated by the Romulans in a cunning ambush bar one - the "Enterprise". James Kirk, who is just stowed aboard the infamous starship, predicted this attack and is able to forwarn the Captain about it. In a daring attempt to negotiate with the Romulans, Captain Pike of the "Enterprise" appointed First Officer Spock as temporary Captain and the braggart Kirk as substitute First Officer while he dared to ferry himself into the Romulan spacecraft.

Captain Pike is eventually held captive by Nero. Outgunned and outsized by the Romulan ship, Spock take the logical choice to retreat and redezvous with the Starfleet. Kirk forcefully opposed the idea (wanting to outright follow and attack the escaping Romulans) which eventually made the Vulcan Captain eject him out of the "Enterprise" and into a nearby ice planet.

There, Kirk meet an older Spock (also from the future), who showed him to an onplanet Starfleet outpost and meet Montgomery Scott. Scott devised a gadget that beamed them back to "Enterprise". Aided by insights from the old Spock, Kirk tricked the present-time Spock into relinquishing his command of the cruiser and appointed himself the new Captain. With this new post, he executed his original plan to chase the Romulan ship and, in a foolhardily heroic plan, is able to beam inside the enemy vessel!

Being the good guys they are (good guys are just... y'know... good!), the plan went off well and the "Enterprise" are able to get rid of the Romulan ship and rescue Captain Pike. For this bravery, Kirk becomes permanent Captain of the "Enterprise" and the rest is let us say a joyride for the Trekkie fandom.

The verdict...
I'm no Trekkie but the film impressed me. I can only vaguely remember the original series but I guess this worked as an advantage for my enjoyment of the movie. It feels all new to me aside from the ship and the crew!

The CGI is a visual treat! Flawless and sleek, it effectively made the movie a must-see in the big screen. The sets are creatively designed and although they have touches reminiscent of the old Star Trek settings, most are fused and interspersed with props and materials that are of original concept. I particularly liked the "inside" of the Romulan ship, keeping the idea that it should look ahead of technology (as it's supposed to be from the future) while portraying the cabalistic nature of the crew.

The opening part of the movie can be quite confusing as it's not outright implied that the plot would involve an alternate universe and a time travel. Aside from that, the screenplay is generally mediocre with plot lines that are, if not totally briliant, just enough to bolster what the rest of the movie has to boast. As long as it's not outright dumb to waste such a good production, I'm good with it.

The assemblage of casts to portray the much-loved crew of "Enterprise" is well-done. Chris Pine (Captain James Kirk) nailed the William Shatner portrayal of the Don Juan chief of the starship and added little touches of his own device. Zachary Quinto's Spock (the younger one) is very very convincing as somebody torn between his emotionless and logical Vulcan nature and his sentimental Earthling half. John Cho's character Sulu is really vague on my recollections but I've always remembered him as a kick-ass fencer. It's kinda portrayed in the film as he duelled with a sword against a Romulan. So so acting. Anton Yelchin (Chekov) doesn't have to do much but talk in his annoying accent. Simon Pegg (Scotty) and Karl Urban (Bones) have really likeable characters while Zoe Saldana (Uhura) blew her's. She's obviously just trying. Eric Bana's Romulan captain Nero is a strong performance.

Salute goes to Leonard Nimoy (the original Spock) for reprising his role. He doesn't have to do much anyway but act as a more laid-back Spock than the one he used to play. Should not be hard for an aging man.

Action scenes are packed good along the story. I like how the space fights are designed. None too grandiose as Star Wars' but just excellently crafted to be visually impressive. I don't like the Uhura-Spock romance. It seems like a poor attempt at putting it just for the sake of having a love angle in there.

To sum it, the director has been bold enough to fuse some new concepts into the old premise of Star Trek and still pull it off well.

9 of 10!

X-MEN ORIGINIS: WOLVERINE by obi

2009-05-04T12:15:00.001+08:00

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

The spoiler...
Logan and his brother Victor served the American army formidably and this is mainly because of their innate mutant abilities. Along the way, they met Colonel Stryker, an ambitious officer who assembled a team of mutants (and conscripting the brothers in it) that acted as a Special Force for the military. After a while, the team's differences took toll and they separated to live their own civilian lives.

Logan went a simple living on the mountains of Canada with his wife. One day, Victor returned and claimed the life of his beloved. Wanting to kill Victor for revenge, he agreed to Colonel Stryker's experiment to infuse adamantium to his bones rendering him almost indestructible. Tagged as Weapon X by Stryker's experiment, Logan opted to rather be called as Wolverine (taken from one of his wife's tales). He learned that Stryker wanted something else out of the experiment and tried to erase his memories. Wolverine escaped the facility and along the way learned that Stryker himself is in league with Victor.

The two are involved in kidnapping mutants and conducting experiements with them on a secluded facility called the "Island".

Wolverine went out to search for this facility and after arriving on it, new revelations has been revealed - his wife is not dead and is only blackmailed to cooperate with Stryker to save the life of her sister who is under the Colonel's captivity. Freeing the captive mutants, Wolverine (with Victor helping out) eventually has to battle with Weapon XI, the last and best mutant warrior Stryker's experiments have produced.

They are able to defeat Weapon XI and destroy the facility. The captive mutants are saved by a cameo appearance of Professor X. Wolverine however was shot by Stryker in the head with an adamantium bullet. The wounds healed but the damage in his brain made him forgot everything. Stryker was arrested by the military and rest is... well... X-Men history.

The verdict...
I've always liked Wolverine and I have to agree that Hugh Jackman (though out of scale to the original Wolverine who should only be 5'3 feet in height) is one of the best choice to grab the role. He looks like Logan and acts the role well.

It's cool that I'm familiar with most of the mutants on the film and like a fanboy I go "Oooh, I know him/her!" in my mind when a mutant appeared along the story. Some are not outright recognizable but there are enough hints to know who's who. Some of the most prominent characters are the Blob, Sabretooth (Victor), a young Cyclops, Deadpool (one of my favorites in Marvel), Emma Frost, and Gambit. It's disappointing that Gambit has been shown a lot of times in the movie's preview but doesn't play that much role in the movie itself.

There are obvious deviance from the canon story as read in the Marvel comicbooks but I believe that they are made in good spirit of TRYING to come up with an interesting story. This made the film also fairly acceptable to people who don't know crap about Wolverine and the rest of the Marvel mutants in print. The storyline is typical of comicbook adaptations where lose ends fly aplenty and impossibilities are only limited by the scriptwriters' ingenuity to make things happen. It's a leave-brain-at-home screenplay.

Actually, the movie can be boring, really, if you'll not be dazzled by the more-than-enough action scenes it packs. Some time along the movie you'll realize that mutant characters come and go like they just want to throw in as much mutants as possible even if they don't really help much on progressing the story. I can go as far as saying that there's not enough "flash" on the film (which should be expected on sci-fi flicks like this). Computer effects is horrible as some of the green screen scenes and digital edits are obvious. They've provided subtle fan services to the really hardcore Wolverine fans but it won't change the impact to people who would look for value for what they paid.

In all, it's your generic superhero flick. Nothing innovative is introduced in it except the fact that you'll learn that Wolverine's name actually originated from a who-knows-what-language word that sounds like "koo-koo kachoo!" Haha... laughtrip!

4 out of 10.

DETROIT METAL CITY by jaiskizzy

2009-03-25T06:47:00.004+08:00

the gist: a wussy wimpy country boy leaves home to go to tokyo to (too many to's?) fulfill his dream of becoming a "fashionable musician" but busking with his acoustic guitar and his sissy songs gets him nowhere past having a street dog as a fan. however, he is, in fact, secretly and reluctantly, johannes krauser ii, the made-up lead vocalist/guitarist of detroit metal city, an independent death metal band that is fast becoming the biggest act in japan, with hordes of fans believing he is indeed a demon from hell who raped and killed his parents. and so... will negishi ever get to embrace his pop dream and lose his virginity to that chick with cute underwear?

the reaction: so you'd know where im coming from, ive never read the manga or watched the anime. im sure they're great (most manga that become anime then become live action are exceptionally good anyways) but my kudos descend upon the movie and the people involved in it. the japanese have yet to crappify my eyes. detroit metal city is breathlessly fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfucking awesome. from the great story mirroring the dichotomy of life to the songs that actually sounded like the real deal, there's no denying that the cast and crew sacrificed their blood and soul to get the movie off the ground and go sky high. exaggeration but hyperboles aren't uncalled for when talking about movies like this. it's very entertaining and it made me laugh many times. there was a movie called detroit rock city, also the title of a kiss song, about a kiss cover band trying to get into a kiss concert. now, there's detroit metal city and they even bagged gene simmons (the dude with the long tongue in kiss) to play jack il dark! how cool is that?!

the humongous round of devil horns raised way up in the air goes to kenichi whatshisname. after doing the mysterious coolness that is L in death note, he does an acting 180 as the stupid-looking, soft-mannered, almost gay negishi. seriously, this guy has some balls to accept such a role where he would have to make an ass of himself, singing with his knees stuck together, running like a girl, not to mention wearing that horrendous haircut. sure he gets to portray the death metal demon krauser but negishi is something a normal actor would probably regret including in his resume. unlike death note's raito yagami who was also shuya in battle royale, the actor playing him looks and feels pretty much the same. here, there is literally no sign of L in kenichi. and even though ive seen pics and clips of the movie before watching, i never even realized that he was both negishi and krauser. now that is talent. no pretty boy pinoy actor can disappear in roles like that. plus, he did his own singing for both characters, which required two separate voice actors for the anime. take that, retard gutierrez!

if you love metal, if you love japanese films, heck if you just watch for ideas on your next cosplay, give this movie a chance and detroit metal city will melt your face. if not, you should form a band with your tambourine and call it tetrapot melon tea. as for kenichi somethingsomething, kamui gaiden is up next. yes, sir.

the good: that L guy. his dual performance carries the whole film
the bad: the slightly ridiculous ending. metal buffalo?!
the ugly: penis haircut.
the verdict: 8 chocorape cakes!

jai il dork

or

destroyed mental skizzy.

WATCHMEN by jaiskizzy

2009-03-13T07:26:00.006+08:00

the gist: in alternate 80s america, where once-heralded costumed crimefighters have been outlawed by the government and a globally destructive nuclear war with russia is imminent, a retired superhero known as the comedian is found dead on the street more than a hundred feet below his high-rise apartment, killed by gravity. a former teammate, rorschach, embarks on his own investigation to find the murderer who seems to be particularly offing masked members of the society. old friends are reunited, memories are remembered and walls are repainted (with blood) as the doomsday clock ticks closer to the end of the world.

the review: fuck the long intros. i'll do my best to make this short and quick because the less is said, the better. i liked the movie. given that the graphic novel has been deemed unfilmable for so long and the weird and cool alan moore refuses credit for any adaptation, zack snyder has done quite an achievement. and not only by squeezing a 12-chapter story into a 3-hour movie. you see, there's a dvd out there where they animated the comic book panels and turned it into sort of an audiobooky (because one guy does all the voices, even the female characters) cartoon, reminiscent of the old marvel superhero 2d shows. compared to that, with real actors and actual sets, zack snyder's film is a couple of steps ahead in awesomeness.

yes, the paper version is still way better but the celluloid translation turns it into an entirely new experience. you now hear the voices that uttered those great lines, especially dr. manhattan's which was totally unexpected. (you'd think he would have the mighty otherworldly voice of james earl jones with a sore throat on volume 11 plus extra echo and not mild and boring like my history teacher's in high school. but it works amazingly.) you see them break through the frozen panels and move, sometimes in slow-mo, the constantly morphing inkblot on rorschach's mask alone, the origin of which didnt make it past the cutting room floor, was mesmerizing. i like how the costumes were almost exactly the same, down to the minutemen despite not having that much screen time. i smiled when silk spectre 2's costume was unzipped, not because she was about to get naked, but because it had a zipper, something we rarely see in superhero movies. that zipper contributed to grounding the whole thing in reality.

i never thought that stillwater's lead guitarist would pass off as a god with blue skin who doesn't really give a shit about humans and would effectively portray how the seemingly emotionless character eventually learns to (there is a real smiley face crater in mars btw). but the invisible badass acting award goes to jackie earle haley, the masturbating date in little children. this guy is great. unlike doc, his vocal characterization of rorschach is exactly the way i imagined it in my head. the two moments he screams like a madman were very powerful. perfect segue to my main gripe at the movie: the other actors didnt really do much and acted like they were still two-dimensional drawings. anyways, having read the graphic novel before watching the movie isn't a requirement. it doesn't even assure one would enjoy the film more. if you're the kind of moviegoer who just sits there depending on visuals, expecting rollercoaster ride-type of action, you will be heavily disappointed. watchmen is character-driven and story-driven and, for lack of a better symbolism, it is the kind of film that my father sleeps on. i think my father would be snoring on the theater seat around the time the bob dylan-sung opening credits is over and rorschach begins talking to himself.

though this review is probably a couple of paragraphs short of being a novel itself, there is still so much to be said about the film, a lot of which is open for debate between those who have read the graphic novel and the poor people who havent. it is not the greatest comic book movie ever made (tdk, imho), but it is a feat of filmmaking nonetheless. the movie has brains and balls. i will watch watchmen again.

the good: faithfulness to source material, necessary changes
the bad: bland acting
the ugly: too many cocks.
the verdict: 9 blood-stained smiley face pins

watchamacallboy.

VALKYRIE by obi

2009-03-10T12:23:00.002+08:00

Spoiler Alert! Spoiler Alert! Spoiler Alert!

Based on actual historical events, "Valkyrie" followed the life of Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg from being withdrawn from the German African Front to eventually involving himself on an intricate plot to asassinate the Fuhrer himself, Adolf Hitler, in Germany.

Fresh from injuries sustained on the African battlefield, Stauffenberg is introduced to an underground resistance of high ranking officers and politicians. Their aim: to kill Hitler and propose a peace treaty with the Allies, thus ending the war. In order to machinate the coup, the dissenters rewrite Operation Valkyrie - a protocol that enables the Reserve Army to take over Germany in case of Hitler's death. The resistance omitted the clause that gives the pro-Nazi SS (German special security force) that same privelege, thus the sole control of Germany in case of the Fuhrer's death goes to the head of the Reserve Army, General Fromm.

Stauffenberg got the revised Operation Valkyrie signed by Hitler and in a continued effort by the conspirators, they devise a plan for another asassination attempt. Stauffenberg himself and his adjutant Lieutenant Haeften execute it by planting a bomb on one of Hitler's staff meeting in the Prussian military HQ - Wolf's Lair.

They rig the bomb inside the staff meeting and quickly return to Berlin. Together with the resistance, they force General Fromm to execute Operation Valkyrie believing that Hitler died from the bombing. Fortunately (or rather unfortunately), the Nazi dictator survive the attempt when the bag containing the bomb is moved away from where it will be fatal to the Fuhrer. And just as Stauffenberg and the rest of the conspirators mobilize to occupy Germany, Hitler with help from his trusted SS officers consolidate power and eventually root out the dissenters.

All are either executed or have committed suicide. Colonel Stauffenberg died from firing squad the same night their underground group fail the coup.

The verdict...
The director did a good job of presenting the failed July 20 plot to kill Hitler in a way that it will be moving not only for World War 2 buffs but also to regular Joe viewers. The storyline, although mostly based on factual occurences, has been written to accommodate bits of fiction just enough to make it dramatic.

The production design did a great deal of research. From costumes to props to the actual locations, the film relives that era where the Nazi is at its height of power and makes you visualize how Germany looks like back then. It was as if you're looking at a 1950's movie setting, only not in black and white.

Of course, a posing problem of the film (and also on most Americanized foreign movies) is that characters converse in English. Obviously, expressions and intonations differ a lot between German and English and it may be off-putting for a German to see how lines are delivered or acted out awkwardly. But personally, it should be so trivial to matter if you won't be too anal about it. C'mon, you're probably not a German anyway to care.

Funny thing is that when I checked out the net for photos of the real personalities behind the conspiracy, almost all look like the actors that played them in the movie. Adolf Hitler himself looks really similar to the actor who played his persona (David Bamber). On the top of my list though is Bill Nighy who resembled General Olbricht strikingly accurate. Try to search a photo of the real General Olbricht on the net and compare it with Bill Nighy's depiction so you'll see what I'm talking about.

Great acting. Great production. Great storyline. This movie has the making of a classic if not for Tom Cruise himself. I can't figure out what's wrong with his acting in the film but he seems really out of place among stellar performances by his supporting casts... Terence Stamp (as Ludwig Beck) and Christian Berkel (as Colonel Quirnheim) first come to my mind.

Aside from that, it's totally an experience to watch the movie and worth watching on a good cinema. Know about the later part of the Nazi Germany era on a non-boring way.

8.5 of 10.

PUSH by obi

2009-02-19T07:06:00.002+08:00

Watched this film with the "Stoners" and our guest from Sydney. I can't believe we picked this over "Valkyrie".

Spoiler Alert! Spoiler Alert! Spoiler Alert!

First, there's the Division - a top secret American bureau of power-wielding individuals. Kira – a “pusher” (she can put thoughts inside people’s minds) – escapes the Division and steals the key to their super serum project. She sneaks herself to Hong Kong where the rest of the story drags on… literally.

In comes Cassie (Dakota Fanning), a “watcher” (a clairvoyant), and her predestined bodyguard Nick (Chris Evans), a “mover” (he’s got telekinesis). According to the latter’s foretelling drawings, they need to look for the serum – and thus look for Kira too – to bring down the Division. When they finally get together, the group seeks aid from other gifted allies as they find out that a Chinese crime ring (led by people with super powers too) is also out lose to find the serum.

In an exaggeratedly brilliant maneuver, Nick devises a plan that throws off both the Division and the Chinese gangster, leading to the demise of the groups’ top dogs and the recovery of the coveted item.

The verdict…
It’s a classic example of an “it could have been better” film.

The production (settings, effects, editing and all) is above average. I’m all praises for the cinematography as they did a good job capturing the hubbub of Hong Kong’s busy districts and present it in a grungy yet still artsy kind of way. This is complemented well by the film’s musical scoring. Nice pick of tracks.

The effects are not outright awesome but are not sloppy either. I like the idea of hovering pistols and another “mover” Victor deflecting bullets with telekinetic barriers. The ripples created around deflected bullets are almost negligible but its addition is an eye-fancy.

Having said these, the down side of the movie is not on its more apparent parts but rather on the slow pacing of the story itself. In such steady pace, usually the characters or the plot get too overdeveloped but in “Push” it’s not. For me, the character development is even not enough. So what’s left in between to fill the prolonged scenes is dragging dialogues and trivial info-feeding.

The concept is actually good no matter how you can relate some aspects of it to some of the latest superhero flicks. Some superhuman abilities are presented in interesting ways like when “pushers” dilate eyes when they shove thoughts in the mind of others or how “shifters” metamorphose things in a whim. The world created by the film itself should be creative enough to be able to play around with a good screenplay but here’s where they fail big time.

While the film slowly creeps towards the climax, the resolution is rushed and unimaginative. Nick’s “genius” plans impossibly snapped right into place and most are obviously forced into happening. One specific scene that made me want to walk out of the cinema is when a henchman crashes on top of a car where Nick is locked up, wrecking its chassis and freeing him out of it. I’m usually forgiving when “luck” is in line with providential happenings on movies but sorry I just can’t stomach to buy this lack of creativity.

The casts are so so. Dakota Fanning (Cassie) is uncharacteristically dull. I particularly don’t dig how she acted when she was supposed to be drunk. She looks more like drugged than drunk. See the difference? Camille Belle (Kira) is cool. Chris Evans (Nick) is so so. Djimon Hounsou (Agent Carver) is convincing as a bad guy. Neil Jackson (Victor) is underexposed when his character rocks and more interesting than the Chinese gangster’s female “watcher”. The Chinese gangster’s pair of male banshees is hilarious but I must admit that the movie is able to pull off depicting a sonic blast.

All in all, it had been just a typical hero flick movie when it could have the materials to come up with something worthy of a good following. The lose ends (lots of them) will definitely need a sequel but I hope its screenplay will not be as crappy.

Four of Ten.

HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS AND ALIENATE PEOPLE by jaiskizzy

2009-01-17T07:03:00.000+08:00

the gist: shaun from shaun of the dead is now a british magazine editor who gets kicked out of celebrity parties a lot. the dude suddenly calls him up and hires him to be a writer for sharps, a better established publication based in new york. he penetrates america, the magazine, the world of hollywood and desperately wants to do the same to that hot chick from transformers. along with mary jane watson and dana scully, whose ass will he eventually kiss?

this film hits close because i, too, have had the bittersweet experience of working for a magazine. like simon pegg's character, sidney young, i went in ready to shake things up, to introduce fresh blood-ink to the pages. sure i got the chance to do my real passion and get paid for it but it never said in the contract that i had to deal with assholes and complete morons every day. so, i quit that shit and lived to tell the tale. the same cannot be said for sidney. after realizing that his(our) non-conformist attitude was getting him nowhere, he shrugged everything off and wrote the article that was forced upon him. the result: instant success. exclusive party invites, bumping bums with celebrities, even seeing the demise of his enemies. it's great because that's how things are in real life. the easiest way to the top is through someone else's bottom. still, if the only road to fulfilling your dreams is by taking shit from other people, then it's a triumph from shit and nothing to be proud of. but that's just me and my preachy intro.

anyways, as expected, simon pegg was hilarious. liked him in shaun and the bit part he did in missin:impossible 3. here, even with americanized humor, he made the role believably funny with his unlimited supply of witty quips and punchlines. his reactive facial expressions bury the pinoy comedy movie "nye!" and "acheche!" deeper in the corny cemetery. now, jeff bridges. there's a guy we havent seen for a while. after being the bald obadiah stane, it's good to see the dude back in long hair sans the 'stache and beard. his role was small but big, if you catch my drift.

i never understood why kirsten dunst was cast as mary jane in the spider-man movies. peter and harry fight over this snaggletoothed chick? anyways so i really dont get how she bags these "female-character-that-the-main-male-character-goes-nuts-for" roles. she's not attractive at all. like if i was watching flies congregating on dog poo and she walked by naked sucking on a lollipop and twirling pigtailed hair, i wouldnt bother to look. i mean, if it was me who had to choose between her and megan fox, the choice would be pretty obvious. i would definitely, no questions asked, automatically pick my girlfriend over these celebrity bitches. i love you, love.

so...

i liked the story, how it began, how it progressed, but hated how it concluded. i wished it not to go where i expected it to go, but it did and that's where the film failed me. i dont know if the book that this was based on had the same ending but it's the ending of almost about every chick flick that kept tissue manufacturers in business. oh, well... that's why it's called mainstream.

the good: the story and the simon pegg.
the bad: cliche love story ending.
the ugly: the penis.
the verdict: 7 strips of tape on the face.

skizzy old.

BLINDNESS by jaiskizzy

2009-01-06T11:58:00.000+08:00

gist: during rush hour, a japanese guy goes blind behind the wheel with no apparent cause. the mysterious disease seems to be contagious and soon enough, every person he comes into contact with, the optometrist he consults and the other people in the waiting room, suffers the same fate, except for the optometrist's wife who pretends to be blind just to be with her husband. the "white sickness" spreads and the infected are quarantined in a facility where some have lost their sanity as well.

i wouldn't know what to do if i suddenly became blind. i rely too much on my vision, no matter how poor it has gotten. without my eyes, i wouldn't be able to watch movies, read, write, play video games and see my girlfriend's disarming beauty. hence, i wouldn't be able to live. anyways, so i took advantage of my working optic nerves and saw what it would be like if sight was taken away from people in an instant. no explanation, no symptoms and possibly no cure. needless to say, and yet here i am about to say it, it's a disaster. and that's what this film feels like, a disaster movie without floods or meteors or tornadoes and such but is every bit gripping. there were teeth-clenching moments that you'd think im watching a guy about to fall off a cliff but it's just a woman trying to keep her groceries away from the other "shoppers". intense. i guess i shouldn't be that surprised since the movie was directed by the same guy who did city of god and the constant gardener.

i was surprised to see casshern as the first victim. it's obvious that the filmmakers wanted to make the city generic by casting with different races, but this japanese man and his japanese wife and the chinese prime minister seemed out of place. i dont know. maybe it's just me being used to watching asian movies the way they are made. anyways, the story doesn't pick up until the infected are forced into the quarantine facility, where the effects of the sickness are represented by the three wards: the good-natured people, the neutrals, and the sick, evil bastards in ward 3, led by self-proclaimed king, gael garcia bernal. the moment these animals took over, even though they were the last batch to arrive, i was like, if that happened in the philippines, the greedy fucks wouldn't take that long to surface. you just know that even in a small group of pinoys, there's at least one who would immediately horde the supplies for himself/herself.

good, good movie. whether you take the message literally or metaphorically, you'd get it, well, if you're smart enough cause some people would probably just go, so, you'd go crazy if you're blind and shit?! anyway, i wish i could recommend this for family viewing but it has sex and violence so sorry, kids.

good: story, cinematography.
bad: what it all amounts to.
ugly: julianne moore crying.
verdict: 7 phoropters.

skizzy wonder.

BOLT by jaiskizzy

2008-12-22T10:37:00.001+08:00

the gist: bolt is the dog superstar of a tv show, the success of which is built upon the fact that the dog believes everything is real. bolt's person is a girl named penny and he is highly devoted to protecting her. when he is accidentally shipped to new york following an episode cliffhanger of penny being kidnapped by their arch-nemesis dr. calico, the green-eyed man, bolt travels across the states to save her, picking up a sardonic alley cat named mittens and his number one hamster-in-ball fan named rhino along the way. can disney make a great cgi movie without using pixar powers?

well, looks like they can, folks. not all cgi films are rendered equal. many have tried to top the home of luxo jr. the jumping lamp, but most have failed (shark tale, robots, the shrek sequels), only cashing in on the darn kids who'd throw tantrums just watch them. the throne still belongs to pixar but disney was able to deliver a 3d animated film almost at par with their sibling company's brainchildren. almost because, it has quality and great story, the characters are cute and memorable, but it's a traditional disney yarn for the family just woven in glorious cgi. it's exactly what you would expect from a disney movie. not that it's a bad thing per se, i like most of disney's stuff, it just doesn't break the old mold. the moment you enter a screening of a cookie-cutter disney flick, you know that there'll be tearjerking and heartstring pulling, that everything's safe for kids to see and that it's gonna end happy no matter how dire the situation would get. so, yeah, no old yeller ending here.

i really liked the character designs. im always for uniqueness. they're pretty simple--white dog, black cat, furry hamster--and yet they bear no resemblance to anything done before. i dont know, but i just found it cute the first time rhino releases himself from his plastic ball. my favorite though were the pigeons with various accents. they oughta have a spinoff movie. anyways, also, the singularity of the characters owes partly to the voice talents, i guess. john travolta as the voice of the heroic hound was glove. also, i've always been fond of the way the animators incorporate the celebrities voice actors' features to the their animated counterparts and in this case, bolt had john travolta's mouth. cant say the similar to the cat and the hamster because i have no freakin idea who voiced them. mittens kinda sounded like zoeey deschanel but older. whoever did rhino did great in capturing the orgasmic glee of a fan thrust into a once-in-a-lifetime dream adventure.

this film reminds me a lot of an old tv movie entitled c.h.o.m.p.s., about a robot dog (anyone else seen that?!). always liked it when the guy opens up the dog to check the stuff inside. anyways, like a lot of the good stuff from days of long ago, it should never be raped(remade). just watch bolt. and its sure-as-pups eventual sequel.

the good: story, characters
the bad: predictability
the ugly: that penny was voice by bucktooth cyrus
the verdict: 8 sicilian pigeons

dr. calicot, the green-minded man.

MADAGASCAR 2: ESCAPE TO AFRICA by jeeanfoxy

2008-11-19T13:40:00.002+08:00

it was a battle between James Bond and Alex the Lion. the latter won and the decision was made. it was madagascar day today.

oh boy, do i regret it.

my ass was practically bouncing up and down my chair when ferb called to say we were going to watch madagascar 2. well i saw the movie trailer a week ago i swore to myself that i will watch this movie as soon as i get the chance. ferb knew how much i wanted to see it so he invited me to a movie date on the first day of screening (today, 11-7-08). he meant well, but the movie itself disappointed me.

it disappointed me.

the movie takes place immediately after the ending of the previous installment so you can expect that the beginning was rushed and the rest of it dragged. the comedy was cliche and the usual slapstick antics brought in the yawns. there were too many dull moments and in every one, all i could think of was "where are the penguins? penguins! more penguins, goshdarnit!" sadly, it was only the penguins that kept me awake.

has it ever happened to you that while watching a movie, you can easily point out where the story shifts chapters? like for example, it's happy singing dancing lollygagging time, and the next thing you know, the characters are fighting and suddenly turn emo. well you can find many scenes like that in this one. it's like manic-depressive chaos.

or maybe i just expected too much out of it?

i might be ranting too much about an animated movie supposedly made to satisfy the expectations of children, but it's a FAMILY MOVIE, and family movies are supposed to hit the mark for adults as well. madagascar 2 didn't do much for me.

here's another thing that bothered me: the Lion King flashbacks. i had them while watching this. there were too many details close to the lion king that only a kid who watched the original lion king movies would understand. maybe the creators ~~were too lazy to make up a more interesting and original storyline~~ took inspiration from that, perhaps?

madagascar 2's animated animals sure know how to move it. they had their chance in the first one and now in the second one. they're just made to be party-happy i guess, so be it. but then here's madagascar 3 in the works right now and i don't think another serving of dancing lemurs and bipolar animals would be necessary. could someone in the creative team take that story board to the atlantic ocean and let it float away to africa? thank you.

oh my God. the movie is so bad i forgot about the weight of moral fiber.

i've lost my faith in alex, gloria, melman, marty, the annoying lemurs, and even my beloved flightless penguins. they gotta prove me wrong in 2011.

THOUGHT:
a star studded cast doesn't always mean it's a good movie, especially if things aren't executed right.

xoxo
JEEAN

TETSUO by angel

2008-11-19T13:35:00.003+08:00

". . . I enjoy being raped by the machine but at the same time I want to destroy the things that are invading me, the human being."

——Shinya Tsukamoto

Completely insane, unpleasant, visually stimulating oddities and bizarre as hell - TETSUO is a high speed surreal chase that Shinya Tsukamoto pulls off Hollywood mediocrity, he created a film that's both accessible and also capable of showing you things you've never seen before.

The movie begins in an abandoned factory where the metal fetishist is hit by a car driven by a businessman with his girlfriend then dumped the victim into the woods then escaped. The next day starts the telepathic bond between them and the radical grotesque body transformation into a pile of metal junk. Watch out for the disturbing yet funny "erotic" scenes though, it is hard to watch depending on how dark your humor is but still, I’m inclined to laugh don't ask why :P

My only complaints would be Tsukamoto's complete lack in-depth characterization and confusing plot that went on unfortunate directions that makes me scratch me empty head, but in the end, it's primarily a brain teaser, obtuse and makes you squirm.

MIRRORS by jaiskizzy

2008-10-21T06:18:00.005+08:00

gist: jack bauer has retired and, because of wifey issues, is now living with his sister, the chick who had public sex with the transporter guy in crank. with nothing else better to do, he takes on a job as a nightwatchman for an old mall that burned down years ago. of course, this being a horror movie entitled mirrors, the whole establishment is fried and crispy except for, wait for it... the mirrors. and so begins the monstrous mirrory murders. or murderous mirrory monstrosities. cue the christina aguilera song from mulan.

reaction: i couldnt pick which of the two intros i had in mind to use for this review (the one about not spending more than 2 seconds in front of a mirror per day or my friends and i talking over beer about how it would be creepy if you were brushing your teeth in front of the mirror, you bowed down to spit and look up only to see that your reflection is still bowed down). so, i guess i'll just get on with it. despite the rather predictable ending, i really liked alexandre aja's haute tension. i was sold on the "blowjob" scene. anyways, here he is again feeding my hunger for gore with mirrors. although few and far in between, the meaty parts are just as bloody fucked up as i want them to be. no cutaways, no inadequate lighting, no coverups, as usually employed by pussy directors. movies like this are the triple x of horror, you see the whole thing close and clear.

sadly, the positives end there. it had me going with the opening scene and kept me engaged with the sight of blood, but there wasn't much else going on. kiefer sutherland's involvement made no difference. it could have been anyone in the role. very bland. after a long time doing 24, you'd expect that on his return to movies he would at least own the darn role. especially since he's surrounded by unknowns (except for amy smart. she was ok). there's the actress who played his wife who is not only not pretty enough but had the acting skills of a cardboard. the kids must have been her real-life kids because they seem to have inherited that from her. i also did not like the boy-who-cried-wolf angle. cant there be a movie where the supporting characters heed the protagonist's warnings the very first time, no matter how farfetched they are? or, they dont believe at first, but when undeniable proof comes along (usually someone dies), the protagonist gets to kick the face of everyone who didnt believe?

anyways, one other thing this movie shouldn't have had were the false scares. i still dream of the day when horror movies become truly scary again and do not resort to the false scares. the entity behind all the ill-doings should ought to be the one making me jump off my seat and not a cat in the closet, a dog, or a guy appearing outside the car. no more of that shit please. had a good enough story though, the denouement was fine with me, even though it was quite absurd. i know, i know, leave the reality hat by the door, but really now, why did "they" leave her and slack off for many years, and then suddenly decide to get people to kill so that they could get back to her? answer: so the movie could have an ending, i guess.

so, yeah, i liked it but not enough to include it in the list of my favorite movies in friendster. my gore fix was satisfied but my fear sponge remains dry.

the good: the gore
the bad: the acting
the ugly: why so serious, amy smart?
the verdict: 6 self-healing mirrors.

glasshole.

THE RUINS by jaiskizzy

2008-09-05T05:10:00.000+08:00

the gist: two couples are enticed by a german dude to spend the last day of their mexican vacation gawking at the ruins of a mayan temple hidden in the jungle. as soon as they arrive at the site, they get a warm welcome from the locals: their greek companion takes an arrow to the shoulder and a bullet to the head. the terrified tourists are forced to climb the hill-like structure where a far worse enemy lurks, thirsting for their blood. dum-dum-dum!

word of advice, travellers: if you're going on a trip to a place where you've never been before and you're not familiar with the people, especially if it's jungle, do not watch this movie before the trip. really, it will murder your plans. it's been years since ive been into one, the taal volcano trek of doom, and i dont think i'd have agreed to it if i saw this movie beforehand. going off the beaten track into precarious terrain with gun-toting strangers? i'd be like, no, thanks, i'd like to keep the skin on my legs. anyways, this is a pretty fucked-up movie that'll will surely make non-outdoors people stay under their rocks and it's pretty hard to say anything about it without giving spoilers. mum's the word on the movie's antagonist...

(drumming fingers on desk) okay. so, this is kinda like hostel, foreigners experiencing the ultimate culture shock, except there's no machines or tools of gruesome death. well, there's a pulley but it's meant only to transport people in and out of the hill/temple. that place has got some nifty interiors, btw. gore fans (like me) will not be disappointed though, thanks to the leader dude who puts his med school knowledge to good, gory use. i find it a bit amusing though that this movie is basically about survival and the leader dude named jeff looked and was dressed like jeff probst, the host of survivor.

no scares, just nice tension between the characters and the proper amount of cringe-inducing gore, no celebs, except maybe for iceman who tried to disguise himself with an afro-ish haircut and beard, and also didnt use his super cool powers to defeat the enemy. there was a little t&a in the beginning, but it wasnt the cute chick with the glasses. i do think they could have made a better ending by solving the "problem" and then reveal that there's just a similar but bigger "problem" that exists a few blocks away. plus, you cant let those murderous mexicans just get away with their shit.

based on a book which i havent read, the ruins is a good little thriller sans a serial killer. not a horror movie per se, but it delivers in areas a lot of the recent fright flicks failed to. i suddenly remembered that weird scene from evil dead...

the good: tension, gore, story.
the bad: slow start.
the ugly: i squirmed when jeff made cuts to stacy's body to get the [spoiler] out.
the verdict: 7 phone rings.

the ruined.

YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN by obi

2008-08-28T10:02:00.003+08:00

BEWARE: SPOILERS AHEAD

An Israeli special forces agent, Zohan fakes his death to travel to America and fulfill his life-long dream to be a hairdresser. In New York, he worked for a small downtown salon located on a Middle Eastern neighborhood. There, despite his unusual success as a hair stylist because of his "extra" services, several complications troubled him which basically stems from cultural differences between the Arabs and the Jews.

What happened next in between this part of the film is fairly inconsequential as most scenes seem to appear as "extenders" to justify an hour-long screening time.

A significant part is that in the end, Zohan allies with a high-ranking Palestinian terrorist (his own ex-nemesis, Phantom) to thwart some rednecks' plan to frame the Jews and the Arabs against themselves. Their alliance heralds the story's resolution which basically comprise of Zohan being able to setup his own salon with his new Palestinian wife and his folks finally approving him of leaving the military service to pursue hairdressing.

The verdict:
Brainless hillarity. It's typical Adam Sandler-fun with much zaniness and slapstick antics. It has several frivolous scenes and it seems that a lot of unnecessary stills are forced into the movie for it to have a sense of a story or maybe to further lengthen it and have extra airtime for more comedy... be it funny or, for most of the part, not. In spite of it, I have to admit that I had a few good laughs for the jokes' sheer dumbness especially when Zohan does his gesture of goodbye. He pats his chest dignifiedly then his uber-crotch.

...on the casts,
As said earlier, it's a typical Adam Sandler over-the-top goofy acting reminiscent of "Waterboy" and "The Wedding Singer" performances. This time, he put himself on another ridiculous role where, no matter how predictable his silliness can be, he can still pull it off and make people laugh. He oddly sounds and, sometimes, act like Borat in the film though.

I'm not familiar with Emanuelle Chriqui, the lady who played as the owner of the salon where Zohan part-timed as a hairdresser, but her credential is fairly extensive. Still, her role doesn't have much challenge and she just acted appropriately. Rob Schneider is equally silly as Sandler. Although I'm leaning towards appreciating his acting skills in this film more than Sandler's in that when you look at it, you can feel that there's more effort and "mind" put into the role. John Turturro (the Phantom) looks overacting. I dunno if that's the design for his character.

...on the story,
The humor behind the story mostly borders on racial stereotyping. If this is not your type of laugh, the movie will sure bore you. The plot is satirical in a "deposit your brains by the entrance to the movie house" kind of way. It's done for outright fun (although you have to stoop down to the filthiest meaning of it) so overanalyzing the film contents is just NOT worth it.

It wants to nudge the political concern of the Arab-Israeli conflict but the use of such brainless hillarity as a medium will not deliver the point as intended. Take it as this: they set their viewers to NOT THINK deeply of the movie by doing mindless humors then want them to UNDERSTAND a serious political message conveyed in it.

...on everything else,
I can't get the Mariah Carey obsession and it even get worse with her appearance. Eh?? I dunno if the Zohan got a BAM-BAM-BOOM from the singer for this much lame promotion.

In the movie, when a scene is funny, it totally is. But the rest (which constitutes most of the airtime) are either disgusting or uninteresting. Watch this if you have nothing to do in a mall, waiting for your folks to finish in the grocery or your car to get fixed. But to allot time just to see it? Forget it.

P. S. I LOVE YOU by jeeanfoxy

2008-08-17T10:00:00.002+08:00

ok, before you snare at what you just read, let me just say that the title doesn't give justice to the movie. it isn't as cheesy as you think. or maybe that's just me. it's a chick flick for cryin out loud! but i do think guys could get something out of this. you don't have rocks for hearts, do you guys? *smug*

"A young widow discovers that her late husband has left her 10 messages intended to help ease her pain and start a new life."

starring:
Hilary Swank
Gerard Butler ( fyi, he's King Leonidas, bitches! )
Lisa Kudrow
Kathy Bates

my cousin meggy came home today and as a bonding moment we watched this movie in her room.

so here's the deal, let's cut the crap.

i'm impressed. the dialogues were long but nonetheless entertaining. the story is somewhat different from the rest of the chick flicks i've seen and it kept me guessing what was gonna be the resolution. lovezit. it was a little dragging though, a bit confusing at times (i always needed to tell the flashbacks and the imagination apart) but the context was intense, romantic, realistic, heavy, but it never failed to give me the good ol' "awwwww...". it was drama with a pint of comedy and just the right mix of love.

and goddamit those filming locations are superb!!!
( if it's CGI, then wtf, i don't care. )

here are some of my favorite lines.

Gerry Kennedy/Gerard Butler:
Dear Holly, I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out buying ice cream and you'll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you. It isn't to go down memory lane or make you buy a lamp, you can take care of yourself without any help from me. It's to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Holly. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you

Holly Kennedy/Hilary Swank:
[crying] When daddy left, I was fourteen, and I said... never again, no man. And then I meet Gerry. This wonderful man happens to me and then, and then, and then he died! What was the point? I'm so angry I could kill somebody. I'm alone, and it doesn't matter what job I have or what I do or what I don't do or what friends I have, he's not here. I mean you're alone no matter what.

Holly Kennedy/Hilary Swank:
Dear Gerry, you said you wanted me to fall in love again, and maybe one day I will. But there are all kinds of love out there. This is my one and only life, And its a great and terrible and short and endless thing, and none of us come out of it alive. I don't have a plan... except, it's time my mom laughed again. She has never seen the world... she has never seen Ireland. So, I'm taking her back where we started... Maybe now she'll understand. I don't know how you did it, but you brought me back from the dead. I'll write to you again soon. P.S... Guess what?

Jeeanfoxy:
Love is forever. It's a blackhole that's hard to get out of. You can turn into shreds or just disappear. But the weird thing about it is we love the feeling of not being able to get out. Love conquers our being. It unleashes our inner selves and our truest needs and wants. And if we die in this black hole confused, in denial, and alone, the important thing is we had the chance to experience all the risks, the falls, and the renaissance, and we regret no more. It is the reality that we're all afraid of. Why? Because once again, we know, we can't get out of it. There's no stopping it. It sucks you in and drains you of your strength. It drained me. It did. It still does. But to my surprise, the pain it causes me gives me happiness because the pain always ends, and the pleasure afterwards seems better. You and I have entered into the world of uncertainty and moments tainted with sinful thoughts and inescapable agony, fear and hope, but still, love is there, and suddenly the ocean breeze whispers, "I'm wind. I can be stronger, I can be a storm, but I'm still me, and you're still together. And then I disappear, and you realize that you're in each others' arms, closer than ever, your everlasting warmth keeping you alive."

That warmth, is nothing else, but love.
And I'm keeping it.

I'm alive. Love keeps me breathing.

xoxo
Jeean

ps.
I love you.

*yes. the cinemafia is open for chick flick reviews as well, as long as they're as good as this. -don skizzo

THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR by obi

2008-08-13T13:11:00.002+08:00

SPOILERS AHEAD!

The spoiler:
The O'Connell's are back from retirement as they are tasked to bring an artifact (The Eye of Shangri-La) in China. Along with it, their son Alex discovers the tomb of a cursed Emperor of Qin and later on accidentally free it from its millenium-long stasis. With backup from radical Chinese militants, the Dragon Emperor schemes to conquer the world with his terra cotta army but first, he has to consolidate his powers by bathing at the pool of Immortality. This being guarded by the same witch that cursed him and his army.

The Qin Emperor later on succeeds and he is transformed into a shapeshifting megalomaniac. With the ragtag band composed of the O'Connell's, old pals Jonathan and Mad Dog, the witch and her cute daughter, and a bunch of comic Yetis, they hunt down the Qin Emperor and thwart his evil plan armed with the only blade that can send him back to Death.

Of course, we all know that they'll win.

The verdict:
I watched the film half-knowing that it'll suck. I've seen its previews and sans the fact that hot-mom Rachel Weisz will not reprise her role as Evie, it's still plain to see from it that the production team is overdoing something and the casts are otherwise cashing in badly.

...on the casts,
I can't see the flare of the prequel Rick (Brendan Fraser) and Evie (formerly Rachel Weisz) on this movie and it owed much to the lackluster portrayal of the new Evelyn O'Connor (Maria Bello... who is she anyway?). Brendan's output lacks the dashing appeal he showed on the first two films and this is matched by the equally flat performance by Luke Ford who played the grown up Alex O'Connor. Repeating his role as the feisty Jonathan Carnahan, John Hannah is a comic relief to the entire boring casts. Michelle Yeoh (the witch, Zi Juan) and Jet Li (Dragong Emperor Han) could have acted better but they are underexposed on the screenplay, the latter being a CG monster on almost half of his screen outing. Argh. Have to be partial for Isabella Leong (Zi Juan's daughter, Lin). I watched the film just for her. She's cute and I just can't resist chinky chicks. She did her stunts well but her emotions are mismatched.

...on the story,
It's a typical "Mummy" film. The entire franchise is based on a formula plot: Chief Evil Mummy goes alive, Chief Evil Mummy raises army, Rick's Gang musters own army, Rick's Gang's Army on the verge of being defeated by Chief Evil Mummy's army, Rick's Gang defeats Chief Evil Mummy back to wherever-land, Rick's Gang's Army saved... and so is the world!

It's just a consolation that the story setting interests me (Imperial China) but you should not expect much of a twist on the storyline. The plot has been very outright from the start of the film and you'll gonna have a near-prescient guess of how the story will go. An unexpected surprise comes from the appearance of the Yeti pack that although stirred in some good laugh, sealed my conviction that this movie's going to be corny. They're just unnecessary and even made the storyline even more sooo dragging.

CGI works is mediocre in quality but the overdone presence of the computer generated monstrosities made it look that they're there just for the sake of having beasts on the film. I've always liked the "Mummy" concept but they should have stick with a more realistic approach on the story. Making it exaggeratedly fantastic by forcing in elaborate CG beast-works is a show off that din't do any justice for the "Mummy" plot in general.

...on the fight scenes,
I rarely scrutinize much on this part of movies since as long as they are visually swashbuckling, they are good to me. However, just for the lack of any good reasons to look forward to in this movie (except again that pretty Chinese girl, Lin), they did considerably good battle scenes in fairness. I always looked forward to this scenes on the Mummy-series where both good and evil armies clashed on an open battlefield. The complexity of generating two massive armies clashing leaves me in awe and this film din't disappoint me on that aspect.

The Michelle Yeoh versus Jet Li duel is lacking in intensity.

...on everything else,
I missed Rachel Weisz because of this movie. I can imagine several Evie scenes that could have been more effective if she's the one delivering it. She has this sense of composure and sophistication that Maria Bello just can't assume. The spunky Evelyn O'Connor role became just a meer plain woman on this sequel. I can't blame Rachel for turning down the role upon looking at the screenplay (yes, it's the rumour).

Watch it for the underexposed Michelle Yeoh and Jet Li but take a good nap on the rest of the film.

I was convincing myself for a 6 of 10 rating (even 7, after watching it!) just because of Jet Li, Michelle Yeoh, the army battle scene, Lin, and the pretty Chinese army Lieutenant. But the general blandness of the entire production deserves a 4 out of 10.

And I know I'm still being kind.

THE DARK KNIGHT by jaiskizzy

2008-07-20T14:43:00.004+08:00

"slaughter is the best medicine"

the gist: ever since batman began, gotham city's crime rate is on a dwindle with evildoers rainchecking their evildoings at the sight of the bat signal and mobsters holding their prayer meetings during the day. and with the people's paladin, harvey dent, on his side, future-commissioner gordon can't help but wear a happy smile under his 'stache. as the batman disposes of his posers (instead of posting bulletins on friendster), some nutjob who flunked cosmetic school and chose a career in carnage intrudes and offers his insights for a better gotham. for a guy named joker, he ain't funny at all.

i've always thought that tim burton's vision of batman was ok. eventhough it looked like batman might start singing and pirouetting any moment, the first two films were dark and gothic and i liked it. then came joel schumacher who gayified the franchise by adding colors like pink, corny oneliners and bat nipples (but not on batgirl). for that, he will never be forgiven. so, thank holy heavens for christopher nolan for putting the man back in batman and bringing him into the real world. great director. memento remains one of my favorite films ever. this dude is like a hollywood jesus who took the diseased caped crusader and cured him. batman begins was just a taste of what he could do with the material. with the origin story done with, he could take the bat wherever he wanted and he took the dark knight to masterpiece territory. his directorial decisions were perfect, turning the movie into more of a noir crime film than a flashy superhero movie, with great characters, pacing, action, tension, drama, dialogue, all in one two-hour short presentation. and there's no dragging, tearjerker funeral for the death of a major character. i like that. forget not, of course, his bro, jonathan, a huge part of the genius of nolan's movies for his amazing screenwriting powers. darn these nolans.

i'll strike the below-zero first because there's only one and it goes by the name of maggie gyllenhaal. she's a fine actress, yes, liked her in secretary, but she just failed to be rachel dawes, a character invented for the franchise to replace vicki vale. she just destroyed any possibility of ms. dawes being added into the batman comic canon. she's not ugly, but compared to mrs. cruise, she is. it's an olive oyl syndrome. watching her be torn between bruce wayne and harvey dent was like watching popeye and bluto fight over that ugly bitch. you just don't get why. maybe she gives good head? i dont know. but anyways...

christian bale is an amazing bruce wayne. he's a good batman, but i've always believed michael keaton played the dichotomy better. bale's lips looked weird when he spake as batman. dont know if it's supposed to be an effect of the voice enhancer but it seemed like had too much love for lip readers. the costume looks fine btw. finally solved that head-turning issue. anyways, who the heck is aaron eckhart? give this guy a medal. what a great harvey dent he was, especially when he became two-face. give another medal to the guy who made two-face's gross half like that. that shit is nasty. i had flashbacks of skinned goats hanging in the kitchen during fiesta in my grandparents' house. awesome. the perfect casting of gary oldman as jim gordon is proven even more in this sequel, as he isnt a minor character anymore. do you know the name of the fat dude in the other batman movies? no? me neither. anyways, there's this scene where batman, gordon and dent are forging an alliance on the bat signal rooftop which is lifted directly from the long halloween and that was just amazing.

now, the late heath ledger as joker... first, great that the joker doesnt have an origin. in the comics, the joker is so insane that he himself can't tell which past in his mind is real (he prefers multiple choice, the killing joke). that concept was realized nicely in the movie, with joker telling different stories on how he got his ichi-the-killer inspired scars. anyways, back to heath. just about every superlative and hyperbole has been used on his performance and it deserves every one of them. unlike batman who gets to be bruce wayne/christian bale, he was in joker makeup almost the whole time because he was not heath ledger anymore. he was just the joker. every flick of his tongue and roll of his eye, every fidget and every word he says, topnotch. i still hold firm that mark hamill did the definitive joker voice but heath ledger is joker in the flesh. that is one hard portrayal to match, let alone beat, if they ever decide to make a part three and bring the clown prince of crime back. if they do, i nominate either javier bardem or joseph gordon-levitt (just because he looks like heath). put harley quinn in and i'll buy a ticket right now.

no surprise that the dark knight is kicking ass outside of the movie world, breaking box office records like bones. the film is so great it has been lined up with the classics heat and the godfather 2. i couldn't agree more. the dark knight blew me away more than all of my exgfs did.

the good: the whole movie except...
the bad: maggie gyllenhaal.
the ugly: ditto.
the verdict: 10 disappearing pencils.

the dork knight.
(or the choker. this review is for my harley quinn.)

THE DARK KNIGHT by jeeanfoxy

2008-07-18T19:12:00.002+08:00

so what if it's another batman movie? its the best one yet!

things get more comic-y this time around, unlike in Batman Begins where the darkness and dragging storyline consumed me more than the good parts did. in the first one i kept thinking "o tapos? ano ngayon? so? ang tagal! flashback na naman? ano ba tlg?" ...and needless to say batman's props looked like crap. boo.

the dark knight presented a totally different perspective of what a batman movie should be. it was obviously done excellently from start to finish, and i bet even the split-second scenes took time to get right. the car chases were a bit dizzying but satisfying nonetheless. and here's a big plus: the hunky christian bale in his upgraded batman getup loaded with way cooler gadgets that will keep your head spinning all thoughout the movie.

and here go the minuses. (1) a very un-lengthy exposure of a villain (no, not the Joker). (2) maggie gyllenhaal's fugliness kept me distracted and detached from her Rachel Daws character. miscast. bigtime. and um... (3) batman isn't a hero? o.O

and now we come to Heath Andrew. Heath "Sayang ka bakit ka namatay" Andrew Ledger. his performace deserves an Oscar, no doubt about it. no one else could have played the role of The Joker better. heathie, may you rest in peace, drug-free.

the dark knight kept me at the edge of my seat. i'm the type of person who gets bored quite easily, but with TDK, i had my eyes glued to the screen from start to finish. the movie was quite long but it didn't fuckin matter...! the dark knight rules. boom. box office.

watch it, you low lives. here's my analogy: for the girls, it's better than chocolates and flowers on top of a box filled with havaianas. for the guys, it's better than your favorite porn.

xoxo
JeeanHatesMaggieGyllenhaal

THE DARK KNIGHT by obi

2008-07-18T18:44:00.001+08:00

Spoiler Alert! Spoiler Alert! Spoiler Alert!

The Spoiler:
Organized crime still plagues the city of Gotham. A triumvirate is formed between the police (Lt. Gordon), the law (District Attorney Dent), and Batman to spearhead the rounding up of criminal gangs in the city. Enter the psycho villain, Joker. While the streets of Gotham are being swept of malfeasance, the Joker consolidates his own mob and created havoc and confusion among the populace.

The trio deviced a plan and successfully captured the "clown" but a series of devious schemes turned the table against the good guys. Joker escapes and continues his terror. With several key persons dead along his wake, one of the most critical loss is Rachel Dawes, Harvey Dent's girl. This, and Harvey's nasty facial injury, culminates his jump to the dark side as the coin-flipping villain, Two Face.

Two Face hunts the then promoted Commissioner Gordon for revenge while the Joker rigged another terror plot. Batman, with the help of a new technology patterned after a concept by Wayne Enterprise's CEO, captures the Joker in record time and thwarts Dent's reprisal.

In the end, we will see scenes of the city's "liberation" from its dependence to Batman. But c'mon, we all know that the Bat will be back for God-knows how many more sequels. I look forward to that.

The Opinion:
I was in awe since the start of the film and not just because I look up to Batman. Bias aside, the movie is a masterpiece worthy of being elevated to timelessness.

...on the casts,
Christian Bale further seeps into the role of the Bat, hands down. As much as I would want to cling to the illusion that Michael Keaton has the best Batman portrayal, rectitude tells that it has to be Christian Bale now. Aaron Eckhart (Harvey Dent) did very well and convincing both as a good guy and a bad guy. It reminds me of the lead roles in "Face Off". Gary Oldman is just right as a younger Commissioner Gordon who is still in his prime as a hands-on crime fighter (most would remember him as the aged "office cop" from the comics). Morgan Freeman (CEO Lucius Fox) has short appearances in the film but I dig the coldness he exhibited. It's just fit for the role's stature. Michael Caine (Alfred the Butler) is an auto-include. The Alfred Pennyworth role just screams his name and I can't imagine any other candidates in his place that will give justice to it.

I have some reservations for Maggie Gyllenhaal (Rachel Dawes), though. The chemistry between her and Harvey Dent no matter how their scenes are expertly developed in terms of the script and exposure is just mediocre. I might attribute this to the brilliance of the rest of the casts who performed above expectation. Leaving the best for last, I'd want to outright stand and applause after the screening for the late Heath Ledger for a very very terrific performance (magmumuka nga lang akong tanga). Damn, that's a very radical portrayal of the Joker but it's one that I'd put my money on! One can really feel the psychosis albeit twisted genius behind the clown because of Ledger's acting. I say, it was a great redemption from the Brokeback image and a dramatic conclusion to his career. Salute!

...on the story,
Phasing is good. It's chock-full of action cuts and what's best is that they were able to fuse this with a not-so-plain storyline. I was anticipating that the plot would be just the basic "good versus evil" formula but there were twists in the film that proved me wrong. One thing to take note is the exposure laid for the Joker character. It was developed brilliantly through out the story and with help from Ledger's exceptional performance, I can go as far as saying this should be a "Joker" movie and not a Batman one... or perhaps a "Batman AND Joker" film, at the most.

I've always been a fan of the more comic-ish Batman flicks (Tim Burton's "Batman" films) since it stick with the dark Gothic theme of the cape crusader but "Dark Knight" makes me a believer of the realism version. This one is dark enough while proving that it can still be close to reality. Of course, there are obvious exaggerations of factual circumstances but nothing that din't help to make a terrific progress on the storyline.

The "Dark Knight" Batman is very human in terms of real-life predicaments and concerns. He was not portrayed as the typical carefree "I-kill-you-all" hero. I just hate it though when he do his Inday Garutay baritone to cover up his real voice. I would want to laugh my arse off in this scene where he was arguing with Commissioner Gordon. He could barely raise his voice as much as the scene requires it since he has to maintain the Inday Garutay tone. Bwehehe!

...on the Bat-gears,
I like the mobility that the new batsuit gives the wearer. By looking at how the fight scenes are done, you'll have an idea that the costume does not impede the actor to do realistic combat. One thing I'm a bit off is the mask itself. There were angles that it's just too chubby on the jaws that he looks more like an owl sans the pointy ears than a bat. It's not sleek enough but maybe it's just me.

As always, the Hummer-like batmobile is cool but the comic dude in me will not pick it over the classic long jet-black Corvette-like batmobile. There's also the batpod (bike). Great design, I say. Riders will love it and its uber-huge wheels. I want one.

...on everything else,
Visuals are good. Some CG work, great. I like this part when they blew a hospital down. It seems unnecessary but the overall impact of a huge building blowing into pieces amidst a fear-stricken population adds up to the dramatic effect.

The film is long at 2 hours and a half but it din't bore me and in fact everything seems to have just gone briefly. It'll make you wanting for more. I've been reading reviews on the web (finally, I have the luxury to do it since I've already watched the film... I was aching to read around since yesterday!) and it was the same sentiment all over. We shout part 3!!!

I can't think of capping my review by talking about Batman alone. "The Dark Knight" put Joker in a whole new iconic status of his own. You'd watch this not only for the cape crusader but the brilliance behind the clown's portrayal.

10 out of 10!

PS: Pay extra attention when Joker says he'll gonna make the pencil disappear! Hahaha! Why so serious?!

WANTED by jaiskizzy

2008-07-06T16:15:00.002+08:00

the gist: office pawn wesley is fed up with his life in a cubicle. he takes anti-anxiety pills to calm himself down from smashing the pc monitor into a co-worker's face. turns out that his high anxiety means something: his father who left him when he was a week old is actually one of the best assassins in town. a group of assassins called the fraternity, complete with hazing initiation, wants him to be part of their payroll. they send angelina jolie to "recruit" him, which is a great decision since it's pretty hard to say no to her. cue the bon jovi song and let the bullets fly!

i had a very similar movie plot years ago which is now worthless because it's gonna look like i ripped off wanted. boo-hoo. the moment i saw the bullets hitting each other in the trailer, i was like, there goes one of my script ideas blown to smithereens. anyways, when i heard that the director of wanted was the russian guy who directed the russian film nightwatch, i knew there was something spectacular to look forward to this movie. nightwatch and its sequel daywatch were absurd but visually cool films and the director has brought his unique style to hollywood. wanted will make you question physics while wearing a tent in your pants. and i aint even talking about angelina jolie yet. without giving anything away, you have never seen wanted's action scenes in any other action movie.

moving on to mrs. pitt. i would watch any movie with angeline jolie shooting a gun. that woman is badass. she doesnt hold a gun like a girl. i won't be surprised if she's an actual hitwoman in real life. if i were to be killed by an assassin, i would wish it was her, naked, and biting her lower lip when she pulls the trigger. james mcavoy was kind of a hit-and-miss (damned puns). him as wesley the wuss didnt work for me and felt like he was channeling shia labeouf a bit. he was good as the badass bulleteer though.

cant say the same thing about morgan freeman. he's a great actor but he just didnt belong in this movie. i think they were supposed to get samuel l. jackson but he was too busy doing motherfucker speeches in colleges so they opted for morgan instead who acted like he was still the president of the united states of america in deep impact. and since we're on the gripe train already... there were way too many slow-mos that this movie would have probably been half an hour shorter if those scenes had run at normal speed. i mean, okay, we got it the first time, to make the bullet curve, you have to shoot the gun with an arm sweep. it doesnt have to be slow-moed every single time someone does it.

i have several reasons to hate this movie (some aren't even about the movie) but overall i enjoyed the shootout show. word's out that the studios want a sequel but i cant imagine one without angelina. maybe she has a twin sister?

the good: the story, the direction and the hot chick with great lips.
the bad: james mcavoy in the first quarter, slow-mo overkill, and the predictable ending.
the ugly: morgan freeman after he says "oh, fuck."
the verdict: 7 letter-u-substitute teeth.

unwanted.

WRISTCUTTERS: A LOVE STORY by jaiskizzy

2008-07-05T22:04:00.000+08:00

the gist: some guy named zia decides to clean his room up and then slash his wrists with a razor. apparently, when you "off" yourself (commit suicide, yo), you end up in an afterlife world much like ours except it is so dull and everything's been slightly desaturated in photoshop. there he meets eugene who helps him search for his girlfriend, who supposedly killed herself too, and they both bump into a chick who wants to find the people in charge of that world. what a weird and cute lil movie.

i almost offed myself during my angsty years but i couldnt pull the trigger then so there's no way i can confirm if such a dimension exists for suicidals. the emo people surely would love that though. this movie however aint got no shade of emo on it at all. so, dont go owning the movie just because of the title, you sidecombed freaks. anyways, wristcutters is pretty much a journey movie where a guy and his friend hits the road on a quest of some sort and stumbles upon various stuff and people along the way. zia and the moustached dude have great non-chemistry and it's fun to watch them be friends but not really. add in the odd chick who likes to mess up with signs and you've got a trio of misfits who are and arent better off together at the same time. am i making any sense?

the dude who played zia looked familiar, i couldnt quite remember where i've seen him and am too lazy to check imdb. but he's okay, the role didnt call for anything special really. he got to kiss leslie bibb though, so he's pretty lucky. the dude who played the moustached dude though was great. i actually thought he was eugene hutz (the musician that the character was based on). the odd chick was so-so, she's not really on my list of favorite actresses and i would have liked someone beautifuler but she did fine. and then there was...will arnett?!

i'll "cut" this review short and simply say that it's a good film to watch to pass time, not when you want something to pump up your pulse rate or if you have a sibling who believes my chemical romance's music is music.

the good: the premise.
the bad: unconvincing clumsiness.
the ugly: used-condom beach.
the verdict: 6 floorboard blackholes.

templeshooter.

AVERE VENT'ANNI by jaiskizzy

2008-06-20T19:10:00.002+08:00

the gist: two chicks who are "young, beautiful and pissed off" meet on a beach and team up to celebrate their youth, beauty and pissed-offness. they use their allure to their advantage, hitching rides, stealing food and staying in a commune apartment for free. sex, encyclopedia selling and quite a bit of silly dancing ensue.

im trying to brush up on my obscure film knowledge and set my sights on giallo movies. giallos are italian movies know for their sexual and violent content. in this infamous attempt by a guy named fernando di leo, you see these two half-naked women strutting their shit around and craving for a lay. the title translates to "being twenty" but i didnt actually bump into girls like them when i was twenty. i probably would have gassed up their tank if i did. anyways, there is however zero gore in this movie, unless you count the notorious ending. there's ample nudity and yet no actual humping. so there's really not much to enjoy here. unless inward nipples pop your banana.

still, it wasn't completely boring. the chicks seem natural and make you think that they're really just being their real selves. i prefer the silent but naughty blonde over the loud and slutty brunetter though. watching them twist heads around and get what they want is pretty entertaining. in the commune, they settle in a room occupied by a gayish crow wannabee who's always in meditation and speaks of leaving his body there and being with the celestial father. the girls nonchalantly do their carnal cavorting right in front of him. i also liked the scene where the brunette is seducing a professor to buy the encyclopedia by touching herself. she tells him hearing the word "culture" from him makes her horny and he just repeats it nonsensically.

the ending was supposed to be a big shocker after all these seemingly pointless shenanigans but i didnt find it that appalling. it's not bloody and the "deed" is done off screen. it involves a piece of wood. at this point though, the girls get to showcase their acting chops. and i was relieved that it was the ending because it was one of the worst actings i've ever seen. she was being assaulted by men but the blonde chick looked like she was swatting invisible bees. jeez.

the good: the uninhibited leads.
the bad: plotless, pointless, painless.
the ugly: needs a trim.
the verdict: 4 packs of marlboro for a blowjob.

old, ugly and very, very pissed off.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK by jaiskizzy

2008-06-14T15:05:00.002+08:00

the gist: after finally defeating tyler durden, the nameless guy who created fight club (which i should not be talking about) now faces a bigger split personality problem, literally: thanks to gamma radiation, when he gets angry, he becomes the un-jolly green giant known as the incredible hulk, which is on its way to become a synonym for "uh-oh". so, he searches every crook and nanny of the earth to find a cure so that he could finally bang his girlfriend. also, hot on his heels are his girlfriend's asshole dad and mr. orange, who shoots himself up with the jealousy juice and becomes mr. not-orange. will the mild-mannered bruce banner be able to put his inner beast to good use and win the girl in the end and say "hulk smooch!!!"?

i am pretty much the quintessential comic book geek but i wasn't really a big fan of the incredible hulk as much as i was of spider-man and superman. but i did catch media-jump snippets here and there of this jekyll-and-hyde story of superhero proportions, from the silly, stiff 2d cartoon where only the mouth moved most of the time (doc bruce banner... pelted by gamma rays, turned into the hulk) to the live-action tv series. and there was the ang lee shit of a movie that could have been good, with the comic-booky feel and jennifer connelly, except it was shitty. so when news broke out that the marvel studios was itching for a reboot with louis letterier at the helm and edward norton as his main man, i was like, okay, now we're talking. the director who directed transporter and the actor who kicked a guy's teeth into the curb? genius. i was sold.

the film does a nice way of being both a reboot and a sequel and not totally denying the first one's existence by putting the hulk's origin in the opening credits. we are then dropped smack right into banner's continuing struggle to stay, um...un-hulked, keeping his heart rate down, staying away from trouble and preventing his blood from making unofficial trips (stan lee cameo!) while trying to find a cure in brazil. his first hulk out scene was neato. the movie is set up nicely with downtimes, like the pretty sweet king kong-ish scene between hulk and betty, to prepare you for the pulse pumping action sequences. and if you're as much a geek as i am, pay close attention to just about every little detail and you'll see and hear something to make you tickled pink. or green, in this case. one is lou ferrigno, hulk from the tv series, who cameos as a school guard. he also voices the hulk here by the way (yes, hulk "talks" in the movie, have tissues in hand to wipe your crotch when that comes). the other is captain america. he's not in the movie, though. however, if you know your marvel, you'll know what i mean. the rest, like the sequel hint, you find out for yourselves.

and that's one of the great things about what marvel studios has done. they have actually brought the marvel universe to the silverscreen. only awesomeness can come of this endeavor. from nick fury's iron man appearance to the pre-end credit scene cameo of [spoiler], it's safe to assume that there'll be a day when you're watching a spider-man movie and wolverine arrives to give a helping claw. im sure dc's gearing up to do the same thing. batman vs. superman, anyone?

edward norton as dr. bruce banner should win an award for best casting choice. his voice, his face, his whole being is perfect for the good guy who hides a monstrous id and none's the wiser. plus, he's a better actor than the previous dude. yes, eric bana is a good actor but he's just not bruce banner to me. he's like green paint and a couple of bench presses away from being the hulk. also, mr. norton has always had a go at the scripts of his movies and the dude can definitely write. it only shows that he's not just some actor-for-hire who does what he's told and leaves with a thicker wallet. he immerses himself into the material to make it better for the audience. and then there is of course the amazing tim roth who was just as great as emil blonsky, who sees the hulk as nothing more than a challenge. badass.

good job, louis! i could hear ang lee whimpering in some corner. with a better screenplay, better execution and better cgi, this hulk is indeed incredible. marvel studios is on a roll, baby. cant wait for the captain america and avengers movies. excelsior!

the good: the days with incident, the tv series homage, the marvel universe continuity, edward norton
the bad: no captain america!
the ugly: liv "fatty" tyler.
the verdict: 8 sodas fortified with banner blood

bruised boner.

THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL by obi

2008-05-27T15:34:00.002+08:00

[spoilers]

The story is about two sisters who, motivated by their family's ambition, compete for the affection of King Henry VIII of the House of Tudor.

Mary Boleyn, younger of the two (at least in the film), becomes the King's choice despite her being married to a local commoner and the family's designs for her sister Anne Boleyn to be the pick. The drive roots from the Queen's inability to give King Henry a male heir which eventually leads him to seek for a concubine. Mary eventually gave birth to a male heir but by that time Anne, who didn't stop furthering her ambition to enamor the King, was already able to finally snatch the monarch's special attention. Henry VIII disclaimed his son to Mary and blindly sued for Anne's love.

Taking advantage of the situation, Anne plotted for herself to be the legitimate Queen of England which substantiated after compelling the King to do crazy stuffs (i.e. turning from the Catholic catechism and dethroning his own wife, Catherine of Aragon). However, all the comforts that came with it was short-lived as Anne Boleyn, after giving birth to a daughter, miscarried another daughter that triggered marital problems with the King similar to that of the former Queen Katherine's.

Complexities turned into more problems and even into incest which ultimately caused Anne Boleyn's death sentence. She's the mother of the last monarch of Tudor... Queen Elizabeth I (a female heiress, after all the King's quest to have a male successor).

The storyline, although patterned in this factual period in the House of Tudor, is a mishmash of historical inconsistencies added to give a cinematic appeal to the plot. I think, it produced the intended effect. Dramatic points in the movie are compelling and the script-works involved are done fairly well. I have something against the pacing as often it jumps over supposedly long periods of time without good transitionary scenes. It makes the film seem to be rushed, overshadowing the superb acting-job made by most of the casts.

Speaking of, Scarlett Johansson (Mary Boleyn) and Natalie Portman (Anne Boleyn) - sans my total crushness on her - did a terrific portrayal of their roles' supposed personalities. The innocently naive Mary and the ambitious headstrong Anne. Throughout the film, both actresses have been skillfully in character that you can feel what the roles should convey. Eric Bana (King Henry VIII) borders on mediocrity while Anna Torrent (Catherine of Aragon) performed strongly but lacks exposure. Another performance to take note is of the Boleyn son, George (Jim Sturgess - Jude in the Beatles film "Across the Universe"), whose supporting role produced a good chemistry with his sister Anne on the film.

The production is of no question. Great costumes, nice settings, and the overall quality of reliving the Tudor era of England is there. Excuses aside for the Victorian geeks who might have seen flaws on the accuracy of the sets.

In all, it's a great film to capture the heart. The ending seems a bit dragging but the meaning is there. It may not be of classic status nor as comparable to other movies built around the Tudor controversies but it sure is inspirational and moving to watch.

Seven out of ten.

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL by jaiskizzy

2008-05-24T17:19:00.000+08:00

the gist: the bullwhip-cracking, fedora-wearing, snake-fearing hero is back! it's been nineteen years since the last crusade, and an aged, wiser henry jones jr. puts his teaching career on hold once again for another thrill-filled treasure quest. with former flame marion ravenwood and her son, mutt, indy is after the crystal skull, a legend-laden artifact that supposedly is the key to unparalleled wealth and power. he must use his plan-as-he-go skills to prevent it from falling into the evil hands of the russians, led by irina spalko, and return it to its rightful place. adventure has a synonym and it's indiana jones!

not one sliver of shadow of doubt about it: this is an indiana jones movie. from the old-school paramount logo (nice touch btw) fading into a prairie dog mound to the sweet albeit starwars-ish ending, you can bet your fanboy ass this is an indiana jones movie. i sat there in the movie theater (dodging irksome sidecomments from morons) reduced to the little boy i was when i first saw raiders of the lost ark on betamax and watched with glee my childhood hero come to life again. the moment the hat was picked up and put on in a silhouette next to a star, i had supernova nostalgic orgasm. harrison ford has been han solo, rick deckard and jack ryan, but he will always be indiana jones to me. yes, the age shows on his face but, whip me sideways, the dude can still kick derrières. indy is just an entirely different persona complete with his own facial expressions, way of speaking and quirks and i cannot see anyone else being him. the pratfallings, i thought were a bit too much though. here is a guy who relies on quick-thinking and pure luck and then you see him topple a bike over. oh, well.

the indy movies are famous for their over-the-top, bite-your-collar action sequences and indy 4 delivers on that aspect. the warehouse scene and campus bike chase were great appetizers and the jungle chase, a sumptuous main course. also, in staying true to theme, (1 had snakes, 2 had insects, 3 had rats) the new "creepy-crawly" and no, it's not the scorpion that stings mutt. speaking of mutt, i think it aint no spoiler anymore to lay down the cards and say that he is indy's son, his mom, being marion ravenwood, indy's first true love. this marion's a far cry from the tequila-guzzling femme fatele in raiders, but you immediately see that after all those years, she and indy are meant for each other. the boyish smile on indy's face the first time he sees marion again and the girlie smile on marion face when indy answers her question about his other women were goshdarn cute. plus, nice nods to marcus brody and henry jones sr., btw. but where's sallah and short round!?

anyways, cate blanchett wasnt much of a villain. her whole performance fell way behind the single scene in raiders when toht faces a captive marion and reveals an apparatus that looks like he'll use to torture her but actually turns out to be a coat hanger. but man, this woman is gorgeous, even with the wig she borrowed from uma thurman. and then there's post-sam witwicky shia labeouf. what makes "the beef" good is that he does not strive to be boytoy cute. here, he's a wannabe tough guy who trembles in fear entering an old graveyard. i dont know about you guys but i bought the idea of him as thirdy. that exchange of "whoa" between indy and him is a one-syllable testament of their realization that they really are father and son. the final scene with that hat thing is definitely a sequel hint and i could imagine a last crusade-like sequel where mutt is in school but wants in on his dad's archaeological adventures, and through some riddle in the mail, a sick marion finds out indy's in trouble and mutt goes out to save him. yeah, that could work.

i love this film and it pains me to admit its flaws (but then again, that is what love is all about, i guess). david koepp's patchwork script of the piecemeal leftover ideas from previous indy 4 attempts was evident throughout the movie. it didnt gel together as much as any of the first three and changes tonally in every scene. i like the part that plays on indy's fear of snakes, but it felt like it was an squeezed-in scene. another qualm i have was the meh cinematography. whoever this janusz guy is, he needs to brush up on his kubrick before he can match the visual edge of the first three indy films. his camera work was ok, but nothing special or surprising. the cameo of the ark of the covenant (from raiders of the lost ark) was a quickie spectacle for me but it seemed forced. i like my easter eggs inconspicuous, thank you very much.

finally, steven spielberg is a wonderful director, but you could definitely notice from scenes that george lucas was breathing down his neck the whole time. this dude just wont give in. he bitched about the script for many years and im sure even when all the hands have shaken, he still bitched about a lot of his stupid notions. george lucas, you are nuts. enough with your sci-fi crap and do something else, will you? produce another howard the duck, i dont care. just do something else. haven't you learned from the star wars prequels? grow up, man!!!

to anyone who will hate the movie, dude, it's make-believe. do not over-analyze. and if you think the whole [spoiler] thing is far-fetched, isn't a biblical box of spirits or a cup that can heal wounds just as far-fetched? anyways, to me, indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull is a new soup with old ingredients mixed with a few new ones that tastes as good as before. yum-yum. im gonna watch it again!

the good: the action sequences, the nostalgia, the joneses.
the bad: george lucas's shit.
the ugly: the cgi monkeys from jumanji.
the verdict: 8 crystal skulls (what else?!).

indianero jai.

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL by obi

2008-05-23T16:38:00.001+08:00

[CAUTION: SPOILERS AHEAD]

Henry Jones Junior is back and with a greaser kid in tow!

After getting entangled with an organized Russian archaeological crime ring, Indiana Jones was forced back to adventure from a teaching profession as he search for the mystery of the stolen alien artifact (from Roswell). Along the way, he was reacquainted with his former ladylove, Marion Ravenwood, and later on learned that greaser junior, Mutt Williams, is his own kid from her. One happy family reunion! La la la...

This happened in Peru where they were able to find the Crystal Skull in the hands of the Russian archenemy Irina Spalko. The Crystal Skull turns out to be the actual cranium of the alien specimen and Irina believes that it can grant her unimaginable psychic powers. To ensure this, she has to find the Alien Temple with the help of a barely sane Professor Oxley and the Indy Jones motley crew.

In a daring escape, they were able to break away from the Russian band snatching the Crystal Skull itself. Jones searched for the temple to return the skull to its rightful owners. Irina and his gang however caught up with Indy inside the temple as his traitor friend, Mac, left homing devices on their trail. Later on, greed for power and wealth left Irina and Mac dead as the Crystal Skull was claimed by the alien entity that owns it. The whole temple was engulfed by water, the very stereotypical 80's flying saucer whisked away, and from an elevated refuge Indiana Jones, Marion Ravenwood, and their kid exchanged cheesy remarks that screams "KIDDO's THE NEXT INDIANA JONES on SEQUELS!".

Steven Spielberg. George Lucas. Harrison Ford (Han Solo). John Williams. These are people that I so look up to and are involved in this movie. But as much as I want to toss in an all-out kudos, the film has a healthy share of major boo-boos.

There were a LOT of cheesy scenes and exchanges between Indy and Marion were reminiscent of the classical Han Solo and Princess Leia word-duels. There are scenes that din't really help the flow of the film but just a lame attempt to spark a romantic/heroic feel. It's pretty comical or engaging sometimes, yes, but most of the time it's just outright uncalled-for.

Story's far worse BUT it could be forgiveable since, yeah, this movie has tons of impractical stunts and impossible feats but it's just being true to the earlier Indy films which have an overload of that too. What's with Indiana Jones surviving a nuclear explosion locked inside a fridge? *smiles* So keep those brains on your bags and enjoy the movie only for what it's worth. I heard the script was rushed (maybe, to catch up with an aging Ford? hehehe...) so y'know what to expect.

Casting is a bit of a downer too. Aside from Harrison Ford and Cate Blanchett (Irina Spalko), I find the rest of the cast lacking. Shia LaBeouf (Mutt Williams) already looks too off for the role of a young bruiser, how much more as Indy's kid. I dunno if they intended it that way but I'd rather see a more hard-edged depiction - tough kid for a tough dad (he looks more foolish to me). Karen Allen (Marion Ravenwood) was never convincing. I think she's trying hard (THIS hard) to create that "kilig" factor between her and Indy... to a point that it's just annoying already. Really. As I said earlier, Ford did a good job. But why not, he'll just have to portray an old character of an old role. This, I dig because the script readily accepted that Henry Jones Junior has aged and it verily manifests in the movie. I sooo like the American Diner brawl with matching "Shake, Rattle, and Roll" tune. It outright date-stamped the settings to the 50's.

The cinematography rocks. The musical score too. Spielberg wanted to capture the feel of the classical trilogy and he did a good job on this one. With how the movie was captured alone, you can't really tell that this has been done more than a decade(?) after the last Indiana Jones. It's as if it is still filmed during the 80's. The limiting of the use of computer-aided graphics also contributed for this effect.

To sum it up, the storyline made it a cheesy sci-fi B-movie and the production, no matter how cool, barely justified everything up.

AND I'm sorry to myself that it has to come from me. (I love Indy *sniffs*)

5 out of 10.

No... 5.5 out of 10.

SPEED RACER by jaiskizzy

2008-05-10T23:22:00.002+08:00

the gist: speed racer can't think of anything else but racing and his older brother, rex. tragedy strikes the family when rex dies in a race crash. speed then grows up to continue his brother's legacy and becomes the most sought-after driver in the land. he receives a very sybaritic offer from a powerful businessman named royalton but turns it down for his family's sake. realizing that the past races were fixed, speed revs the mach 5 up to victory and joins forces with the mysterious racer x to finally put on the breaks to the evil mogul's schemes.

even with the wachowski's cinematic aptitude, translating an anime series into a 2-hour live action movie is no fraction of pastry. book adaptation, although a burden in itself, is in a way easier because you only rely on the text and let the imagination soar. but for cartoons, you have to be able to siphon its essence and inject it into flesh without destroying it. the wachowskis have managed a nigh-perfect transition and the result is a frenetic display of screaming aesthetics no other directors haves ever attempted. from beginning to end, you are optically assaulted with colors and effects that do not fail to dazzle. the races are just epilepsy-inducing graffiti painted with a palette of skittles. there's fight scenes with anime-ish motion streaks, all with seamless multilayer wipe editing. and this is probably the first time ive seen a scrolling end credits with pulsating colors. speed racer is, put simply, a visual exercise in pushing the proverbial envelope.

that is, of course, expected of the film. but plotwise, it doesn't really have the same edge. no matter how perilous the tracks are or how brutal the racers are, you bet your ass that speed racer will win it. the dull story, however, is balanced out with humor, care of almost-annoying spritle and the great chimpanzee chim-chim, and heart, that if you could stay awake through the lengthy conversations, which i guess were inserted as breather scenes from all that racing razzmatazz, you'd figure out why this is marketed as a family movie. other than that, contain your nitpicking nerves for a while and just enjoy the show. the trick is to shake off your academy award druthers and allow it to take you for a spin.

speed racer could have been anyone who had the boy-toy looks since it's kind of a no-brainer role. be cute, have angst, drive fiercely. emile hirsch did okay but he didnt really own that role as much as tobey maguire did peter parker. but it was great to see him in the blue-shirt and red bandanna outfit. it would have been nice if they made racer x even cooler and not seem like just some x-men reject. matthew fox looked kinda lost (pun not intended. really). rain (hate that name) looked cool kickin ass in his white racesuit with dragon print and scary in girl's clothing. and the 'stached john goodman in red shirt and blue jumper looked like super mario. surprised to see seibei samurai, btw, even though he was underused. but if there was one cast member who made this live-action anime movie a darn live-action anime movie it was none other than christina ricci. she's never been this cute since wednesday. she is so cute that if a carebear and a kitten mated, their offspring would cuddle a christina ricci doll in its sleep. also, kudos to the monkey, who looked great in a suit.

finish line: after their directorial hiatus, the wachowskis have returned and machined a vibrant kaleidoscopic movie fueled with the ebullience of anime. it aint no blockbuster breakthrough like the matrix but it sure was one good acid-trip ride.

the good: the visuals, the family values, the monkey!
the bad: prolonged talky scenes, mediocre villain
the ugly: henchman whose finger became piranha dinner
the verdict: 7 chim-chim "cookies"

speed raper.

IRONMAN by jaiskizzy

2008-05-03T16:18:00.000+08:00

the gist: in this film adaptation of the marvel comic book series, robert downey, jr. stars as tony stark, an alcoholic, philanderous wealthy industrialist who is kidnapped by terrorists after introducing his latest missile design, the jericho, and coerced to develop the destructive weapon for their nefarious plans. but stark instead creates a hi-tech armor suit, which he uses to escape. stark returns home to start a new lease in life and repair the damage that his weapons, in the wrong hands, have caused. and so, he dons an upgraded version of his combat cataphract and becomes the heavy metal superhero iron man! black sabbath song commence in full volume!

raise your hand if you've seen the movie. i think we could all agree that it is goddarn good. comic book fan or not. as the first comic book film handled by its mother company, marvel studios, iron man is a testament of respecting the source material. they made the necessary changes but held their brainchild close. the end result: a smooth as chrome origin story greased with just the right amount of action. jon favreau should start a special class on from-comicbook-to-movie 101.

who is jon favreau? he directed elf with will ferrell and zathura, the quasi-sequel to jumanji. he's foggy nelson in daredevil, the guy who couldn't shoot the basketball in the office. yes that guy. no offense to him, but it's just weird that that same plump goof made this masterpiece that is at par with steven spielberg blockbuster levels. i mean, you have bryan singer who directed the usual suspects and the first two x-men movies and then makes the supercrap superman returns. it wasnt that bad but obviously we'd expect more from him. switcheroo, and you have jon favreau who is not necessarily an underdog but i really had no idea that he had the craftsmanship to make iron man as great as it is, so much that it's being heralded as one of the greatest comic book movies ever. busloads of bravos to you, mr. favreau.

speaking of bravos, an even longer queue of buses to robert downey jr. that's perfect casting right there. not only does he have the alcoholic background in real life, but he fit the likable asshole persona snug tight. even when he had his "change of heart" he still had remnants of his careless bastard attitude in there, as proof that no one really changes overnight. different car, same driver. the rest of the cast did just as well, especially the dude himself playing obadiah stane, but clearly this was a one-man (or one-ironman) show. im pretty sure even the great al pacino would be dodging downey jr.'s snappy tongue, which btw is mostly improv. also, the cg-fucking-i is a-fucking-mazing. you just couldn't tell which is cgi and which isn't. the dudes at ilm really did their homework here.

a movie this great definitely calls for a sequel. im pretty sure they have the blueprint laid out already, what with those "hints". oh and if you are a comic book geek, stay after the end credits have rolled, okay?

the good: acting, cgi, the flow of the story, everything except...
the bad: the lack of a recognizable theme music.
the ugly: the terrorists, of course.
the verdict: 9 sonic paralysis gizmos.

ironicman

TAXI DRIVER by angel

2008-04-23T08:37:00.000+08:00

Don “Skizzo Four-Eyes” Corleone introduced me to this blog to make a review about Old Boy but I don’t know how to construct the right words in that sick, mind-blowing, wickedly vengeful film. I need to mellow out from the old ultra-violence for my insomnia attack.

I think I am supposed to be sleeping at this time. But to be honest, I can’t really sleep, I’ve been insomniac for weeks now I don't know what it is I feel. I can't help but feel like some people don't care. I can't help but feel like I've put too much out, and now I can't get it back. I can't even visit memories anymore, because I can't regain the feelings I had. And because I can't figure out where to put my raging thoughts, I think more. And as I think more, I have more thoughts to place. So I keep piling them up, and I know that there's no cure for it.

The film “Taxi Driver” suddenly popped, since it’s my favorite Mr. Sandman-bring-me-a-dream flick, I thought I could give Mr. Four-Eyes Corleone’s invitation to be part of his movie mafia. My apologies for my incoherently erroneous construction of sentences and swearing my dear brothers and sisters so here it goes…

Taxi Driver was portrayed by Robert De Niro as Travis Bickle, a young man that is trying to be an anti-hero in his fucking neighborhood or his so called city to be living in. He’s a lonely Vietnam vet insomniac wanderer who is trying to find meaning in his life by trying to assassinate a presidential candidate and by attempting to rescue a teenage prostitute from the mean streets of New York, and trying to free this burnt out hole using violence. I’m talking about insanity without the draw back, It’s about this lonely desperate man who can’t fucking sleep and giving all the best he could by trying to court a beautiful girl named “Betsy” played by Cybill Shepherd.

I’ve seen all types of film from gore to sick but this one gives me the creeps. By the time I reach the fucking climax of this fucking movie, it gives me this sort of a butterfly effect on me fucking stomach. But the one that really bugs me is the time that Travis took Betsy in a fucking movie theater, wherein they actually played a series of this fucking triple X movie in front of the servile scums.

By the time Travis went on in an extended shoot out in a fucking apartment building to rescue Iris was exciting as hell can get. This is the time were in all hell breaks loose. The fucking musical score was awesome. Scorsese tried to manipulate the viewers mind by projecting the movie through it’s astonishing soundtrack that portrays the gritty streets of New York. The strongest moments of this film occur during De Niro's disturbing "You talkin' to me?" monologue, the malicious beating of a robber's corpse by a victimized store owner and Iris's sexually frank business routine displayed during Travis' paid visit to her carnal abode which Harvey Keitel keeps himself satisfied and full. Brutal and insane director Martin Scorsese's homicidally impulsed husband is a racially vulgar gem that epitomizes the insanity of this film, as does Travis' punk hair-do which represents his further disintegration into deluded insanity. But throughout out the film, De Niro act as if he is too drunk to act or he is just acting as himself. I also think that he’s a real badass hottie but not in a flashy kind of way though, and brings the silly fan girl in me *drools*

Ironically and tragically, Travis' assassination attempt on the Presidential candidate in this film inspired the shooting of President Ronald Reagan in 1981. The shooting was done by John Hinckley, in an attempt to impress Jodie Foster. All-in-all, this movie was the near best masterpiece of a brilliant and awesome director Martin Scorsese, and wouldn’t be made without the blistering performance of Robert De Niro and the rest of the cast, especially Jodie Foster who perfectly personified this teenage bitch in a pristine, unadulterated act. That’s all folks, I hope you liked it.

The Verdict: 9 pillows, a blanket and a dose of Valium

THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM by obi

2008-04-22T07:21:00.000+08:00

[CAUTION: SPOILERS!]

A young kid, Jason, kung-fu fan and Chinese film geek, stumbles upon an antique metal staff that transports him back to ancient China. Later on, as he met the Drunken Master (Jacky Chan), he'll be aware of his destiny to return the relic to its rightful owner - the Monkey King (Jet Li) - which is in NO way easy as the grumpy Jade Warlord and his gazillion-strength Jade honchos together with his chick lieutenant (who has hairs like X-Men's Storm's crossed with Rapunsel's) will stop at none (except a good bargain bazaar in Binondo, maybe) to snatch the metal staff and destroy it for good. It's doubly hard for our hero too since the Jade Warlord's lair itself housed the legendary Monkey King who has been turned into a stone statue.

Ala "Fellowship of the Ring", the duo happens along the avenging cutey "marry-Obi-ten-times-please" Golden Sparrow (Liu Yi Fei) and the Silent Monk (Jet Li, again) who share the same objectives with them... to kill the Jade Emperor and return the mystic staff to the Monkey King, respectively. The foursome journey towards the Jade Warlord's fortress and exhibited kung-fu prowess along the way as Jade minions after Jade minions sought for their heads. Jason also started his kung-fu training along their quest and started hitting on Golden Sparrow too (he sucks though... i mean, c'mon man... between him, an aging drunk, and a weird probably-celibate monk, how could he NOT make good progress on the pretty chinky chick. Tsk tsk... kelangan magpaturo neto kay Gerald Anderson!).

To make things short, they made their way to the Jade Fortress where a HUGE brawl happened typical kung-fu flick's many-is-to-one style, and awaken the Monkey King. The Jade Warlord died on the melee and so is Golden Sparrow (leaving Jason still score-less... HAHA... loser). Order was restored in the Kingdom and Jason was returned home.

As a film epilogue of sorts, back at the modern time, Jason meets a Golden Sparrow incarnation (I say, she's still prettier in Chinese garb). Maybe that's his chance to blow it up again.

To sum up the whole film in general, it's an Americanized old kung-fu movie. "Old kung-fu movie" in that apparently it's reminiscent of that time when Chinese martial arts movies hit international attention with the claim to fame of the likes of Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee and Ramon Zamora (?? hehe). "Americanized" in that Chinese influences on the film has been dampened by Western humour and story development.

The plot's a no-brainer. Everything's made up as soon as Jason was transported back in time. No surprising twists, not even a subplot (unless you consider Jason's L-A-M-E attempt to create a love story with Golden Sparrow). But... BUT, still I'll have to admit I much enjoyed the movie (staring at Golden Sparrow aside).

The stunts are good (the "wire-works" are flawless). The fight scenes awesome! The cinematography... breathtaking. The humour... fun!

Jacky Chan and Jet Li are still good with their craft. Their kung-fu is nowhere as swift as during their younger years but their fight choreography are still impressive to watch, especially with Jacky Chan donning his "drunken fist" technique again. Jacky Chan versus Jet Li, nuff said. This is history, man!

I can't see much antagonism on the Jade Warlord's acting, same with his female lieutenant, but when I started remembering back what I can recall of the old kung-fu flicks I've watched when I was a kid, I realized you can't really hate most of their antagonists because of sheer ominousness. They simply lack the aura that will make you say "I soooo hate this guy" as soon as you see them. Lame acting goes to Jason. Mediocre acting goes to Miss Sparrow (whose role I don't really think necessary aside from having a pretty-face on board). Kudos to Jacky and Jet too for taking on two different roles.

Another thing to watch out is the Chinese-speaking characters' English dialogues. It threw me off in confusion in some scenes before I got a grip on what they meant but if you've watched a couple of Jacky Chan films before, you should already know what I'm saying.

Aside from two pretty chinky chicks (White-Haired Lieutenant versus Golden Sparrow) fighting over MY attention, this movie has lots of other fantasy lore to offer with a mix of humour and kung-fu to boot. If not for those, just watch it because of the Jet-Jacky tandem!

Nine chinky gulamans, for crying out loud!

(from jaiskizzy: dude, it's jackie not jacky. dont ask for my help when he kicks your ass. hehe)

I'M A CYBORG, BUT THAT'S OK by moira

2008-04-22T00:07:00.000+08:00

Another progeny of Chan-Wook Park’s brilliance.

Only cuter.
In a demented way.

Intrinsically different from his earlier efforts particularly his revenge trilogy. “I'm A Cyborg But That's OK” renders a rather charming and disturbing air. Young-goon, who was played gracefully by Su-jeong Lim (A Tale of Two Sisters, Sad Movie) is admitted to a local asylum after she owned up to her mother that she’s a cyborg. While assembling a radio, she slashed her wrists one fine day at the factory, taped it together with a nude electric wire and plugged the cord in. Hence, a cute little mad cyborg.

She won’t eat since she thinks she’ll break and to live she charges herself a transistor radio. Il-soon, played by Rain. Yes, the pop icon is one of the looney lot who plays mean ping-pong and likes to scratch his arse a lot. Abandoned by his mother, who took all the electronic toothbrushes with her, Il-soon became obsess with his teeth, clever, custom-built face masks and in stealing people’s things, including their souls.

When Young-goon refuses to eat real food apart from alkaline batteries and became very week, Il-soon realized his fate as her aid. Out of his genius, he created Rice Megatron – a device that will turn food, rice and precious radishes into energy so Young-goon can eat like a “real” human. I say, ok.

Adored every aspect of this rather peculiar film. Asylums, hospital gowns, shock therapies, massacred doctors and nurses and lots of crazy people up and about. It is how I like a love story to be: Disturbed and charmingly witty.

OLDBOY by moira

2008-04-19T06:37:00.000+08:00

[CAUTION: SPOILERS]

The movie begins with Oh Dae-su’s tight clutch to the tie of this man who’s about to jump off a skyscraper while holding a dog. Oh Dae-su introduced himself and the frame then relapsed15 years back. “Classic.”, I thought to myself.

Behold. You’ll see the not-so-cool Oh Dae-su, with a bleeding nose, utterly drunk and acting superbly stupid, while thrashing at a local police station. After he pissed everybody off, he was bailed out and was abducted and locked away from everything he once knew, leaving only a violet umbrella with a distinctive and ornate design as an insinuation of who his abductor was.

Why?

Was the teeming question in my head and so as Oh Dae-su’s as he was slitting his wrists, writing the names of the people he fought with, bothered and hurt – and while masturbating to a girl on TV who isn’t “fleshly” nor “sexual” to masturbate to. The rest of his time, he devoted to his “imaginary training” to equip himself for his opportune revenge - which, by the way, a 15-year wait.

He woke up inside a suitcase at the same building top where the movie began. Saw the first human being apart from the guy who delivers his meals, so pardon the weirdness. This guy, by the way, was the guy who’s about to jump off a skyscraper while holding a dog. He jumped eventually.

But I remember him say this before he took his last flight out: “Mister, Even though I’m no worse than a beast, don’t I have the right to live?” I was stirred by this for some inane reason.

Oh Dae-su, now looking quite rad walked the streets in flames, at least only on the inside. He met this girl named Mido at a local sushi restaurant where he ate live squid or something with tentacles. This was also the occurrence where he first spoke to his captor. Oh Dae-su passed out afterwards.

He wound up at Mido’s place. From here, his rummage around for his tormentor began. With the help of Mido, this peculiar girl who cries over nothing, they began to trace the crumbs which led them to this guy who looks like a typical Koreanovela dude, Lee Woojin. Certainly, before they did, there were violence, teeth torture, gang brawls, hypnotism, deceit, sex, bondage, incest and lots of valium gases. Lee Woojin has been “kind” enough to leave them hints wrapped in the same violet and ornate packaging as the design of the umbrella. They looked into all possible searches for whatever may be the cause of Oh Dae-su’s ordeal. He was given 5 days to figure the puzzle out. 5 days to untangle a 15-year old wrath. Wow.

“Be it a grain of sand or rock, in water they sink as the same.”

A sin is a sin no matter how small it is. If you’re nosy back in high school and you like to talk about other people’s business a lot, like telling one of the Evergreen Oldboys that you saw Lee Woojin and her sister, Soo Ah sucking faces and bosoms in the Chemistry lab resulting to the girl’s untimely death by freefalling off a bridge after she learned that she's bearing both her daughter and niece, then you need to rethink your life over.

SPOILER STARTS HERE:
Stop reading if you must. You’ve been warned.

It might cost you your freedom for 15 incessant years and a big bulk of your sanity. It could also lead you to fucking your own daughter in the process, which of course, you won’t know until it’s been revealed to you by the tormentor, you’ve wronged. How? By locking you up for a decade and a half with only a television as your window to the universe, by pointing you as the murderer of your own wife, by putting you under relentless hypnosis and by making you believe that you’re the one who’s fixing on vengeance when in truth, it’s the other way around.

I didn’t just tell you that.

I drew one, too many hypothesis as to what the film is about. I even reckoned that the entire occurrence were just fragments of Oh Dae-su’s mind and was illusory since a rather familiar pattern was omnipotent in the entire set up: The ornate design of the violet umbrella, the walls, the clue containers, etc. In the end, I just thought the ornate designs were intended to make the hypnosis work.

Anyway, what happens after vengeance has been realized? Well, two things: The person taking on revenge would either live or rest in peace. In this case, Lee Woojin shot himself in the temples with such great execution and authenticity, you’d almost think it’s real. Suicide’s the ultimate “fuck you”, really - and I just quoted a line from Gingersnaps.

As for Oh Dae-su, I’d say he died too. In a profound way.

I don’t even have to stress out that the movie was superbly structured and carefully plotted like how a revenge movie should be. The cast played their respective roles gracefully as if they’re the characters themselves, particularly Choi Min-sik, who was both disarming and compelling as Oh Dae-su. Cinematography’s splendid as well. I can make out superlative stills from screen pauses anytime.

The best dish served though was the spectacular twist in the end. There were two actually. Else, I was dumbfounded by the fact that Oh Dae-su means “Getting along with people”. It didn’t happen. Lastly,

“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone.”

(don skizzo's note: a better review than mine, even with the spoilers. i still call dibs on owning oldboy. and i dont mean just the dvd. see you in la fin absolue du monde, moira)

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN by jaiskizzy

2008-04-11T04:41:00.000+08:00

gist: that doctor dude in planet terror who injected his hot wife's hands with anesthesia goes hunting for deer in the desert and happens upon the aftermath of a fucked-up drug deal. he finds a suitcase filled with money and finders-keepers it. hot on his heels is this creepy guy with a haircut that looks like it was done by a retarded barber, who is probably dead because this creepy guy has "killing people" under interests in his friendster profile. hot on this guy's heels is two-face from batman forever except that he doesn't have two faces this time so he's just one-face now. also, he doesn't do the coin flip thing, the creepy bad haircut guy does it.

the reaction: if you haven't seen the big lebowski, then you should 'cause you've missed out a bit. (i know i have, because i havent seen enough coen bros. movies. anyone got fargo?). it's one of my favorite movies and not just because of jesus quintana and tara reid offering a blowjob for 1 gs. anyways, so the story for no country for old men is not about deported geezers but basically revolves around three dudes chasing each other, the centerpiece being bad haircut guy who is like a robot built for killing (like the terminator, but minus one-liners), a calm, emotionless murderer who whacks his targets without double thoughts, remorse or care. he's like, "hmm, i think i'll kill this man." bam! man's dead. this dude is so badass, he could probably eat a running chainsaw and shit steak knives. his weapon of choice, though, is this cattle gun, a tank of compressed air on one end and a thing that can punch holes on people's heads and unlock doors on the other. if you ever see your doorknob suddenly flying across the room, run.

great acting from javier bardem (bad haircut guy). i cant imagine anyone else filling the role. he instantly soared high on my list of favorite movie villains. and i dont think anybody in hollywood can sport a haircut like that and still look mean. tommy lee jones was kinda meh, but still okay, echoing a bit his role in the fugitive. moss, a.k.a. josh brolin, good actor as well. in complete contrast to his menacing role in that grindhouse half, here, i was actually rooting for him and wanted him to escape bad haircut guy's clutches. i know bad haircut is a professional killer, but if he ever failed on a hit, i wanted it to be moss.

great direction though by the coens. the movie had just the right tension that you cant wait to see what would happen next. it wasn't too talky, which is good. my favorite scenes are the coin toss scene in the store with the old man (suspensefuller than recent horror films) and how bad haircut guy steals medical supplies from a pharmacy. he's like the macgyver of murderers, man. nice touch also with the absence of a music score, except for a couple of parts, but even then they were so subtle. i just didnt like how the story ended like that. we followed moss, bad haircut guy and tommy lee jones like stalkers all throughout the movie so much and then all of a sudden, an event happens but we only get to see the aftermath and the movie is done. ftw? still, i'd choose that ending over pinoy movie song-and-dance-in-the-beach endings any day.

all in all, no country for old men deserved the oscar win. hats off to the coens...except i dont wear a hat. glasses off then.

the good: story, pacing, villain.
the bad: a "huh?" ending.
the ugly: that fuckin haircut.
the verdict: 8 cattle guns.

your friendo, skizzo.

SEX AND DEATH 101 by jaiskizzy

2008-04-10T08:32:00.000+08:00

the gist: an engaged dude's smooth life goes bumpy (or perfect, depending on perspective) when he receives an email containing a list of names of the women he'd had sex with in the past. but the list does not end with the name of his fiancee. there's even more names below it and soon he realizes that the rest are the ones he will screw in the future. how cool is that? of course, he does what any real man would do: call off the wedding and follow the list. meanwhile, a mysterious woman dubbed "death knell", played exquisitely by winona ryder (where have you been?), is going around town "killing" guys who have committed sex crimes. and so i ask, will this femme fatale and that fortuned fornicator find each other? but more importantly, where can i get my list?! come on!

the reaction: do you guys know the death clock? you know, the website where you do some inputs and it tells you the exact day you would supposedly die? if it's true, then mine's soon. it's still years away, but still pretty close. i oughta be doing some out of the country travels by now. anyways, i guess that's what the message of this movie is. what would you do with such knowledge? is it a gift or a curse? that polarity is well played in 101 as in one point, our horny hero has surrendered to his fate of fucking and then in another, buries the list in the ground to take back control of his life. and then there's the part where he's not through with the list, but he meets the woman he considers "the one". behind all of this is the oracle, the machine that sent the email, and the three men who run it, alpha, beta and fred. the oracle probably represents god who has given out predefined lives and the trio is the main character's conscience, although fred's the only one excited about what the list simply is for: sex with a lot of women. well, that's how i see it.

hmm. speaking of seeing, did you see good luck chuck? man, that movie sucked shitballs. despite having slightly similar premises (guy does a lot of girls), 101 beats chuck by acres. the only things good about chuck were jessica alba and the ridiculous amount of women that bared their bodies and bounced uglies with that lucky bastard dane cook. 101 doesnt have both. yes, there's some nudity but in a quantity too modest for a sex-oriented film. nice-assed natassia malthe covered her chest. there's even clothed sex. i guess the budget didnt suffice for more undressing. so cheers for sophie monk and the rest of the uninhibited ingenues for displaying the goods for the sake of perversion.

of course, 101 won't stand erect and mighty if not for the exceptional efforts of simon baker as the libidinous leading/ladies man. dont know who he is but when i watched the movie he kinda seemed familiar. after a quick trip to imdb, i found out that he was the guy in scorsese's hitchcock homage, the key to reserva. comparing the two entirely unalike roles, this dude's pretty good. and what about the actress named winona? she's terrific as death knell. she's hot and weird and silly and cute all at the same time. ive never seen her with so much cleavage. she really needs to resurface into mainstream and bring that with her. anyways, the one remember most in the movie is the guy who played fred. he's got great lines. he's like the guy at work or in school who always says something funny to break the tension and you're left with wishing you had said it. which is why i wonder how he landed that oracle job.

still cant point a phalange on what genre this film belongs. drama? nah. rom-com? probably. feel-good? yes. dark comedy? definitely. whatever, man. watching this is like hooking up with a nice girl you barely know, talking with her about the physics of life and then having slow, passionate sex afterwards. she may not be the best girl around but you sure had a great time with her.

the good: the story/script and the t&a.
the bad: the killjoys.
the ugly: the real cynthia rose.
the verdict: 7 names of women im gonna have sex with.

the one-winged angel of death (and sex).

SHUTTER (the remake) by jaiskizzy

2008-04-05T05:21:00.000+08:00

the gist: the exceptional thai horror movie that starred piolo pascual is mangled to shitty bits in this unnecessary hollywood remake. a professional photographer goes to tokyo with his new wife for a job and after a mysterious car accident, they are haunted through pictures by a ghost from the past... oh, hell. fuck this shit!

allow me this one first: stop the asian horror movie remakes! seriously, stop it! filmmaker dudes, do not sell the rights to your masterpieces! do not be blinded by money! it's a trap! they'll turn it into crap! it's a crap trap!

this absolute piece of rotten animal feces is proof that nothing good comes out of hollywoodizing asian cinema. it just doesnt translate right. what they should do instead is bring the original film to their shores so that viewers can enjoy the film in its unadulterated form. here in shutter, they not only had complete disregard for the original, they even disrespected it by turning the thai film into a japanese one. that's just wrong. i dont care if the director is japanese and every crew member is japanese. they should have just made the whole thing in america. but even that wouldn't solve the film's big issue: it's a remake.

from frame one, anyone who has seen the original will surely see how it was destroyed. the leads are newlyweds and the vengeful ghost appears in pictures taken while they were having sex on the floor. the girl, that chick from transformers who isn't megan fox, later realizes that the ghost wasn't trying to scare her but was warning her from spending her life with an evil-secret-carrying husband. barfcakes. shouldn't she be warned before she actually marries the guy? then there's the entirely new location change of where the bad deed took place. the school is now an office and... wait, um, in the pictures with the models, the ghost gives clues by putting white streaks on a particular floor in the building in the background, which happens to be the office of the photographer's friend. but, the actual rape happens somewhere else. which makes no sense at all. and the ending is just horrible.

i could point out more shit but im starting to smell so i'd just end this review with an ellipsis...

the good: the chick from transformers (who isn't megan fox) taking off her top but it probably was a body double.
the bad: the acting, the changes, the non-scares, everything. gimme my money back!
the ugly: killing the ghost by flash bulb burning. uh, what?
the verdict: 1 long tongue french kiss.

shitter.

ONCE by jaiskizzy

2008-04-04T03:18:00.002+08:00

the gist: a struggling musician takes his acoustic heartaches to the streets for a few bucks and meets a cute czech chick who has as much passion for music as he does. he plays the guitar, she, the piano and they immediately glue together, igniting the needed spark to each of their stagnant lives. from a magical music shop moment to a wondrous recording studio session, the nameless songsmiths find themselves in the dilemma of starting anew or patching things up with their pasts. will this love song of a movie end with them in a duet or doing solos? can i do this review without musical puns?

the reaction: ive been asked a lot of times if i play the guitar and i wonder, do i really carry a rockstar demeanor to cause that question? but i do wish i play the guitar sometimes. however, i dont, can't and probably won't for the rest of this life. i play the drums though. poorly. anyways, after watching this movie once (title, not number) i completely gave that wish up. because even if i did start learning to play now, i do not possess a singing voice that came close to half the power of glen's (the guy who plays...the guy in the film). dude sings with a lot of heart, and i really mean a lot. every song he sings, he sings with raw emotion, as if he's not actually singing and just telling you how he feels exactly and it just happened to have rhymes and a tune. given that he's a real musician, frontman of a band called the frames, and it was him who actually wrote the songs in real life and as portrayed in the film, but man, you could really see how much pain he endured and used to create the songs. when he starts screaming in "say it to me now" in the street, i didn't think he was crazy as i would if i saw someone do that in real life. but that's the thing: nobody's ever seen a real sidewalk singer perform like that. i think i'd be more likely to throw my money in if there was one. (i actually flicked a 20-peso bill at glen but it just bounced off the tv screen).

and there's, marketa, the cute czech chick i mentioned awhile ago. she doesnt have a name in the movie as well, but let's call her marketa so i wouldn't run out of synonyms for "girl". it was a great idea, by the way, to keep the characters unnamed, that they could be anyone, you, your friend, your friend's friend who cheated on your friend's girlfriend. anyways, like glen, marketa is also a real-life musician. her voice is sweet and she plays the piano without camera-angle cheats. again, you feel her love for music that when the two of them play and sing together for the first time, you will get goosebumps as i did. that was a great scene. a perfect (pitch perfect? tee-hee) translation of those jam sessions i used to have with my best friend luigi, even the ones over beer, with the "you do this, i do that" beginning and just melded together as you went along. what makes the scene work, i think, is the fact they're real people doing something they actually do in real life and not something they rehearsed over and over. it was like, the director just said, okay, you two do your thing and i'll just film it.

but that's where the only problem i have about the film comes in. they're non-actors. and when they do try to act, it slightly seems fake. cant blame them though but i guess the director could have tried something to bring over the realism of the scenes where the two leads where just being their real selves. oh and by the way, this is a love story, but more on the love for music and not too much on the love between glen and marketa. their musical "affair" serves as a mere buffer episode, like an rpg sidequest, so don't scratch your heads over the lack of actual contact or the ending. you're looking for the movie where, just by the halfway mark, the female lead has already cheated on her husband with a guy she barely knows. this aint it.

dont watch this movie if you are one of those people who feel like they dont have any talents because you'd probably hate your parents and wish you had one to be just as passionate on. a "modern-day musical" but not quite, i highly recommend this one with what little credibility i have. okay. im gonna go bang on my drums for a while...

the good: the songs, the shots, the realism
the bad: when the non-actors act
the ugly: the holes on the guy's guitar
the verdict: 9 vacuum cleaners

he who cannot sing.

HORTON HEARS A WHO! by jaiskizzy

2008-03-29T13:09:00.000+08:00

the gist: jim carrey voices horton, a fanciful elephant who hears a voice from a speck only he could hear. he immediately believes that tiny people exist in the speck and starts carrying it around nestled on a flower, much to the chagrin of a kangaroo who thinks horton is poisoning the minds of children with his delusions. meanwhile, the mayor of whoville (steve carrell) notices odd happenings in his town and soon learns that whoville is the speck that horton has which, of course, the whovillians think is bulldung. with the fate of whoville upon his trunk, horton braves the nool jungle to put the speck in a place safe from harm. will horton accomplish his mission? will the non-believers find enlightenment? will jim carrey ever talk out of his ass again? ace ventura 3 please!!!

the reaction: the first time i came across dr. seuss's horton the elephant was in a looney tunes cartoon where horton is bamboozled by a bird into sitting on her egg while she goes on a vacation or something. horton, who meant what he said and said what he meant, climbs on the tree and stays with the egg until it hatches (in a cute little twist ending) because an elephant's faithful 100 percent. i could still remember the fish that shot itself. any-who, this movie is a ginormous step from that 2d short, a 72-page book inflated to a full-length film. it's as good as kiddie cgi movies can go, with the humor, the movements, the moral lesson(s) fit for the little ones, but you may find something to ponder about in it if you pay enough attention. i mean, the existence of an imaginary being speaking from the heavens who has the whole world under his care will surely have the religious roaring with their rosaries. heck, even the line "a person is a person no matter how small" pulled pro-life activists out of their abodes and had them picketing the theaters with their anti-abortion clamor. but that's taking the fun out of watching horton prance around, holding a flower. and saying that the previous sentence meant horton is gay.

now, since i had a non-dr. seuss childhood, i really dont know what elements from the book made it to the movie and was given justice, except maybe the elephant, whoville, and the rhymes. the obligatory villain comes in the form of a kangaroo that pouch-schools her son and wants to be in control of everything. her evilness worked, at least not too much to scare the kid viewers, which is why it was pretty hard to digest the fact that she turned face quite easily. in whoville, the villains are a team of grinch-lookalikes who have the same agenda of disregarding anything that would cause change (kinda like what's happening in our country now, dont you think?). anyways, there are a bunch of other characters worth noting like the speedy blue creature morton, which is like horton's conscience, and jojo, whoville mayor's emo son, who was my favorite character up until the ending where he [anti-spoiler] the [anti-spoiler] by [anti-spoiler] so that [anti-spoiler] them. and then there's this weird cute yellow...uh, thing named katie who, along with the others' imaginary speck-worlds, says "in my world everyone is a pony, and they all eat rainbows, and poop butterflies." now that is some crazy shit.

speaking of shit, voices, yes, jim carrey owned horton. at first, before seeing the film, i couldn't really imagine him as an elephant so i surmised he'd play around with his voice to match, but his real voice worked just fine. it is jim carrey, however, so he still got to play around with his voice in some parts. steve carrell did pretty well as well as the mayor. that's about all i can distinguish because i couldnt quite recognize everybody else. props to will arnett for voicing vlad the vulture (or bald eagle, not sure). i made guesses that maybe it was jim carrey as well and at some points, antonio banderas. i had no idea who it was 'til i saw the credits.

the animation is nothing short of impressive, which isnt saying much because there's really nothing new cgi-wise introduced here. except for the water, the cg is seamless, especially horton's movements which made it seem like jim carrey had a motion capture suit on the whole time. there are a couple of non-3d scenes in there, one resembling dr. seuss illustrations, the other, hilariously anime-inspired, both of which represent horton's imaginings. imho, it would have been better if a third one was squeezed in there, maybe stop-motion, just to play more on horton's wild mind and not come off as plain fillers which im sure a good number of whiners will point out as. more jim carrey: i dont know if anyone else noticed this but this film had some pretty obvious jim carrey references. exhibit a: when the mayor talks about their genealogy to his son, he inhales a big breath of air to speak nonstop, which is like the videoke scene in cable guy. exhibit b: when the mayor is about to have his root canal, the anesthesia is accidentally injected on his arm, which then becomes limp, definitely from ace ventura: when nature calls.

best viewed with some kids in tow, horton hears a who! is a nice little cgi movie replete with nice little laughs. whether the philosophical jabs were intended by dr. seuss or not, try to keep the debate ammo at bay and just enjoy the film as it is. i mean, fudge, it's a talking elephant for chrissakes.

the good: animation, story, voicing, humor
the bad: "can't fight this feeling anymore"
the ugly: not-the-bunny-with-cookies vlad
the verdict: 7 banana cigars

skizzy is hateful 100%
or
skizzy hears a boo!

THE SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES by obi

2008-03-29T04:55:00.000+08:00

[CAUTION: SPOILERS]
The story revolves around the Grace family, who move away from the city to live on a ragtag countryside mansion owned by their grandaunt Lucinda. Early on the movie, strange things happen inside the house that eventually lead to the discovery of a coexisting fantastical "dimension" of goblins, sprites, and fairytale beings. All of which are detailed on a collection of journals written by their great-grand uncle Arthur Spiderwick. This same tome is being coveted by an evil ogre, Mulgarath, for it contains information that can give him powers unimaginable... wait... UNIMAGINABLE!!!

Yan.

Kiddie fantasy adventure plot follows which eventually leads to Mulgarath's defeat and Aunt Lucinda reunited with her lost father, Arthur. A stereotypical fairytale ending.

I have to admit I enjoyed the fantasy ride. The comic reliefs has been well-placed into the story when things get serious. The storyline is quite predictable in that on most parts of the plot, it's a no brainer to know what is going to happen next. BUT... big BUT... I have to mention (and the only scene on the film that caught me off guard) the part where Mulgrath was defeated by (SPOILER!) none other than Hogsqueal??? It was one of the lamest ending for a kiddie fantasy flick that I've seen. So lame, that I think it was made just for the heck of having an ending. OK... Mulgarath (a shape-shifter) was tricked/predicted/coerced to transform into his signature avian-form and Hogsqueal (with his uncanny predilection to feed on birds) sacked and swallowed him outright. That's it. That's how your big bad guy died (along with the film's climax).

However, ending aside, the movie narrative is paced with a good dramatic flow. It set a different lighter tone from films of the same genre. Not as swashbuckling as Narnia. Not as dark as Potter. Not as brainless as Jumanji. And apparently, not as intense as the Lord of the Rings. Just the right fairytale story elements on a compact movie. It's a good family watch.

CG is great. Animation is cool. The portrayal of the fantastic creatures are well-thought of. Computer animated characters have delivered the right facial features and expressions. Thimbletack is cuddly and lovable, even at his deranged alter ego. Hogsqueal is a cool comedy relief character. Mulgarath and his goblin horde looks just right as the scary antagonists (although I've read reviews that said they were too scary for kids... psh!).

The flesh casts are so so. I find the kids Jared and Simon Grace (both Freddie Highmore) lacking in intensity. But that's just me. I haven't read the books so I can't really tell if their characters are really supposed to be boring or lackluster or lame. I salute the kid however for acting for two totally different character-type roles and give at least a mediocre justification for it. Mallory Grace (Sarah Bolger), the sister, and Helen Grace (Mary Parker), the mom, is on the average acting job too. Lucinda and Arthur Spiderwick (as if they needed much acting) plays their role well. But still, all in all, I'd rather see Mulgarath win an acting award for the film over all of them.

Conclusion: Although it will tickle the child inside most adult watchers, the movie's main market is kids around 4 years to 8. It's a delightful fantasy film created with them in mind.

Seven gulamans worth.

JUNO by jaiskizzy

2008-02-17T00:31:00.001+08:00

the gist: after kitty pryde played tag with juggernaut in x-men 3, she left the school and moved to the suburbs and started a band with the less-talky guy from superbad (not mclovin) who now is a member of the track team and wears very short shorts all the time. anyways, something happens on a couch and kitty, who now calls herself juno, gets pregnant and decides to give the baby up for adoption to teen wolf too's todd and the ass-kickin alias chick who was also in daredevil because they got married but cant make a baby no matter how much sex they have. juno's father by the way is j. jonah jameson from spider-man but he doesn't shout a lot this time.

the reaction: until the day i die, i'll always wish i could do my high school years over. i really missed out a lot, especially in priapic conquests, by being such a wuss. that is why i will make sure that my future son avenges me. anyways, high school is the threshold for discoveries to would-be adults and the end result of one of those discoveries is unwanted pregnancy, which is mostly hell for the guilty parties. that's where juno got blessed. her parents don't go nuclear, the baby's dad doesn't breath down her nape, her school doesn't expel her, the couple who would adopt the baby seem cool and everything's accompanied by a soundtrack to put on high-priority downloading. but what seems like a conflict-lacking storyline actually comes off quite compelling, thanks to the wonderfully written script.

this splendor of a script was scribed by a (former) stripper named diablo cody. i salute her for penning a brilliant, biting screenplay that's like a machine gun loaded with uniquely intelligent and funny bullets. although it is hugely told from a female perspective, it is on a level of entertainment suited for both sexes and not as girlie as, say, the sappy jane austen movies that no man would ever admit to having watched and, yikes, cried on. every banter between characters and every off-kilter remark that escapes juno's cute mouth deserves attention. they feel like something we all want to say but not in the same way. and with a premise that's practically similar to knocked up, it's amazing how the two films are entirely different from each other. one of the scenes i liked was the one where jason bateman's character mark tells dario-argento-loving juno about h.g. lewis and they watch a video of a woman having her stomach impaled by a large metal thingy and the pregnant juno likes it.

ellen page was perfect. this girl can act. she was scary in hard candy but stayed cute the whole time, which is creepy. that movie just made me stay away from underage girls even more. now here she is working her mumbo-jumbo again and she just nails every witty line. made me forget for a while there that the weird girls during my high school years were never as cute as her or ever hung out with a hottie in braids and schoolgirl skirts (omg olivia thirlby). michael cera barely said anything and he was just great. there are movie dudes who give great love speeches and then there's michael cera, lord of the low-key. the rest of the cast are older and have more experience so let's just keep the praises to the newbies.

touted as last year's little miss sunshine, juno bagged four oscar nominations (best picture, best actress, director and best original screenplay) and i would be darn surprised if this gem of a film doesnt win at least one of those. it's definitely one of the best of 2007's releases, proving that not all comedies have to be slapstick, gross, r-rated or a spoof of some other movie. this is one baby you won't want to abort.

the good: the screenplay, the cast, the soundtrack, just about everything.
the bad: it's quite girl-biased.
the ugly: the crotch closeups.
the verdict: 9 strawberry panties.

skizzy pop.

HITMAN by jaiskizzy

2007-12-09T00:30:00.000+08:00

the gist: when bret hart decided to quit wrestling.... (just kidding) when it comes to assassins-for-hire, 47 is #1. raised by a secret organization known as... the organization (it was the agency in the game) to become the perfect killer, he never misses a target and always gets away clean. however on a mission to kill the russian president, things don't go as planned. it seems his peeps have turned against him, putting our bald-headed anti-hero out on the run from the interpol and the fsb and against other nameless agents, with a hot babe who hates clothes tagging along. did you notice there are zero alliterations on the synopsis?

the reaction: the hitman video game franchise is one of my favorites because it's not just your usual button-mashing, shoot-everything-in-sight first-person adventure. it's a game of tactics and stealth and completion of the mission requires precision and consideration of every option before making a decision for a slight miscalculation means a bad situation. waha. anyways, with the previous videogame-to-movie flops, one would normally think that the filmmakers would exert extra effort to do really well because the audience could only have high expectations at this point. you can't make a movie that's just good. it has to be really, really great to please the fans and non-fans alike. with hitman, i feel like they didn't actually try to make a hitman movie. they were instead trying to make the next big action flick, took some inspirations from the game and slapped that title on it and waited for the cash to flow in. they barely paid respect to the source material. so, is it good or bad? let us begin with the negatives.

the biggest mistake of this movie is timothy olyphant. he just does not fit the role. when casting rumors began, fanboys were unitedly screaming only one name: jason statham. after seeing him in transporter, he was agent 47 for me. all he needed was the red tie. i dont know what happened but they picked timothy olyphant instead. the movie kinda lost it right there. sure, he's a good actor but he just does not look and feel like agent 47. i mean, vin diesel was also considered at one point and i would have liked vinny over timmy. why? because he just didn't have the eyes of a killer. granted he was able to pull off how agent 47 moved, walked, talked (must have watched game clips over and over) but he didn't get the eyes. he never looked like a cold-blooded assassin at all. well, there was one scene where he had a menacing expression going on while choking an enemy, but that seemed like trying too hard. which brings me to the second biggest mistake of this movie: it was too actiony.

anyone who has seen the bourne movies would notice a lot of similarities. well, the premise was the same, a whole secret organization against one guy who is good at killing people. but it didn't mean it had to go the same direction. as mention above, the hitman games were about stealth and precision. you're supposed to be a ghost. anyone who has seen you are already dead. but in this movie, agent 47 is all over the place. he's out walking in crowds. he's bald and he's got a barcode tattoo on the back of his head. how am i supposed to believe that he won't stand out? and then in one really stupid scene, he kung fu fights a bunch of guys. fucking kung fu. with swords. instead of sneaking up on enemies and using piano wire (my favorite method) he does a jet li. ridiculous. the script is lame and complicated at the same time. they should have began with agent 47 doing several hits before going to the main plot. plus if you don't listen carefully, you won't get what's going on. i mean, me, i understood it and it thought it was messed-up writing. for the pinoy moviegoers who rely more on visuals, the film is gonna be tough to swallow.

okay, on the other end of the barrel, you got a few good things that prevented hitman from becoming a total disaster. numero uno, the game elements that they put in the movie. they were few and far in between but they were cool nonetheless. from the look of agent 47 to his body language, diana, hiding weapons, hiding bodies, disguises, the logo, they were pretty nice nods. soundtrackwise, the movie began with the game's original ave maria theme but that's about it. props to robert knepper as well who played yuri. that bathtub was such a t-bag moment. but the best part of the movie was nika. she's not the most beautiful actress you've seen, but she was more than enough to provide the obligatory t&a (and exactly t&a). no sex scene, but that crotch rub she did will forever be stored in the fantasy vault of my brain.

i paid to see one of my favorite video games come alive on the silverscreen and instead saw an ill-executed bourne wannabe. i am very disappointed and could only hope that the next videogame-to-movie endeavors do better. way better. you know, i've always thought that you can't do a bad movie with the right ingredients - bullets, blood and boobs. consider this reviewer wrong on that one.

the good: the nods to the game, t-bag and nika (rrrrr).
the bad: the execution.
the ugly: timotht olyphant as agent 47.
the verdict: 3 barcode tattoos.

agent 69.

HITMAN by obi

2007-12-06T09:01:00.000+08:00

Based from the Eidos game of the same title, "Hitman" is a story of a mercenary gunman only known as Agent 47. He was given a mission to assassinate a Russian president which later on involved him on a convoluted political plot of country-wide consequences. Along the way, he met the hotty Nika who unknowingly holds the answers to the identity of the double-crossing client. Together, they were able to crack the real score behind the conspiracy and just like any other action flick, the lead put an end to it (although the last part just screams PART TWO!).

I haven't played the Eidos game but a friend told me that the film gave justice to it. It's a typical action movie with flawless stunts and awesome close-combat scenes. The character made into Agent 47 is compelling in a way that you can really identify the cold-hearted assassin in him. Nika on the other hand (who has been half-naked on ample parts of the movie) portrayed the role of a passive victim quite well although I still don't think it has any significant relevance to the entire plot except for the movie to have a sexy lead actress. It even added to the awkwardness since Agent 47 should be completely devoid of emotion but the last parts of the film implied otherwise.

The concept of an organization of gun-for-hires is cool but the movie has been vague about the nature of the "Agency". I dunno if they intended it to be like that to add an air of shadiness on the org but I believe they should have divulged at least more info on them because along the movie you'll see several more agents going after 47 himself. And with it, there has been implications of "Agency" traditions (the short sword combat) that could be more interesting to viewers if explained.

In all, the movie is not a disappointment. It stays true to be your "action film" and a little bit more.

Rating: 6 gulamans.

BEOWULF by jaiskizzy

2007-11-15T00:28:00.000+08:00

the gist: it's happy hour in king anthony hopkins' mead hall, which means booze, babes and belting out some songs sans videoke (and this was centuries ago. nothing ever changes eh?) enter grotesque gatecrasher grendel, who only wants some peace and gives everyone a piece of his pissed-off mind by tearing them to pieces. with everyone scared shitless, a hero is called for and through the stormy seas, beowulf rises to challenge. thus begins beowulf's battle against grendel, angelina jolie's nakedness and living up to his legendary name. plus a golden dragon. will beowulf be the last cgi standing?

the reaction: gaddaym! imax 3d is a-fuckin-mazing. say ta-ta to those red and blue 3d glasses of yore. this is no doubt the future of movie watching. and what better way to immerse oneself in this extraordinary experience than on the breakthrough motion-capture film beowulf. when i put the glasses on and the credits rolled, i couldn't help not to be such an idiot and tried to reach for and touch the 3d letters. it got me like that. every time something suddenly pops up out of the screen, my lovely companion would jump off her seat. and it's not even a horror film. if there is a 3d horror film being made out there, then im pitiching a tent in line. the scene of grendel's initial attack was utterly astonishing. i'm pretty sure it wouldn't have the same impact in 2d. i loved the three-dimensional blood gore and violence but the quick p.o.v. shot where robin wright penn's queen character is watching the carnage through a hole on the table she's hiding behind struck me the most in that sequence because it actually looks like you're looking through a hole in real life. darn, i crave for more of imax 3d.

the other thing that makes beowulf great is the way the poem was translated on screen. neil gaiman and roger avary of course had to change a few things up a bit and the final output was a well told story of a man who is known as a hero, proves he's a hero, but still is just a man. at one point, beowulf tells his wife queen (and im paraphrasing here) to remember him not as a hero but as a man, flawed and something else. great voice acting by ray winstone, he's not as loud as leonidas in 300 as most think due to the trailers, and upon checking the dude's pics, great decision to not make beowulf look exactly like him at all. one more kudo to crispin glover's portrayal of grendel. that old english gibberish of him talking to angelina jolie was one of the best here. angelina's though sounded fake. and speaking of that pouty-lipped temptress...

yes, fellow pervs, angelina jolie is fully nude in this film. yes, it's cgi and yes there's some gold liquid covering her privates, but a huge yes, she is very naked. and sporting a lara croft-like hairdo by the way. to me, her cgi counterpart was the most photo-realistic of all the characters. it seemed like it was really angelina jolie emerging from the water to display her cgi bareness. this was the big payoff after seeing anthony hopkins's butt and beowulf's everything except his weiner which, during his armorless, weaponless mano a mano with grendel, was amusingly covered, reminiscent of austin powers. so, yeah, apart from the violence, this movie surely aint for the young ones. which is good since there's gazillions of kid-friendly cgi movie out there. it's about time we adults get to enjoy a cgi movie for ourselves and not have any tears jerked out.

it was hard not to think of the videogame god of war throughout the movie. there were shots that felt like lifted directly from the game and i was clawing the empty air, pretending to hold an invisible ps2 controller. there were two particular sequences where i observed this prominently: when john malkovich (underused. could have been another actor, wouldn't matter) tries to debunk beowulf's hero fame by questioning the swimming contest he lost, beowulf tells him why and we get a flashback of him fighting sea monster just as he was about to win. he slices one in half and stabs another one in the eye, gives us a customary warrior shout on top of the monster's head and jumps back into the water and back into the race. very gamely. the other one is the whole golden dragon action sequence. i think i've spoiled enough so i'll leave this one undescribed for your full entertainment.

this 3d-fied version of the classic tale we all ate up in high school is a definite must-experience for all film buffs (well, except for the kiddies). sure, you could point out flaws from your point of view, but overall, beowulf will blow you away. the guys behind this have set the bar so high, everybody else will surely be pulling out all the stops to outdo them. which only spells even greater flicks headed our way. consider this reviewer bitten bigly by beowulf.

the good: the 3d!!! well, story and cg were good but fuck, man, the 3d is wicked!
the bad: mouths still need a lot of work. also, angelina jolie's boobies didn't bounce.
tha ugly: grendel.
the verdict: 9 golden horns.

jaimax.

CIUDAD EN CELO by obi

2007-11-12T08:13:00.000+08:00

An Argentinean film, the movie is generally comedic with a touch of romance. It reminds me of one of my favorite romantic movies "Love Actually" with the fact that the plot jumps randomly around and develops into a more coherent pattern as the film progresses. And by the fact that it doesn't even have a complicated storyline but remains interesting as you watch along, says a damn LOT.

Enter the casts. The story basically revolved around this group of friends who were in their early midlives. One of them (and a cool character) was Marquito (Marcos). The happy-go-lucky dude with a quick wit when it comes to pretty chicks. Eto yung, kung may mamanahin ako sa napanood ko, yun yung mga linya ni Marcos. Di ba Jai?? Hehe. Then there was Sebastian (Sebas), who really din't appear so much in the film but whose death made a big impact on the story arc. There was Duke, the oldest of the group and most of the movie was set on his coffee shop, Garllington. And then, Valeria and Sergio... former couples during the group's younger years.

It's a funny movie in an entertaining way. The Greenbelt THX cinema was rumbling with laughter on most parts of the movie and some laughable scenes were stuck in my mind until now. Don't get the wrong idea about the hilarity, though. This is not our usual slapstick or knockout comedy scenarios. They're simple fun and even exacts a hint of wit on their punchlines. The more serious dimension of the story, on the other hand, was engaging and encourages anticipation. It's rare for a movie of such simplicity to be not dragging.

Take note of the musical score too. It added touch to the already very "latina" settings. It could be a bore to those who doesn't appreciate the genre but if you're not up to such, then just focus on the story itself.

To describe the movie in two words: simple and brilliant. Ten gulamans.

STARDUST by obi

2007-11-08T04:04:00.000+08:00

Adapted from the fantasy novel of the same title by Neil Gaiman, Stardust is a romantic fantasy with hints of comic relief. It's about a young prince - Tristan - who grew in the world of his "normal" human father, in a small town at the edge of London... a town, just stone's throw away from the Wall which divides the territory of mankind and that of the magical land of Stormhold.

What started as a normal life became a wild ride of an adventure for Tristan Thorn when he ventured past the Wall and into the land of Stormhold in search of a falling star in the person of Yvaine (Manila-hating Claire Danes). The star was supposed to be a proof of devotion for his beloved Victoria but it turns out that the quest will lead him to fall in love with Yvaine instead (dumb English bloke... Vicky's hotter, fool!)

But he's not the only one searching for the falling star. Along came the powerful witch Lamia (Michelle Pfeiffer), who craves for the heart of Yvaine in exchange for eternal youth and Prince Septimus, uncle to Tristan and contender to the throne of the dead King of Stormhold, which he can only ascend if he finds the ruby gem worn by Yvaine.

Exploits continued until the final battle on the witches' stronghold when Lamia and her cohorts captured Yvaine and Princess Una, Tristan's long-lost hot mom. Of course, as every heroic stories, Tristan was able to save her and the couple, as they say, lived happily ever after as King and Queen of Stormhold.

The plot is unquestionably hooking.The humorous parts have been an entertaining addition. The story was well-balanced in terms of phasings and plot development. These all contributed to a very awesome movie worthy of classic status. I dunno why it din't make that much hype in the market but what I thought was just another mediocre fantasy film was actually a unique magical treat that has a touch of everything on it... fairytale romance, witty comedy, epic clashes, and hints of mystery.

On the casts... well, there were exceptionally good actings for some of the roles but most of em has performed just passably. Not that it'L ruin a good story. Spectacular performance goes to Robert de Niro (Captain Shakespeare) who has been very convincing both as a reputably cunning pirate captain and a kind-hearted closet "whoopsie". His transition to both roles is flawless - talk about being a pro. Mark Strong (Septimus) and Michelle Pfeiffer (Lamia) - even her other two witch cohorts! - din't look striking enough as antagonists. But maybe the director intended it that way. It's not a hardcore action fantasy after all.

FX and cinematography is just right. Use of computer graphics is realistic and produced the intended effect. Scenes were mellow when it should be and dark when the situation calls for it. Musical score is so so.

I haven't read the book by Neil Gaiman but watching the film is enough for me to assume that it's another brilliant masterpiece. I heard there were deviations in the movie (I think it normally happens when adapting book stories into film) to make it a bit more fairytale-ish and cater to younger generations. I was opting for a better finale and the ending was one of the changes made from the book (as I was told) but all in all it doesn't affect the overall impact of the movie. Refreshing. Delightful.

9 gulamans.

HATCHET by jaiskizzy

2007-10-20T23:26:00.000+08:00

the gist: while freddy and jason went on hiatus to recuperate from their fright fight and mike myers did some shit with rob zombie, a new mad murderer manifests from the mucky muck. his name is victor crowley (any relation to aleister?) and as the folktale goes, he had a disfigured face and when some kids burned down their house in the swamp while he was in it, his dad killed him in trying to save him: he was pressed against the door when daddy-o used a hatchet to break it down. believing his existence is a myth, a bunch of folks go on the infamous haunted swamp tour for some cheap scares. pretty soon they realize that victor is in fact alive and kicking/killing and he gives the visitors a bloody warm welcome. yay!

the reaction: a few days ago, katia and i were discussing horror movies. she doesn't like them, i crave for them. she pointed out that she does not want to pay money just to get scared. so i told her, you should pay money to get scared because it's the feeling/emotion we get the least. you laugh every day, cry sometimes, but very rarely get scared shit. unless you're a complete paranoid freak. anyways, that's the primary reason why i love horror films (and riding roller coasters too). the rising tension and then the sudden surge of surprise. (nudity is secondary) nowadays, the surprise though is that the recent horror movies aren't that scary anymore. well, except for the awesome asian ones, which they would then make lame remakes of. like a true terror icon, hatchet crept up behind the pack and attacked when least expected. while everybody else was looking far and ahead, the writer/director, adam green, an obvious 80s horror buff like myself, was looking back and probably thought maybe it's about time to go back to bloody basics. so he had a gangbang with the masters and in 2006, gave birth to victor crowley, a baby we've all been waiting for.

a flick that will probably never see silverscreen light in this conservative country, hatchet is a big nod to the classic american horror my generation had loved and missed. sure, it's another mean, lean, killing machine on the loose hacking and slashing humans here and there but isn't that a good thing? hordes of horror films have hopped out but only a chosen few actually lived up to the genre. now here comes a newcomer requesting your attention. not smart, no twist ending needed, no killjoy cutaways and no tear-jerking. just pure bloody goregasm. if it does get released here, it'll surely suffer from the heavy editing under mtrcb hands, hence, losing the very essence of what slasher films are about.

i like the methods of kills, especially the one were victor emulates on a human what king kong did to the t-rex in peter jackson's version. never seen that before! i also dig the stylish slow-mo splash of blood and entrails. that's a trademark in the making. plus, plus points for getting robert englund and kane hodder. still, this movie is beyond perfection. and that is probably the fault of victor crowley (or at least the guys who designed him). he simply isn't that memorable. he's one ugly bastard with a big slice on the face. that's it. i don't know if this would spawn sequels (i do hope so though) but if it does, then victor better work on his identity if he wants to stand amongst the giants. also, the huge amount of tit-flashing is great and all, but please employ some really hot, gorgeous girls next time. it will be a big difference. very big. other than that, hatchet is great horror movie to watch, especially with a girl who scares easily. wehe.

i am pretty certain that this will turn the current trend around and more films like this will get made, vying for that spot in to be the next horror icon. victor crowley aint there yet, but he is one tough conteder.

the good: the blood
the bad: the beast
the ugly: the babes
the verdict: 8 shovel handle impalings

jai the ripper.

SHOOT 'EM UP by jaiskizzy

2007-09-23T23:25:00.000+08:00

the gist: carrot-munching clive owen reluctantly helps out a pregnant damsel in distress against the gunned goons going after her. amidst the shooting, the baby is delivered and the woman is killed. and so begins a cool as crazy bulletfest between this one-man army and, well, an army led by paul giamatti, all while playing papa to the newborn and trying not to lose concentration because of the steamy monica bellucci, who plays a lactating prostitute. yes, a lactating prostitue. will our mysterious hero reach complete trigger happiness? or will he run out of rounds and luck to dodge them bullets? and will the cops arrive late at the very end of the movie like pinoy action movies? i hope not. but even if it that was the case, i could care less. this movie had me at shot-the-umbilical-cord hello.

the reaction: i have this great idea for a pinoy action movie that will break through the norm and be the impetus for the next generation of pinoy action movies because seriously, it's pretty obvious everything's been the same and gotten so lame that they've practically stopped making them now. anyways, im not gonna tell what's it about since rippers-off (damn you!) are lurking about but it has a good way of making sense out of the necessary senseless gun violence, why the hero seems to never run out of bullets, how he's able to do all those stunts, et cetera. shoot 'em up, on the other hand, keeps the hero's secret a secret. it's hinted, but we basically have no idea who the heck he is, how he can do all those cool things and why he prefers carrots as his only source of sustenance (among other uses). maybe because it's good for the eyes? hmm. anyhow, such questions need not be asked since this film is obviously self-aware from the get-go (or get-gun?). it's deliberately cheesy and over-the-top and doesn't take itself seriously at all and so you shouldn't as well. yes, there's a story thrown in there, and characters, and an ounce of philosophy too, but the bottomline is it's just meant to give you a good time from bullet number one to the last.

an exgf once said hat clive owen was the best choice to play the next james bond after pierce brosnan decided to give up the bowtie. i personally thought hugh jackman was perfect for the role, but after seeing clive owen in this movie, i still think hugh jackman should have been bond. because i believe clive owen is better at being a rough curmudgeon than a suave lothario. he made eating a vegetable look carnivorous. on the other hand, monica bellucci once again channel her inner sex goddess as the hot female lead needed for an action movie equilbrium. it's not stereotyping. that's just how monica bellucci is. she could be covered in bird shit and i'd still think she's hot. stinky but hot.

kudos to the director for not resorting to bullet-time to make things cool. i love the matrix but we've practically had more than enough bullet-time from all the action movies that used it after. here, we have none of that, just a bunch of unusual ways to shoot and kill bad guys. sometimes with the baby in two.i couldn't pick a favorite since they were all so goddarn badass but my top two would be how he kills a group of henchmen in a van with just one gun and the sex scene shootout, although the latter was a bit of a letdown since monica bellucci, who never had a problem showing her goods, kept her skirt on and we saw nary a nipple (pause button?).still, it's fucking while shooting. sex and violence in one scene alone. awesome. i do have to complain about the soundtrack though. i know that an action film requires a heavy metal scoring but i felt like the songs chosen for this one were kinda off. i liked the songs out-of-movie but i never imagined nirvana's breed or motorhead's ace of spades would be appropriate for action sequences. maybe it's just me but i just think that it didn't have the same effect that pretty handsome awkward had when barricade chases bumblebee in the transformers movie.

not everybody will enjoy this movie. if senseless violence aint your cup of tea then keep your distance and waste no time making negative reviews you've already cooked up before even seeing it. you're just being a prick. but if you love the occasional brainless fun like no-strings-attached sex and riding rollercoasters (not limited to that of course, but you get the picture im trying to paint), then leave the kids at home and jump into the fray. with outrageous gunfights, downright silly one-liners scrunched into a disposable plot, shoot 'em up is a great way to take a break from the monotony of the pretentious, the remakes, the ripoffs, and the absolute crap movies of late. bull's eye...

the good: the action sequences and monica bellucci.
the bad: soundtrack.
the ugly: just the greenscreening in the sky shootout sequence.
the verdict: 8 carrots.

skiz 'em up

1408 by moira moirtæma

2007-09-02T15:45:00.000+08:00

The movie was undoubtedly King’s. There are many aspects in the flick that projects communal thesis. One is that the main character is a writer. Second, the setting was in a hotel (Remember, “The Shining”? - Didn’t think so). Lastly, among other collective themes: King’s love for ghostly horror.

Nuis and I sat at the farthest left side of the cinema where most people would take advantage of the shadows. I know, I am a proud constituent of the flock. But this time, our aim is to avoid distraction. I wanted to see if King has somehow changed.

Hmm.. Well, it’s still King.

Ghostly hotels, skeptical writers, somnolent settings, restless ghosts of people who committed suicide, sinister cries and screams, surreal concepts, haunting pasts..

At some point in the movie, I thought, Enslin (rendered by Cusack) was just psychologically injured. And all the haunting things, he saw in that hotel room was just a prognosis of the mind’s eye. That he was just mad about the demise of his only daughter. I’ve been amiss. There were ghosts, alright. Okay. So there. See? It’s King.

Well, don’t get me wrong.
There are daunting scenes in the movie that will cause you to take refuge beneath you lover’s shirt. I know, I did. But over all, the movie is a typical ghost flick, that can be perceived by the five senses alone.

If you are into films that makes you think more than visualize: Watch something else.

The Best Parts:
(According to myself)

1. The Doppelganger.

- Enslin tried to scream for help. He waves at this man in the other building in front of where he is, trying to make him call the police or something. Surprisingly, he noticed that the man is doing his every move. Everything. Imagine standing in front of a mirror, only think of the other building as your reflection. Bring up a lamp, to reveal the face of the man who copies your every move. Only to find out that it's YOU.

2. The Eternal Wall

- Enslin tried to escape the building by going out of the window and trace the narrow sills to the next room. He counted it at first on the inside, by foot, from the window to the wall next room. Approximately nine feet. He went out, trace the “nine feet-distance” to the other room. And saw eternal bricks.

3. Katie’s Bloodied Feet

- The ghost of Katie, Enslin’s dead daughter, toddled amongst the ruins of the now derelict hotel room. She walks with her naked feet on the shards of broken glass and mirrors. Her every step: bloodied.

4. The Best Kiss.

- Was Nuis’. Ha-ha.

RUSH HOUR 3 by obi

2007-08-22T07:14:00.000+08:00

Lee and "7-11" (his mouth's open 24 hours) is back and crazy as ever.

A summit was held in L.A. regarding the key to the dissolution of the largest crime gang, the Triad. The Chinese Ambassador heads the exposition but there was an assassination attempt in his life even before the summit commenced. Lee, acting as VIP security then, chased the assassin and somehow Carter got tangled up with the ruckus as well.

Their investigations led them to a contact person in Paris and the duo flew to France to follow up with the case. They eventually uncovered an age old tradition amongst the members of the Triad - the Xie Chen(?). Whoever holds the Xie Chen, will have the key to knowing the important personalities involved with the criminal organization. But getting their hand to the Xie Chen wasn't easy as they discovered that Lee's brother, Kenji, was actually a member of the Triad and charged with looking after the Xie Chen.

The Xie Chen manifested in the story on a French stage actress Genevieve (the Xie Chen list actually tattooed on her bald nape). By some twists in the story, the duo was able to recover Genevieve and uncover another Triad big boss - their very own contact in Paris, Varden Reynard. Before totally sacking the case close, however, Kenji abducted the Chinese Ambassador's daughter, Soo Yung, and asked for an exchange with Genevieve.

Carter disguised as Genevieve and went with Lee to meet with Kenji for the exchange in the Eiffel Tower. Of course, fierce action scenes ensued and by the end, the L.A.P.D buddies were able to save Soo Yung and solve the case of the Triad's Xie Chen.

The whole film is basically short at almost only one hour and a half but it was packed with a fast paced plot and a hillarity that is a trademark of the "Rush Hour" series. I am a fan of the first two films and comedy-wise, this would top the second "Rush Hour". I was literally chuckling most of the time (as I refrain from laughing out loud in cinemas as much as possible).

One should be able to predict how or when some of the jokes will be delivered. This is a bad thing for most comedic movies, but the thing with Chris Tucker is that he can make an impact out of his delivery that no matter how you anticipate it, you'll still can't help laughing your arse off. With Jacky Chan, well... if a Chinese kungfu actor singing (or trying to sing) a line of "The Closer I Get to You" while riding a swing doesn't appeal to your funny bones, then I don't know what will. The overall hilarity of the movie boarders on what you've already experienced on the first two prequels BUT it's still so so enjoyable, nonetheless.

The plotline is fairly simple and frankly, a bit lacking. Lacking in fact that after watching the movie, I was like... "Eh? That's it?". My sis, bro, and bro-in-law was into the same reaction that I was convinced that yes, it's not because I enjoyed the movie so much that I was looking for more... it really was lacking more. The story's transition to its climax was flawlessly developed but the finale was so abrupt and out of synch with the entirety of the film.

On the casts, well it's a comedy movie with two of the main roles in focus for the entire film so you din't need much invest on casting bigger stars for the supporting roles. In that sense, Jacky and Chris proved that they still have the chemistry to pull off the old tricks they did on the first two "Rush Hour" movies. I observed, however, that Chris Tucker might have been given a bit more "air time" here in "Rush Hour 3" but the idea of the Lee-Carter team up was there all the time.

Don't set your expectations too high when watching the movie. As I said, it is your typical "Rush Hour" movie with those typical "Rush Hour" antics in that typical "Rush Hour" storyline. But one thing for sure: their same old formula will make you laugh.

Seven gulamans.

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX by jaiskizzy

2007-07-15T23:21:00.000+08:00

the gist: harry potter et al are back for more wand waving and broom riding, now that lord voldemort, he who must not be named but i just did, has returned to do some dark deeds and get a nose. but that is not the case if you were to ask the ministry of magic because according to them everything is just a bunch of lies and that harry must be high on sniffing too much magic dust. as new laws are imposed in hogwarts led by the new ministry-assigned teacher, harry refuses to give the fight up and is determined to defeat the dark lord whatever it takes. does he stand a chance against baldie and his minions? cant emma watson be of legal age already so it wont feel wrong to think she's hot? but most importantly, will these actors ever get to do other movies? moviegardium reviewsa!

the reaction: ive never read any of the harry potter books and i dont think i ever will. i tried to, once in the past, but i wasn't even able to get past page one. i dont know. i just dont feel like it. so pardon me for any mistake i might make about the books. i'll shoot it to you straight: i didnt like this movie. it was very disappointing. there was a certain level of energy and grandeur that the first four had which this one lacked. it was mostly flat and uneventful scenes. well, of course lots of stuff happen. i just didn't find them as striking as, say, the flying car sequence in chamber of secrets and the map thing in prisoner of azkaban. except for that quick wizard wand fight near the end, nothing else stands out as special, yes, even the broom ride along thames river. just scene after scene of mediocrity. it wasn't boring, mind you. it just felt weak as if you're not watching a harry potter movie at all. that's probably why the kids behind me were so noisy and barely paid attention to the movie. it didn't capture your interest. it merely played on the fact that it is a harry potter movie and people would watch it, fan of the book or not, regardless of what they put in there, like dancing frogs or something. upon leaving the theater, the movie seemed like a filler episode.

the special effects were okay, cgi was okay, like i said, nothing new. well, maybe for dumbledore's water ball. that was awesome. i read somewhere about hagrid having a half-brother in the movie that was done entirely in cgi and that the technology they used was quite advanced. really? it didn't seem like so. plus it was dark so that's kind of a giveaway. then there are those cart-pulling creatures that can only be seen by people who've seen death. only she and harry can see them. then later harry and the whole gang are riding these beasts. wait, what? how did that happen? im sure the book has some explanation but i guess they forgot to include that in the script. what, did harry kill a squirrel in front of his friends?

some of the other reviewers were right though when they said that the chemistry between daniel radcliffe, emma watson and the dude who plays ron (nice hair btw) was great. they do feel like they've been friends a long time. no dialogue-ish dialogue to reiterate their bond, just plain friend language real world people use. however, there was a highly noticeable absence of humor that was present in little sprinkles in the previous films. here, i didn't laugh one bit. the usual comic relief ron wasn't in the mood i guess. dumbledore is starting to become lame. i think that he should have the same presence of gandalf whenever he's on screen. here, he's more like gimli sans comedy. except for that wand-off (sorry can't help it) with voldemort in the end, he's quite depensable. i think the first actor was better. the only other actors worth praising was the girl who played the unblinking luna lovegood, and of course, gary oldman. dude's cool. everything he does, he does with panache, especially the way he casts his spells. en garde!

like i said, i was not impressed. whoever this director david yates is, they should fire him and have someone else direct the next one to work some magic to put the flame back on and keep it burning (get alfonso cuaron again!). like magic show where the magician does tricks you've already seen a million times that you know how it's done already, this gig was a letdown. ugh, i wish i'd watched this online instead.

the good: the wizard battle and gary oldman. (and emma watson of course, sshh!)
the bad: the direction, the screenplay and the rest of the movie.
the ugly: the asian girl. like, what!?
the verdict: 4 prophecy orbs.

he who must not be tamed

DIE HARD 4.0 by obi

2007-07-13T08:20:00.000+08:00

Detective John McClane is back with yet another showcase of his daredevil skills. In a daring attempt to sabotage the entire American economy, a group of cyber-terrorists lead by a sacked government computer head honcho Thomas Gabriel, executed what they dubbed as the "Firesale". "Firesale" is their term for a three-point economic cyber-sabotage composed of messing up with the traffic ways, blocking the communication lines, and shutting down the power grid. In able to do this, Gabriel's terrorist ring staged a competition among the hackers to program the software that will initiate the "Firesale". After the program was finished, the syndicate started killing all the hackers involved.

One hacker lived, as his assasination was foiled by McClane, who was under order to arrest the hacker - Matt Farrell. As the duo went along with their business, McClane eventually uncovered the reasons why Farrell was under attack and that it was tied up with the economic sabotages that was already hitting America (the start of the "Firesale"). McClane, who just won't die, kept on being the arse pain to Gabriel and company. In an attempt to sack the detective, Gabriel kidnapped his daughter and bargained for her life if he'll stop the crackdown to their evil plans.

With intense action scenes here and there, McClane finally saved her daughter and kill the bad dudes before help from the NBI arrived (how typical Pinoy film scenario!).

The movie's a very "guy film". True to it's title, it was jampacked with hardcore action scenes from start to end that it will make you wonder how the heck McClane survived all of that. The story was there and I pretty much like the concept of cyber-terrorism but take note that there's a whole LOT of exaggerations in the movie that certainly would never be possible in real life. So to appreciate the story, you'll going to keep in mind NOT to question the capabilities of the good guy... good guys should always triumph no matter how. Period. I also wanted how they emphasized the weakness of the American way of life brought upon by mucho dependence on computers. Props to whoever conceived of this idea for the prequel.

Overall, it's still your typical "Die Hard" film with a never-say-never cop who seemed to have challenged the world just to have his way of making criminals pay. They said it was a tad stylized than the prequels but I think it was mainly because of the presence of the organized crime group and the NBI officers (who have been visible all throughout the movie but wasn't really much of a help). I haven't watched Die Hard 3 (DH3) but I still can recall DH1 and DH2, and I can't see much change from the McClanes of the prequels. In this movie, McClane is still McClane. I'll have to give the credit to Bruce Willis and his charisma to carry on the charge of portraying the scruffy-looking detective again as he did years ago despite having aged to his 50's.

Hands down on the acting department. Timothy Olyphant (Gabriel) and Maggie Q (Mai Lihn) are very capable adversaries to McClane, with their merry band of computer hackers. Timothy has that sinister appeal on him while maintaining the "not-a-dumb-villain" look. Maggie Q, on the other hand, flawlessly fulfilled the role of the token Asian sidekick. She's still scorching hot on combat gears (as in MI:3) and although I find her resillience to McClane's attacks unbelievable (no matter how brutal they were and how wiry this chick is), I still loved her performance for the role. Cool martial arts moves too. Justin Long (Matt Farrell) did not look too geeky for his role. I'd rather prefer he portrayed the "geekiness" as exhibited by Warlock (Kevin Smith), but I guess that's what the director intended anyway.

One of the scenes that made me raised an eyebrow (although I really can't do that raising-an-eyebrow thing) was when an F35 jetplane chased down McClane on a freeway, and the protagonist walked out of it alive. That's just pushing it too much! I mean, McClane was being shot at like hell by anti-armor rounds and payloads of missiles with only a truck - a HUGE truck! - at his disposal.

HUGE TRUCK = HUGE TARGET

And the fighter pilot kept on missing the damn thing like a three year old trying to pin the tail on the donkey, blindfolded! And when he finally hits, he was still dumb enough to stuck himself to ground where McClane could make an easy work of doing funky stuffs to it and send it to doom. Watdapak?

All just to give the viewers a good action ride. So yeah, you should get by now what I'm trying to mean by "it's a guy film"... sacrificed reality for more loads of action!

Seven gulamans.

RATATOUILLE by jaiskizzy

2007-07-08T23:22:00.000+08:00

the gist: a rat named remy realizes that he's a rare rodent reared to round up rich recipes and not to rummage through rubbish. rrrr. his forbidden journey to the realm of humans leads him to the lanky linguini, a garbage boy who works for gusteau's restaurant and dreams of becoming a chef. i guess it was kismet that they met because soon their dreams come true as remy puppets linguni around the kitchen to make dazzling, delectable dishes, putting them in the suspicious sights of the two-heads-high head chef and the mean mouth of restaurant critic most cruel, anton ego. will the dynamic duo's cuisine reign supreme (iron chef! hah!)? will rats and humans finally have a mutual coexistence? wait a shit, a cooking rat?!?! hello, leptospirosis?!? [insert horror tune]

the reaction: i can't cook. gusteau is wrong when he said anyone can cook. anyone but me. i was anatomically assembled to consume, and not produce, food. and part of that process was probably to stay thin no matter how much i eat. anyways, this film focuses less on the food, more on the characters which is a good thing. just like in the incredibles, brad bird and the pixar peeps have once again taken a very absurd impossible idea and gave it a heart and made it believable. i totally dont dig the whole concept of a cooking rat but then when i watched this movie, that skepticism seems to have been switched off. i never actually thought i'd find rats endearing (im not scared of them like layla, but they are icky), but this film just makes it work. not only because it's animated, but the way the rats, especially remy, were presented with such personality and no forced cuteness, kind of like human beings in rat suits. in the slightly similar live-action movie willard, they made you hate rats even more than you already do. here, they managed to get you to be fond of them, or at least hate them less, for the duration of the movie. but afterwards, did i go home and start treating rats as friends? no, sir.

i liked the story, the classic reach-for-your-dreams-and-follow-your-heart, or in this case, follow the ghost of your idol chef. nice little love arc too. well, they are in paris, right? but the bestest best part of this movie is the cgi. pixar has come a long long way since toy story. every film is like the next step in cg animation, continuously raising the bar for the genre, but breaking that bar themselves. yes, shrek also has superb cg but the story aspect has deteriorated. here, the stars of the show are the rats. they look and move just like real rats. sure, they're also a bit cartoony but the details of realism are amazing. the way they scurry, get wet, sniff, very real. i read somewhere that the rats were supposed to look less real at first but brad bird decided against it. good call, mr. bird. as a paradox, the humans look very cartoonish. accompanied by great voice acting, most notably peter o'toole's anton ego, and you've got a spectacular treat of a movie.

they couldn't have picked a better tagline: a comedy with great taste. it's a fine funny family film that will definitely delight young and old alike. well, that's kind of a no-brainer since pixar hasn't failed the audiences' animated appetite. can't wait for their next serving (which is wall-e).

the good: the cgi. wet, cgi hair never looked so real.
tha bad: the whole idea. yeah, it's cute. but for crying out loud, a cooking rat?!?
the ugly: the kitchen filled with rats. now, imagine that's your kitchen...
the verdict: 7 lightninged mushrooms.

skizzy a la king

DEATH NOTE by moira moirtæma

2007-07-07T09:56:00.000+08:00

I've finished the 32-installment anime series after hours and hours of staring at the tube box, reading the impossibly miniature English subtitles. I so like the concept of the series and I wouldn't mind the perish of reading its poor translation.

Enough of the series.
This review is for its movie adaptation.

Unlike the series, the movie adaptation is far more simple yet gracefully
crafted. The plot is more comprehensible and yet at the same time, it wasn't forced. There were many deleted and modified scenes in the adaptation but it didn't deviate from the series' original concepts. Although the ending was unlikely like that of the series.

To sight a few of these differences -

Light is already in college when he picked up the Death Note, when in the series, he was still in highschool when he did.

Light doesn't have a girlfriend named Shiori who was killed by Kira thru manipulating Pebar's fiance.

L doesn't have mole on the left phase of his nose. (Ha-ha)

Chief Yagami didn't die in the movie. In the series, he even died still possessing a Death God's eye after being bombarded by Mello and his mafia. Hee.

L wrote his name on the Death Note to convince Chief Yagami that Light is the real Kira. Eventually, he died after 20 days as what the rule says. He died peacefully while eating a chocolate bar.

Light was killed by Ryuk, himself by writing his name on the Death Note.

Over-all, the movie is good. Although, there were major changes made to the script, the complexity is still there. Not to mention, the 3D animation was superbly crafted. The casting was also good, yet there were aspects in the adaptation where the character of the actor or actress surfaced than that of the character that they are portraying.

Picture is good too.
I give the adaptation, four stars.

Cheers.

TRANSFORMERS by obi

2007-07-05T03:38:00.000+08:00

A war on their own world has brought the noble Autobots and the antagonistic Decepticons into the Earth in search of the Allspark, an alien cube that is the Transformers' only hope to rebuild their devastated world. The Decepticons, Blackout and Scorponok, attacked a military base in Qatar while the insidious Frenzy sneaked into the Air Force One, all just to tap into the military secret files in search of information about Project Iceman. Project Iceman would lead the Decepticons to the whereabouts of their leader, Megatron, who in turn will lead them to the location of the Allspark.

The deceased ship captain involved in the events leading to Project Iceman turned out to be the grandfather of our lead role, Sam Witwicky. Sam holds the key to the location of the Allspark (engraved on his grandfather's eyeglasses). In some turn of events, Sam will own Bumblebee and later on learned about the nature of the Transformers. In an attempt to find the Allspark, they stumbled upon the secret government agency, Sector 7, which holds the secret to the location of both Megatron and the alien cube.

Unbeknownst to them, Frenzy the MVP was able to skitter his way towards the secret location by stalking Sam's hot girlfriend, Mikaela (yeah I really have to insert "hot" there). Frenzy contacted the Decepticons to converge on his location and freed Megatron from his cryo-freeze slumber. All the while, the rest of the Autobots are on their way to make their stand against the Decepticons on a nearby town. It was a battle royale when both factions clashed for the Allspark. I have to break it to you that Jazz was decapitated by Megatron. But in the end, Sam was able to dump the Allspark to Megatron's chest to destroy both the artifact and the monolithic robot.

Don't leave the cinema yet when the credit rolls since along with it, there will be teaser scenes that made a sequel imminent.

Most people anticipated the movie to be crap, and you can't blame em. First, the previews din't much give a clue on what does the robots look like and on the short moments that they did, they seemed very far from what the animated series presented. So the first thing that will hit you was that this will just be another kiddie movie with an unrealistic crap for a plot. There were also the rumours that outright deviated with what we generally know about Transformers... biggest of them was Bumblebee being a Camaro and not the lovable bug (Volkswagen Pendong Pagong) that we all knew. Another was that it's on a present-day settings. Transformers the cartoon series was set on the 80's and thinking of that alone would lead you to conclude that the script writers would recede to ridiculous ideas just to tie-in the whole concept into a more modern timeset.

What's awesome about it was that much of these were true - the robots din't much represent their original transformations (Prime, even when a truck, is not the original boxy hauler from the cartoon series) and the modernized concept is waaay different from the 80's Transformers that we remembered BUT despite it all, the overall impact of the movie is surprisingly well!

I believe that what contributed with this much appreciation was the fact that the movie was able to compensate a LOT of cool graphical goodies for what it lacks from the cartoon series. For most, the CG is outright wicked! The transformation is smoothly done and the robots' interactions with the humans are seamless that they really looked like coexisting simultaneously. It also has tons of fan services the likes of the original transformation sound and cheesy one-liners from the cartoons like Optimus Prime's "one shall stand and one shall fall" and "Autobots, transform and roll out!". It's just frustrating that they never played the original Transformer musical score!

The plot line is well simple. Your typical good versus bad thing. It's not what the movie would like to showcase anyway. It threaded away from the cartoon series' storyline but it still has some adherence to the basic concepts like how they characterized the Autobots' personalities (although Bumblebee was an exception in that he was not wimpy in the film). The Decepticons' Frenzy was surprisingly the MVP of the plot since singlehandedly it was responsible for the hacking of the government networks, uploading a virus into it, finding the location of Sam and freeing Megatron! The story basically was there because of Frenzy.

Most of the casts are pretty decent. Shia LaBeouf (Sam) was really reminiscent of the cartoon series' Spike. I can find the similiarities on their personality. I find the US Army squad led by Josh Duhamel (Captain Lennox) a bit overplaying their role. They din't strike me as grizzled war veterans and more of the stereotype heroic soldier we commonly see on films. Megan Fox (Mikaela) is hot when she's on her grimy look, nuff said. Also, it was nice to hear the original voice of Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen). If only Megatron and Starscream's original voice talents were there too, it will be total awesome-ness.

The bad thing is if you're a diehard fan of the 80's series and won't appreciate much of the deviations done on the movie, you would probably walk out underwhelmed. To enjoy the film, you have to set your mind up before seeing it that this will not be much of the cartoon series we loved back then. No problem for the later generations, they'll sure enjoy watching it. Watch out for the humours too. There were scenes that would make a good laugh.

The goodies will sure outweight the bad and I would like to see either Bumblebee or Frenzy nominated for the Oscars. 9 gulamans worth.

TRANSFORMERS by jaiskizzy

2007-07-02T23:18:00.000+08:00

the gist: giant fucking robots have come!! one, disguised as a helicopter, has attacked a u.s. military base in qatar apparently to steal some top secret 411. the survivors hike into the desert and bump into another one in scorpion form. one more that can change into a cd player hitches a ride on air force one. lara croft's dad, who now works as the department secretary, is like, what the heck's going on? meanwhile, sam witwicky, who's trying to sell his great grandfather's stuff on ebay, finally gets a car which turns out to be a roboto incognito as well. it's bumblebee! soon his cybertronian comrades, led by the great optimus prime, arrive on a mission: find the allspark and prevent it from ending up in the menacing mandibles of megatron and his metallic minions. leaking lubricants! it's the autobots versus the decepticons in spunktacular cgi combat! who would be the last robot standing? will this movie make us fanboys happy? and, dude, is that megan fox chick blazing hot or what?

the reaction: damn you, michael bay, came the battlecry of generation geek, revolting against the apparent desecration of precious childhood memories. when word that a transformers live action movie was being made broke out, prayers were answered. but when information, pictures and video were gradually released through the geek-ruled internet, negativity spread fast. flames on optimus prime? lips on optimus prime? bumblebee's not a vw beetle? megatron's not a gun? no soundwave? madness! but as a rabid fan of the cartoon series myself, i took no part in this digital stone throwing. i completely understood that it was highly impossible to make the movie exactly as it was in the cartoon. it couldn't and wouldn't look right. case in point: megatron being an alien spaceship instead of a walther p38. someone said: that's like having darth vader turn into a lightsaber. damn right. so i aligned myself with the optimistic ones, thankful that a big screen adaptation has finally arrived. goosebumping through trailers, i thought, this will be good. i was wrong. it was phenomenal.

i cannot remember how many times i cursed throughout the movie. most of the other moviegoers went "wooo!". i on the other hand was all (pardon kids) "putangina", but in two versions: the quick, shocked version, and the slow, syllabic version. the moment peter cullen's voice opened the film i snapped back into the past and became a dumbstruck (foulmouthed) kid. with a humongous boner. and when i first heard the iconic transforming sound, that one that could pretty much define the 80's for me, i had geekgasm. i mean, fuck, they actually used it. and i really think that that's one of the best aspects of this movie, the sound effects, not only during transformations but in the different weapons used through the film. i literally held myself from jumping off my seat when i heard starscream's shots, which kind of resembled the decepticon laser sfx in the cartoon. i also liked megatron's blaster. still on sound, another factor that contributed much was the great soundtrack, particularly the one in the first autobot-decepticon encounter between bumblebee and barricade, when barricade jumps in the air, transforms and chases after bumblebee. awesome. there's also a great scene where regarding songs that the situation calls for, as chosen by bumblebee. the transformations, oh, man, the transformations were an eyeful. you see gears turning, mechanical pieces switching and locking into place. they were absolutely incredible to watch. when i left the theater, i looked at vehicles and imagined them transforming.

shia labeouf as sam witwicky is a an example of perfect casting that all textbooks on filmmaking should have. the monkey-spanking mink machine megan fox is as well since the only thing you can match cool cars with is a hot babe, but shia just was outstanding in his role, a nerd on the greatest adventure of his loser life. his secret reaction to megan fox's hotness (oh my god) was classic. cant wait to see how he fares in indiana jones 4. everyone else did fine too. there was another pretty chick there, a blonde with an accent, but she was covered up most of the time, unlike the foxy megan fox who generously displayed her assets as much as pg-13 would allow.

the robots were amazing. the cgi was flawless. perfect. i could see and feel the hard work put into them. combined with the actor interaction, i'd swear they were really there. and the (re)designs were so cool. i like bumblebee's design the best because it fitted his personality (or robotality?) well, especially when he was shadowboxing while prime introduced him. among the other autobots, jazz was the one who had the closest semblance to the cartoon. i really didn't mind optimus prime having a mouth, but it would have been cooler if he had kept his faceplate on all the time. (oh, he has the matrix! )and the fact that they got peter cullen to voice him again was just awesome. i wish they had frank welker as well for megatron but hugo weaving did him justice. he actually didn't sound like agent smith at all. i was having multiple geekgasms during the optimus prime and megatron one-one-one. and i probably would have doubled my multiple geekgasms if starscream had his original voice. nonetheless, i was waaayyyy satisfied with everyone's transition from 2d to 3d. jesus christ, the cartoon has come to life.

so, maybe yeah, damn you, michael bay. damn you for this wonderful piece of work. i came in with a very large bag of expectations and came out with it overflowing. i liked the way the story was paced. i liked how the action sequences weren't corny. i like how everything was consistently told in the point of view of humans (low camera angles). i loved the cartoon, and goddammit, i loved the movie. the fat guy with the digital camera couldn't have been more right: this is 100 times way cooler than armageddon. part two, please?

the good: the whole darn movie.
the bad: okay, maybe one lil gripe: frenzy. me want soundwave!
the ugly: again, frenzy.
the verdict: 10 bee-otch air fresheners.

skizzimus prime.

FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER by obi

2007-06-27T08:41:00.000+08:00

The film started with updates on how did the life of the foursome go since the first film. This time, Reed and Sue were scheduled to get married but for some turn of events, a mysterious entity, Silver Surfer, appeared to wreck havoc to the world and the team was forced to postpone the wedding and work with the US armed forces to subdue the alien. They were not getting much progress as the Surfer proved to be much aware of their every moves.

Enter, Victor Von Doom! *lightning sparks*

He was somehow restored back to life and on a close encounter with the sparkly surf dude, Doctor Doom was able to secure important information that can be used against Silver Surfer. He employed his aid to the US armed forces and an unlikely alliance was formed between him and his old foes, the Fantastic Four. Through the brilliance of Doctor Richards and Silver Surfer's apparent affinity with Sue (I mean c'mon, who's not gonna go gaga over Miss Alba), they were finally able to capture the alien by separating him from his power source - the surfboard. With his twisted schemes, Victor was able to snatch the surfboard from the US military and augment his powers to even greater heights.

With not much time left, as they discovered that a world devourer (Galactus) was about to destroy the world and that Surfer was their only chance to salvation, the Fantastic Four set out to rescue Silver Surfer and capture back the surfboard... which (of course) they were able to do. And they all lived happily ever after.

At least not after the Surfer sacrificed himself to eliminate the Galactus threat.

The film is generally decent: mediocre plot, CG effects, acting, and all. It's just disheartening to take note that despite the hype and all anticipation of a grand battle from watching the previews, there are really not much of an outright combat in the movie. There's this scene of the Torch vs. Surfer or Torch vs. Doom, but they din't have the quality of a fast-paced, "superheroic", cinematic fight as say compared to Spiderman vs. the New Goblin in Spiderman 3. Even the group assault of the Fantastic Four against Doctor Doom in the final scenes of Fantastic Four 1 can outdo all the battle scenes in Fantastic Four 2 (FF2) combined. And that scene on part 1 is just mediocre to start with, unfortunately.

True to it's form, though, the movie kept much in line with the comicbook identity of the team. I personally liked how the continuity of each of the members' personalities still carried on to this sequel. I know many will have quirks on the appearance of Galactus as a gaseous entity of sorts, but I really would have to prefer him as such than his original purple-helmeted giant figure as seen in the comics. Silver Surfer is a great representation too. I really felt his commanding aura and his outlandish impression. Probably, it's Lawrence Fishburne's voice there that made the magic.

Jessica Alba is searing hot, hands up. BUT I will still have to stand by my opinion that she's NOT physically apt for the role. Susan Richards (Invisible Woman) from the comicbooks is a white blonde which is very much in contrast with what Miss Alba is, naturally. I don't even think she is of the right height if memory serves me well, but heck... I'm too lazy to do my research at the moment but I believe there's a lot of discrepancies there. I'm not up for an "up-to-the-last-dot" similarities but they should have at least satisfied the fans' childhood image of the Invisible Woman.

Doctor Doom is more worth to be the evil brain this time. I dig. I don't like how the Fantastic Four fall for such a ploy of his. It looks stupid. But I guess they just have no choice since it's the destruction of the world that is at stake. Still, they could have at least be more vigilant of his schemes. The Thing and Human Torch banter is still a hit for me. I like it when those two clashed with each other with their antics, and there's still a lot of it in this movie although you can feel that their relationship became more of a casual antagonist to each other unlike on the first film where they just plainly loathed each other.

"Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" is a so so film, all in all. It's likely that it's not something you'll be remembering as one of your all-time favorites but it won't be on your all-time crap movies either. It's relatively short and is a good popcorn movie for the family. A good way to past time in a mall, definitely. Six gulamans worth.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END by obi

2007-05-29T08:42:00.000+08:00

The third installment to the tale of the swashbuckling corsair, Jack Sparrow, followed the story of Lord Cuttler Beckett's quest to purge all pirates and establish ultimate rule over the seas. With it, he has control over the heart of Davy Jones (from Part 2) which in turn gave him leverage to command his dreaded Flying Dutchman in a whim. Beckett's success was imminent (and so is the pirates' end) so the only solution left was to convene the Pirate Lords around the world and propose a joint attack against the formidable British fleet.

On this line, it became apparent that they will be needing help from the infamous Captain Sparrow so with unlikely aid from the Singaporean Pirate Lord Sao Feng, the former crew of the Black Pearl journeyed to the World's Edge to bring him back to life. The voyage was a success and along with it, they sailed back to the "real world" with Jack and the Black Pearl, itself. Insidious pacts and trades led to the unexpected rise of Elizabeth Swann as captain of the Singaporean fleet. She spearheaded the notion of a combined attack against Lord Beckett's fleet during the convocation of the Pirate Lords, where she was declared Pirate KING (yes, it was explicitly told she was a KING).

In the end, it was a standoff against the British Fleet plus the Flying Dutchman versus the allied pirate fleet. The Flying Dutchman and the Black Pearl sailed ahead of their armadas for the greatest naval mano a mano I've ever seen on a movie! The battle ended with Captain Sparrow opting to have Legolas destroy the heart of Davy Jones (killing Squidhead on the process) in order to protract his existence. However, this meant that Legolas (actually, Will Turner) will have to be the new Davy Jones and captain the Flying Dutchman. With it, the Dutchman and the Black Pearl annihilated the Endeavour - Lord Beckett's flagship.

Lord Beckett's death is the cheesiest naval death I've ever seen, on the other hand. Hahaha.

Let's not talk about CG's, special effects, props, costumes, and the whole production itself. They're all "WOW" *put lots of exclamation marks here* for the lack of words to describe it! I was pointing at the Kraken's tentacles to my bro telling him they (effects crew) thought of making it consistently float on the beach and put much details on the suction tubes even when the monster's scene on the film lasted what... 30 seconds?!? That's how they worked with the rest of the details and the effects were getting more and more awesome since the first Pirates film.

It's a very suitable ending for the "prologue movie" which is Pirates 2. I've immediately watched Pirates 1 as soon as I had the chance after I arrived from Sydney last year and I stand in my opinion that Pirates 2's storyline is nothing but a preparatory film for this sequel. Nothing interestingly more. Pirates 3 is as winding and long as Pirates 2 but "At World's End" is fast paced and easier to keep up with, at least. Ok, it still has those confusing sub-storylines: Calypso, Nine Pieces of Eight, Davy Jones's Love Story, the Pirate Lords. But, these has been inserted to the plot in a way that they din't become vague enough to follow unlike those introduced in Pirates 2 which were mostly just "pushed it" too much... to make the movie long(?) or look adventurous(?), who knows?

Johnny Depp's witty antics are still a hit but this time, I have to admit that he din't single-handedly carry the film. The story was guile enough to highlight the need of the other roles to shine on the film: Elizabeth Swann and her rise to power, Will Turner and his quest to save his father, Davy Jones and his unsettled business with Calypso, even Lord Beckett has his own shot to stardom as the ultimate antagonist. The plot this time din't revolve mainly on Captain Sparrow but it was participated evenly by the major characters. This, I dig since the stars selected for the major roles were worth the exposure anyway. I find Chow Yun-Fat a little lacking though but I have this feeling that I might have just thought of that because I was used to see him in kung-fu moves and stunts that din't require him to actually "act" that much. Haha.

This movie like Pirates 2 is still not recommended to be watched if you haven't seen the prequels. It was chock-full of its own mythology that it will make you just keep on bugging your seatmate for info (and prolly annoy him/her in the process). Just think of it as this: it's not your typical sit-back-enjoy-the-adventure flicks we commonly see on the likes of Waterworld or The Island. Plot lines here are branching (if not just "popping" out of something) everywhere and it's up to the moviegoers to have a grasp of these and establish a coherent path to understand everything. Ang saya noh?

Six out of ten gulaman.

SPIDER-MAN 3 by obi

2007-05-10T01:46:00.000+08:00

Spiderman is back and this time he's prepared to snatch his Mary Jane for a wedding proposal. Everything started well as Peter Parker continued his regular stints as a photographer for the Daily Bugle while his wall-crawling alter ego is fast becoming a beloved icon in the city. On the other hand, Mary Jane Watson hits it off as a broadway performer on a sassy local theater. Happy happy!

Enter catastrophes!

A convict (believed to be the gunman of Peter's uncle) escaped from prison and, by a freak accident on some physics lab, was transformed into Sandman - bent on stealing moolah for the hospitalization of his sickly daughter. Harry Osborn's back too with a hipper costume as the New Goblin, still wanting to avenge the death of his father which he blamed on Spidey. Along came an alien psymbiote that hosted itself on Parker's suit, making Spiderman vulnerable to corruption when he wears it. To top everything, MJ was sacked for a bad performance and our geek guy, Parker, was in danger of the same fate within the Daily Bugle as a competition surfaced in the name of Eddie Brock, a freelance photographer.

One event lead to another and in a bizarre intertwining of fate, everything fell on the wrong side of things for Spiderman. He eventually seemed to be loosing the love of MJ as she sought comfort to their bestfriend Harry Osborn which on the latter part of the movie used this leverage to make Peter's life more miserable by inciting the breakup of the lovebirds. Down in depression, Peter gathered strength to move on by wearing the psymbiotic "Black Spider Suit" and thus fall into taint. With it, he sought revenge against the Sandman and humiliated Eddie Brock... and dated his love prospect, Gwen Stacy.

Later in the film, Peter Parker would be able to forcibly take off the psymbiote which apparently has a weakness for loud soundwaves. Coincidentally, Brock was in the place where Spidey removed the Black Spiderman psymbiote and the alien entity transferred on Brock to gave birth to the Venom!!! Wait... TO THE VENOM!!!! *insert thunderous sounds here*

Venom, spiteful of what he suffered from the hands of the web-crawler, tagged along with Mister Sandman to kill Spidey, using MJ as a bait slash hostage. Spiderman, being renewed from his brief exposure to the "dark side", battled it out with the two villains in vain. In came, the spunky New Goblin, who turned to the "light side" when he realized Spiderman din't actually kill his father. He aided to the death of Venom and Sandman's cheesy shift to consider "talking it out" with Spiderman instead, but the eventual payback was his own filthy rich Goblin life.

Maybe it's the hillarity of the badboy Peter Parker and his swinger antics but I didn't like how this sequel turned out to feel lighter than its predecessors. Sure, I had good laughs on most of the comedy lines but that's exactly what's upsetting. I believe the movie should better off making viewers go "oooohh" and "aaaahh" rather than laughing their arses off their seats. Don't take me wrong though. The CG effects were awesome *insert triple exclamation marks here* Have you seen how Sandman first restructured his body from the sandpit? That's just wicked! Total hands up on the quality of effects and production.

The down side...

There were several sub-plots for the major roles in the film (Brock, Parker, Miss Watson, Harry, Sandman, and even briefly, Gwen) tied into one cluttered storyline. OK, the writer pulled off bridging these sub-plots to be coherent enough for viewers to piece it all up along the film. However, in exchange for this, the character developments were done hastily in a poor attempt to just give each of them enough time to have a real "effect" on the narrative flow. That, I don't dig. As usual, there's a LOT of happenings that would challenge the laws of physics and logic but they were tolerable enough since the movie was comic book-adapted anyway. But mind you... some really looked outright dumb like on the last parts of the film when Sandman just suddenly got into his wits and "sit it out" with Spiderman for some tear-jerky talk and sympathetic make up... AFTER POUNDING SPIDEY FIST AFTER FIST OF GOD KNOWS HOW MANY TONS OF SAND TO DEATH earlier on that same scene!!!. Bwahehehehe.

The casts are cool. Nuff said on that. The only person lacking for me is Gwen Stacy (Dallas Howard)... so so performance. She's not one of those comic book character anyway so yeah... oks lang. The others fit their roles like nuts and bolts. Hands up on that too. I also liked (always liked even on Spiderman 1 and 2) the way how the writers portrayed Spiderman as someone who was as vulnerable to his "human" problems as he was when he's on his alter-ego mode. Napaka "human" niya so to speak.

To sum up, the movie has considerably awful flaws but the mix of light approach to the mood and some very sympathy-inducing scenes would actually make you think your money's worth it. I did. It's a "fun" movie to watch in the most shallow meaning of the word, but not the "classic" material that is worthy of such a cool iconic hero. Six gulamans worth!

SPIDER-MAN 3 by jaiskizzy

2007-05-07T23:16:00.000+08:00

the gist: lotta stuff going on in this spiderific second sequel, true believers. things are doing peachy fine for our friendly neighborhood spidey. the people of new york that once despised him now worship our wall-crawling wonder, and his relationship with mary jane is swinging sky high and he wants to marry her. but of course, that aint gonna last in a film like this. i mean, what's a superhero movie without supervillains? enter the new goblin: harry osborn following his father's fiendish footsteps. enter sandman: (where's metallica anyway?) flint marko who takes on a life of crime to save his sick daughter and gains the power to become sand. enter venom: eddie brock, the new hostile host to the symbiote that our hero once owned (or owned our hero, i guess). peter parker's got his hands full this time, eh? will spider-man outwit, outlast, and outweb his way out of this outstandingly? will more alliterations appear again? 'nuff said. on with the review!

the reaction: i remember back in high school during a boring class drawing spider-man on a page of my notebook having six hands, the three on right clinging onto an invisible wall, the three on the left shooting web. what made this drawing stupid though is that all arms had the costume on them. that it would seem that peter parker had actually sewn up a costume accommodating all six of his arms. crazy. anyways, i don't think we'll be seeing a six-armed spidey in a movie any time soon. before, i also thought that my favorite spider-man villain, venom, wouldn't be showing up for a while, but when they announced a part three and that venom would be in it, i was so ecstatic that i would have reserved a ticket right then. i mean, seriously, folks, venom made spider-man 3 double cool and in a way he was the movie's saving grace (played by topher grace). don't get me wrong. i liked the movie. it's good and really not as bad as a lot of people say so. however, it hurts to type this, it's the least i like among the three. i have no idea what happened but sam raimi just failed to surpass his previous attempts. he merely gave us a spider-man movie. that's it. well, that is what everybody wants but of course, once you've upped the ante, you have to keep the ante up. and it doesnt necessarily mean having three villains. sure, it's a great challenge for spidey, but i honestly think that venom alone could have sufficed. they should have just left out the sandman plot entirely and gave the space to the venom.

well, okay, thomas haden church acted really well, so did the rest of them, especially tobey maguire, but i just felt like it could have worked better without him. the sandman effects weren't even that blow-away good. and they shouldn't have messed up uncle ben's death just to connect him more to peter. that's like the death of batman's parents or the explosion of planet krypton. we got it. we like it the way it is. move along. harry osborn's revenge arc was way better than that. the inclusion of gwen stacy is also well accepted since she played an integral part of peter's life issues in and out of the costume. bryce dallas howard's bubbliness cast quite a shadow over the always mediocre kirsten dunst. i'd be glad to see a different and better-looking actress play mary jane in the next sequels. i mean, come on, she's even named mary jane, for chrissakes. she's supposed to make you high.

okay, let's talk about venom again, beginning with the symbiote. i like how it just came from space with no explanation and coincidentally landing near peter and mary jane's makeshift make out motel. i like the cg on the symbiote. it looked like it was really real. i like the black costume despite not being totally black and having a white spider like in the comics. i like peter parker's emo mode. ive heard many gripes about this one, how it looked a bit goofy, what with peter pistol-fingering ladies on the street and doing a dance number a la the mask, but i completely understood what he was going through (i had recently gotten a haircut that lifted up my confidence a bit). i like eddie brock's plot. i like venom's design even though the slimy tongue was absent. i like how they used topher grace's unaltered voice when venom speaks. i just wish there was more venom. i'd have paid triple just for a longer, meaner one-on-one between spidey and venom. anyways, another thing that deserves praise about this movie are the sound effects. the punches, the metallic hits, and yeah, even sandman's sand sounds, awesome. and, of course, it would be a crime not to mention bruce campbell's hilarious cameo and the always funny j. jonah jameson. classic.

it maybe flawed and topsy-turvy, but i still loved it. the mere fact that the spider-man i used to only read in comics, draw on paper, and watch in cartoons continues to conquer cinemas causes me immense geeky happiness. i just hope that sam raimi or whoever will come on board in his place if ever does their homework on the next one. time for spider-man 4, baby!

the good: the cast (except for the dunst), the comedy, and venom.
the bad: sandman.
the ugly: two-face!
the verdict: 8 pumpkin bombs.

your friendless neighborhood spider-skiz.

TURISTAS by obi

2007-03-29T05:47:00.000+08:00

Three vacationists hit the road to splurge on a Brazilian getaway. Along the trip, their bus had an accident that sent the group trapped on a wayward settlement along Brazil's beautiful coastline. Here was where they got to tag along some fellow travellers... two British dudes and an Australian hotty, who was the only one among them who knew how to speak Portuguese. They later discovered a local vista near the accident site and preferred to spend the night there to party with the natives!

Problems started to manifest when they woke up the next day robbed of their possesions. Along their pursuit to find the culprits, they got tangled up with more diffuculties against the inhabitants of a nearby town. One of the more friendly locals, Kiko, offered them safe haven on the deep forest only to find out that they were lead to a more dire situation.

The group was captured by a doctor who runs a human organ smuggling sydnicate and their usual donors were unwilling "gringos" or foreigners. The doctor was able to harvest organs from one of them (open surgery with gore and nudity!!) while the others tried to escape. The hullabaloo ended up with most of them dead except the protagonist siblings and the Australian hotty, and of course with the syndicate and the doctor put to a gruesome end.

The movie was frankly a disappointment to me. I din't expect it to have a good storyline of sorts but I was at least expecting it to be a match in scare-factor with "I Know What You Did Last Summer". But it's not... and to start with, "I Know What You Did..." wasn't much of a thriller anyway! So the comparison will give you much of an idea how uninteresting the movie could get.

There were gory scenes, especially this open surgery to one of the female casts, that could give the viewers the creeps, but those scary portions were either not consistent along the movie OR predictable enough to happen that made its impact really lacking. Cinematography was waaay off during the most crucial part of the film. It started off pretty interesting with the breath-taking captures of Brazil's environs but the sucky parts started during the climax itself with almost a good part of it shot in the dark! I can't see a damn thing for at least a whole third of the movie!

The whole concept of making a torture film out of Turista's storyline was well worth the look in papers. I kinda like the idea of having a mad doc snatching unsuspecting foreigners from the dark and harvesting them of their organs, BUT the way they set these all up into this movie was pitiful. Don't mind the story. It's basically just about a bunch of stranded travellers doing stupid decisions on an unrealistic world. You'll only like this film if you're into chicks in bikinis and nothing else.

With nothing much to say but to bash the movie more, I say you watch it so you could feel me. I'll rate it two gulamans... and I'm still nice about it.

300 by jaiskizzy

2007-03-25T22:57:00.000+08:00

the gist: the gay-looking god-king xerxes is bent on conquering greece. but no blood will be shed if the cities simply surrender. unfortunately, that very word does not exist in the vociferous vocabulary of leonidas, king of sparta. and so, against the pink-nippled oracle's warning, king leonidas gathers 300 of his best warriors and takes camp at a mountain pass where they face off with the hundred-thousand persian army (but not until after he'd have pre-war sex with his hot, hot wife). obviously outnumbered, the 300, under king leonidas' loud lead, stand their ground, bloody battle after bloody battle, all the while with no body armor whatsoever, relying only on their skill, spears, swords, shield and six-packs... correction, make that eight-pack abs. will this movie defy math and prove that 300 is greater than thousand? who gives a chimera's ass? fight!!!

the reaction: the first ps2 video game that i bought and played on my unit is god of war. it's about the badass spartan warrior kratos and his blood-ridden quest of revenge against ares. im now in the middle of god of war 2, stuck in a certain part due to a gitch. anyways, god of war would make an awesome ass-kickin action movie (they're actually in pre-production now), but until then, 300's your uncle. if you like plot-driven films with intricate storylines and heavy moral lessons, unforgettable moments of emotionally arousing drama, and familiar characters you could connect with and will forever hold dear in your hearts, then back up, mushypants, this movie is not for you!!! i've been hearing quite a slew of negativity regarding 300, mainly on the fact that they did not get what expected. do you know what were they expecting? something like troy. in fact, they even go as much as saying troy was better. holy shitballs! isn't it obvious that zack snyder and the gang never intended to make it look like troy or any other greek-based movies that preceded it. and i can't understand why they can't get around the idea that this was based on frank miller's graphic novel, noting how the movie didn't try to be something else, and that a movie is a movie and a comic book's a comic book. folks, when frank miller made the 300 graphic novel, he didn't see it as a comic book in his mind. he saw the scenes playing out and simply took the "frames" that delivered what he wanted and put it into paper. what zack snyder did was syphon those very scenes from frank miller's brain and gave us this movie. that's called respect for the material. 300 the movie is the 300 graphic novel brought to life.

the point of that last sentence is immediately apparent on the film's overall look. it's colored to match the graphic novel. that's why it's mostly sepia-ish and grainy, and why red (capes and blood) stands out. i like the red capes by the way. they sort of look like an army of supermen. anyways, it should be stressed that this movie was made to look cool, to entertain, and even though it is based on real events, it was made unreal in purpose. because, again, you are "watching" a comic book. which is brimming with arrogance. but it aint just plain air. the brags that leonidas roars out of his hairy mouth are never empty promises. to put it simply, leonidas walks the talk. and when he does that pre-attack pep talk to his men (with accompanying look back shot), it's encouraging, you feel like you just can't let the dude down. and the good choice of scoring it with some heavy metal music just puts you more into a beat-the-living-shit-out-of-your-enemies mood. wave after wave of various opponents, the spartans proved their mettle replete with in-your-face stabbings, limb-slicings, and beheadings, (as opposed to the usual fast cuts cheat crap we've been seeing in recent action films), all in spectacular video game-like fashion. heck, there's even a nice boss battle throw in. there's this one cool sequence involving a rhino which just shows how fearless these guys are. and of course, i must mention the cool slow-mo, fast-mo sex scene between leonidas and gorgo which is unlike any film fucking you've ever seen. even upto now, i can't get it out of my head.

i found myself shouting "prepare for glory" and "tonight we dine in hell" several times for a few days after watching this. it just sticks to you. i am proud to be a man, thanks to the eyegasm that is 300. a true fanboy flick that no doubt will become a cult classic.

the good: the visuals, the fights, the arrogance.
the bad: not enough female nudity to counterbalance the male nudity which one reviewer referred to as "dude-ity".
the ugly: a tie between the lucky ephor dude who licked the oracle, and xerxes.
the verdict: 10 red capes.

skizzius maximus

THE HOST by jaiskizzy

2007-03-21T22:55:00.000+08:00

the gist: toxic chemicals + han river = malevolent mutant monster! it's a fine sunny day in seoul and a bunch of people are happily speding the rest of their ordinary lives on the banks of the han river. probably disgusted by this humdrum moment, a humongous mutated tadpole shows up to stir things up a bit. after trashing the place and scaring the bejeezus out of the koreans, it leaves as fast as it came, taking a little girl with it. the girl's grandpa, dad, uncle and aunt then goes on a mission to rescue her from the icky clutches of the amphibian beast. will they be able to find her? will the monster be stopped? will smith? (no, he's not in the movie)

the reaction: allow me to dig up yet another childhood memory that somewhat relates to this review. i remember when i was a kid, i watched a pinoy horror movie about a giant crocodile in a rural setting. i cant recall anything else about it but im pretty sure it was crap. end of childhood memory. anyways, when i first heard of the host last year, i thought it was about a game show where contestants are killed by the main mic guy. but it wasn't (but wouldn't that have been a cool horror fick too, eh?) so, why is this entitled the host? well, apparently, the beast also carries a virus and anyone who comes in contact with it and survives will carry it as well and eventually pass it on and cause an epidemic. this subplot is well weaved into the main storyline, which is of course about the monster. no, wait, this movie is actually about family, and the monster is an extra. really. it's good since it's a take off from the usual monster movies where we're teased by glimpses of the monster for three quarters of the film. of course, this trick works because then we go down on our knees when the monster is revealed in its entirety, but joon-ho bong decided to go the other way. the mutant tadpole appears very early in broad daylight and we see it in full, with no gimmicks, just as it probably would happen in real life. another great feature is how the monster never really gets all the attention. like i said, this is more of a family movie and the monster merely part of the supporting cast. an example of this is when the little girl is snatched. the girl is in the foreground, the monster is in the back. focus on the girl, blur on the monster as it gallops towards her. but, no, it veers and goes off screen, and as if just an afterthought, it takes the girl with its tail and pulls her off screen. whoa.

awesome, awesome acting by the dumb father with the colored-hair and little girl. our actors just dont have the juice that these korean actors have. ive seen a number of korean flicks and man, they're just remarkable. they don't just act role, they become it. even that little boy that the girl meets in the beast's lair was freakin amazing, especially in the scene where he peed his pants. i have many favorite scenes, one is that tracking shot where the dad is in the foreground running, chasing after the monster in the background. i also liked the office building sequence with the drunkard uncle. and the scenes in the quarantine camp. fuck, who am i kidding? i like everything! and that giant tadpole thing. amazing. you'd almost believe it wasn't cgi. and it's not just the monster itself, but how it interacts with the real world. if you've ever seen anything pinoy-made that had something cgi jump into the water, you'd see how fake the splash is. none of that here, folks. simply seamless special effects. and the ending, although a little bit farfectched, is pure genius. id ruin it if i told you how it went, but i'll give a hint: big sister losing the archery competition. oh and by the way, this movie is partly a comedy, too.

a must-see mutant monster movie most likely you'd like like i did. i just wish that hollywood sees this as a challenge to come up with a better one, and not push through with the planned remake. out of ideas, guys? well, you should ring me up 'cause ive got plenty.

the good: the movie.
the bad: the idea of a remake.
the ugly: that giant mutant tadpole monster thing.
the verdict: 10 molotov cocktails.

bloodzilla.

p.s. in the 1st asian film awards, the host bagged four: best actor, best cinematography, best special effects, and (no surprise here) best film. bravo!

300 by obi

2007-03-13T12:09:00.000+08:00

Adapted from a graphic novel, "300" depicted the historical Battle of Thermopylae during the ancient Hellenic period. The story (if there's much to recount) revolved around the Spartan King Leonidas, who summoned 300 of his best Spartan warriors to stall the impending invasion of the Persians so that a bigger contingent of the Greek army could reinforce the city-states' defense. Despite prohibition by the Law of Sparta, foreboding of the Oracle, and unawareness of the Spartan Council, the King marched to war upon the mountain pass of Thermopylae, facing overwhelming odds and defeating a hefty number of the invading forces. Back in Sparta, the Queen Gorgo was fighting her own battle... to request the Council to send backup to his husband's warband. To no avail! The Spartan army's eventual collapse started when a Spartan outcast, Ephialtes, defected to the Persian God-King Xerxes and divulged a secret passage through the mountains which gave the Persian soldiers an advantage to outmaneuver the dwindling Spartan numbers. In the end, King Leonidas and his 300 warriors were literally butchered to submission before the Greek reinforcement arrived.

The movie doesn't have much to flaunt in regards to the storyline but the special effects, film settings, and costumes are awesome! When asked by my peers what I could say about the movie, I just tell em, "It's like a 'dark Troy' without an interesting plotline". It was jampacked with battle scenes, all of em are worth the effort of the filmmakers and are among the best I've seen so far. I like how the cinematographers conveyed Frank Miller's* sinister appeal on his graphic novels into the movie. Everything has a dark, gloomy theme on it that I could feel the melancholic air like I was inside the film itself.

*Frank Miller is the author of the graphic novel of the same title, where the film was based.

I see not much of a flaw on how the actors portrayed their roles. Gerard Butler (King Leonidas) has been very convincing with his part as a stubborn leader, and so as his leading lady Lena Headey (Queen Gorgo) who was very effective playing the part of a bold wife (no pun intended, you'll see in the movie why), willing to confront anything for what she upholds and for the love of his husband and land. Special kudos goes to Rodrigo Santoro who was the God-King Xerxes of Persia in the film. He acted the part so well but I dunno if they really intended him to look and act implicatively like a homosexual.

Summing it up, the aesthetic brilliance of the movie has well compensated with the simplicity of the story. Epic lovers will sure dig this one but those that are indifferent with gore and violence should rather not try to watch it. Six gulamans.

MONSTER HOUSE by jaiskizzy

2006-09-14T22:52:00.000+08:00

in a seemingly peaceful neighborhood there is a house, inhabited by a scary mean old man who terrorizes kids that step on his front lawn. dj is a kid who lives right across and he monitors everything that happens around the house. when his fat friend chowder's basketball ends up on the house's area of responsibility, they retrieve it only to come face to face with the gruesome geriatric ghoul himself... who suddenly has a heart attack and dies. soon, the house becomes haunted and not the way we all know haunted houses. seemingly possessed by the old man's ghost, the house roars to life with window eyes, wood plank teeth and a carpet tongue. who you gonna call? ghostbusters!

i really think that just about every kid, especially in my generation, had their own nebbercracker and their “adventure” stories to tell about him. there’s the old neighbor who owned a fruit tree and would come out with a shotgun if kids dared to climb it. (and then there’s that really bad one we usually see in the news, he who cant keep his hands to himself…) mine was my mother’s grumpy old father, but not as menacing as nebbercracker. that was eons ago, when he was still alive and strong, and me a young boy who still played in the dirt with my cousins. we weren’t really that afraid of him, making him mad was actually a bit of a laughing matter for us. remember those little firecrackers with string on either end that when you pulled them, the firecracker would go off? well, i tied one of those to the bathroom door while gramps was taking a bath and when he came out, boom! my cousins ratted me out and i got a good whacking then. anyways, the point of this flashback is that monster house is a movie that everyone can relate to, and it doesn’t just end with the villainous old man. take for example dj, damn i was that kid. all grown up but still treated like a baby. then there’s chowder, didn’t we all have that kind of friend at least once? and of course, pretty girl jenny, we all had (and still have) our jennies. that one girl you had the biggest crush on and gave you your first and subsequent pimples.

because of this, monster house is a refreshing take on the cgi genre. all we’ve seen recently are talking animals, talking cars, more talking animals, and talking ants (again?!). kids are eating up these movies like free candy and it was a brave move to take the path least treaded, the people behind monster house deserve kudos for that reason alone. and they came up with an animated movie that is almost real, where the kids acted like real kids, and the characters and situations mirrored the ones in our own lives. the only other movie i could compare this to is goonies, and that was live action. well, you know how most kiddie adventure movies are, kids are in trouble and the adults wont listen or believe them and so they face the perils themselves. a tried and tested formula put to good use the way we haven’t seen it. one different thing they did here was the person the kids turn to for guidance: a pizza guy named skull who has all the high scores in an arcade game. to them, he is the all-knowing one and the only one who would care about the sht they’re in. that’s some great writing if you ask me.

the voice acting was perfect. only ones i recognized were steve buscemi as nebbercracker and maggie gyllenhal as the babysitter, but that doesn’t mean the others weren’t great. because they were and they fit the roles like condoms. take for example pixar’s cars. cars don’t talk but after the movie, you might say that a talking car could sound like that. in monster house, dj and the rest of the characters sound exactly like they look and the way they would if you bumped into them in real life. and i need not even discuss how good the animation is, every cgi movie that comes out after the last one just ups the ante that im guessing there will be virtually no use for real actors in the near future (which i honestly hope never happens, at least not until jessica alba bares it all). for me, chowder seemed the most realistic of them. his movements were just… right. there’s a very noticeably big difference between a cartoony turn of the head and humanly real turn of the head. chowder, and the rest of the “cast”, had the latter. my only gripe about this movie are the unreal parts, like the inside of the house (the outside, i bought. but the inside was just too much. an uvula?!) and the unbelievable climactic end sequences. they should have retained the realism a bit more. good twist ending though. oh and if you pay attention, there are some good jokes in there that only an adult would get.

this movie was the brainchild of a guy fresh out of film school. good job dude. plus, he was backed up by the best in the business. robert zemeckis and steven spielberg? ‘nuff said.

the good: animation, story, and that freakin house.
the bad: the house’s interior and the over-the-top sequences.
the ugly: the old man’s wife.
the score: 8 bottles of urine.

home skiz home

DEATH TRANCE by jaiskizzy

2006-09-10T22:50:00.000+08:00

a samurai-lookin dude wrecks havoc in a temple and steals a mysterious coffin that carries a myth that it can grant wishes. soon a rumor spreads that a monster of a man is making rounds and killing off people, keeping the heads in a coffin, all the while accompanied by a child. later, a monk arrives at the temple and is sent by the archbishop to find the thief and bring the coffin back. he is given a sword with a handle that resembles a penis and cannot be unsheathed. from there it's fight after fight after fight. who is destined to pull the sword out of its scabbard? why it's entitled death trance, i'll never know. or care. japanese live action anime is the shiznit, baby!

i first used "live action and anime" together when i reviewed another japanese film in the past, casshern (click here if you want to read it). live actors performing anime-type action. in perfect execution. combined with anime-type shots and more or less the same kind of storytelling. well, i guess only the japanese can pull off something like that, anime is theirs anyways, because here's another example of that cinematic splendor. actually, most of the japanese action movies ive come across kinda utilize the same formula one way or another and i guess that's their trademark, same way that high flying kung fu is the trademark of chinses action films. what's the trademark of pinoy action movies? is it the rapid succession of punches to the stomach punctuated by a clap to the ears? the destruction of cars that were obviously taken from the junkyard? or the big warehouse final gunfight/brawl scene? doesnt matter anyways. i mean, there really hasnt been any decent (couldnt use good) pinoy action film recently. or has there been any action film at all?

anyhow, while our local action stars are busy trying to save their carrers on tv, the rest of the world just keeps getting better and better. like the emergence of tony jaa for instance. in japan, tak sakaguchi is one of the top action stars. i first saw him in the movie versus (a good one). death trance is the very much-awaited follow up to that movie, helmed by the same director. they basically have the same approach: most characters are nameless, tak is the best fighter, everyone wants him dead. in death trance however, tak is up against better opponents, worthy of his fighting skills. there's this one woman who kicks his ass, a couple of ninjas, and a group of zombies that fight back. then there's the final battle sequence where he's up against... a goddess. of destruction. cool eh? of course, there are also some characters who are on his side. well not actually allies, they're just drawn by the same purpose: the coffin. there's the monk, and then there's the little girl who resembles rin, sesshoumaru's sidekick in inuyasha. this little girl drinks blood instead of milk. oh yeah, steven seagal's son is there too and he's got a gun. and a sword. and a really stupid looking haircut which is an example of how those weird and cool anime haircuts would look like in real life.

dialgoue's kinda bad, costumes were good, the action, great. tak's fight scenes arent like the usual ones we see in other movies. nothing fancy or outrageous. he just gets it done, punching his way through, beating them with his stick (which turns out to be not just an ordinary stick). oh, and this is one of the few movies ive seen where the punches do connect. tak takes care of business with coolness and arrogance, he just knows he'll be the last man standing. and smiling. when he falls down, he just goes back right up, none of that dramatic slow-mo sht. steven seagal's son does clean house differently though. gun, sword, and at one point he even builds together a rocket launcher out of nowhere. which sorta puts the timeline in modern times right? but there are no buildings and no one's wearing a watch or using a cellphone. they're all dressed like it's the feudal era. must be post-apocalyptic japan. well, wherever or whenever that is, it's not a good idea to go walking alone in the woods if you cant fight, 'cause you aint goin nowhere.

when the end credits roll, tak is named grave although nobody ever calls him that in the movie. i guess the director felt names arent important in this kind of movie, you just remember the characters. unlike in many pinoy movies, the characters' names dont even fit the actor or actress. sheesh. anyways, death trance is a great film if you take it as it is. ask nothing more and you will be rewarded by bottomline mindless but fun dynamic entertainment. else, stay away and watch something like you are the one. eugh!

the good: the hits, the weapons, tak sakaguchi's coolness.
the bad: no back stories, no names, no plot.
the ugly: the throbbing penis sword. and the goddess of destruction didnt look much like a goddess.
the score: 8 chained up coffins.

skizziguchi

NACHO LIBRE by jaiskizzy

2006-08-04T10:48:00.000+08:00

the always funny jack black stars as ignacio, a friar/cook in a mexican orphanage who grew up dreaming of becoming a luchador and a luchador is one who participates in the mexican sport lucha libre. lucha libre is mexican wrestling. anyways, with the diminishing food supply, and the arrvial of the hot nun, sister encarnacion, ignacio steps up to finally fulfill his dream. with the help of esqueleto, he dons a costume and enters the lucha ring as nacho. despite getting their asses kicked, the twosome earn money and soon set their sights on the big leagues. will they succeed? will nacho bang the hot nun in steamy rough forbidden sex? will i stop asking these questions and get on with the review?

the first movie where i first recognized jack black's talents was high fidelity, a love story-ish film starring john cusack. i cant exactly remember his role but he was a record store clerk who had an extensive musically knowledge. i think it was kind of a gay role, not sure, but maybe it's because the only scene i can remember him in is him listening to walking on sunshine. i checked the internet movie database and goodness, this dude has been in a ton of movies before that, in less prominent roles. i'd have to watch some of them again (especially high fidelity. that was a good one) to seek him out. anyways, jack black was born to be funny. he has the face, the body, belly, the wit, the skills, and he uses these to deliver the funniness effectively. he's that friend of your who wouldnt mind making a fool out of himself just to make the group laugh. he made falling in love funny in shallow hal and made us wish he had been our grade school music teacher in school of rock. here in nacho libre, he makes churchlife seem fun, and the sport of lucha libre funny (it is taken seriously in mexico). he is the main man of laughs in this film, (esqueleto failed to impress me) with one exception: that monk who said he'd been having diarrhea because of the food ignacio serves. the line, the way it was said, and the context, made me laugh out loud. the rest is all jack black, almost every scene he's in and every line he says is hilarious. his in-ring antics were classic, how can a fat guy like him be so agile? but my favorite ones were his impromptu songs. jack black's other talent is music, his next movie is a semi-bio about his band, tenacious d (their songs are awesome: fck her gently, tribute, and the skit inward singin). anyways, as jack lets loose a bit of that musical genius in a couple of songs, one began about his turn to sing and then sequed to ramses, the greatest luchador in the world, the other dedicated to his love interest, encarnacion. both were darn funny and jack black golden (complete with self-instrumenation), but encarnacion was my favorite. made me laugh so hard, with "i eat bugs,i eat grass, with my hand i wipe my... tears" and then "encarnacion! encarnacion!". never thought a name like that can be funny.

did you notice i said "almost every scene"? blame the director jared hess for making me say almost. he did the same thing with napoleon dynamite. not all the jokes and gags work. like a mango tree, not all the mangoes you're gonna get would suit your taste. there'll be big sweet ones (or sour, if you prefer), some ordinary ones, and then there are those that are cracked open and rotten. there were quite a lot of rottens in napoleon dynamite (for me, i guess. lots of other people worship every frame of that film), and a few in nacho. these particular scenes resemble those in pinoy comedy flicks: planned rescue blows when ignacio mistakes two bystanders as the hired brawlers, the training scenes, and the old and tired "nyeh!". bad choices, mr. hess.

jared hess should be immensely grateful for having jack black on board. he pulled this film together like that scene where he is in his recreational clothes and he clinches his butt. surrounded by mundane characters, this was a one-man show. i also liked how he punctuates any references to lucha libre with a glorified look on his face, you know like the one i'd wear if i saw jennifer love hewitt's boobs in person. and who would take a romantic walk with a woman he's attracted to and then stop near a wall and do a one-knee-bent pose to impress her? only jack black. a walking tub of lard and laughs. the same cannot be said for his sidekick, esqueleto. he's just not funny. the big grins, the screams, failed attempts at being funny. horrible. he is no match for napoleon dynamite's partner, pedro. the fat kid, chancho, did a better job. and then there is that sweet sexy senorita, sister encarnacion. there should be a bible passage somewhere that prohibits nuns being this hot and dimpled because more sins would just be committed at the sight of her. kneeling. hands clasped near her lips (thunder!). anways, she looks a lot like penelope cruz (prettier, imho) with a pinch of winona rider. she gave a great performance of just being hot.

this movie, like many, is in a "hit or miss" zone. on one side, there's the people who would enjoy it to the bone, and there's the uptight ones who'd say they wasted their money. it's a hit for me, i'd watch anything with jack black in it (or will ferrell. or better yet, jack black and will ferrell!!) because he is the one of the few jesters left in this business that can really make us laugh with the least amount of effort. he did his magic here and made it as funny as it is. here's to more comedies, jack!

the good: jack black. and the hot nun (bless me father for i have sinned...)
the bad: esqueleto's "trying hard"-ness. pinoy-ish comedy.
the ugly: them hairy midgets.
the score: 7 corns on sticks.

skizzo libra

THE BREAK-UP by jaiskizzy

2006-07-28T22:47:00.001+08:00

after meeting at a baseball game, a tour guide dude and rachel, from friends, fall madly in love with each other, and live in a condo together, seemingly inseparable. but then one night, through an argument over lemons, the artsy girlfriend calls it quits with her video-game-loving boyfriend. both parties, however, refuse to leave the condo, and they start throwing sht at each other (figuratively, of course, but what a sight it would have been if it wasn’t, eh?) to determine who’ll fold up first and make amends. who will win this war? hang on to your lover’s hair ‘cause some of the stuff you’ll see will be familiar.

let’s face it, love’s a killer. sure it’s a good thing, it inspires you, makes you feel high and all, but you’re putting so much at stake, it’s a disaster when it goes bad. they called it “falling” in love for good reason. it’s a risk to take that path: either someone catches you or you end up in pieces at the bottom. and even if somebody did catch you, you know there’s still a slim chance they just might throw you over again. i know because i’ve had four ex-girlfriends, and each one of them i thought, she was the one. anyways, this movie has a lot of truth in it. it begins with pictures of vince vaughn and jennifer aniston kissing, having fun with friends, kissing, going to places, and… kissing. just what all couples in love have. awww sweetness… well, some good things must come to an end because what other thing do all couple have? fights (seriously if you’ve honestly never had a fight with your significant other over anything, you’re lying). and like most fights we all have, this one is just as stupid: vince bought 3 apples when jennifer asked him to buy 12. they shout, say things they’d regret later, things get out of hand, boom. the movie’s title. the movie, however, i think is not about who was right or wrong. it’s about the consequences, the aftermath of the break-up, and choices they made, which, even though meant for laughs, was making it all worse. jennifer goes on dating other guys, vince invites some strippers over, stuff we all would have done as well given that situation despite having knowledge that it’s wrong. that’s how very faithful to life this film is and im pretty sure anyone who watches this will have one or two realizations.

im not gonna go and ruin the ending for those who haven’t seen it. well, there really isn’t any ending to ruin because it does not matter how it ends. only two things can happen after a break-up: one, you go your separate ways and either forget about each other or be friends; and two, you get back together. anyways, you probably wouldn’t like how this movie ends, but i guess that’s an intended reaction. it shows you what happens if you do this or that. i think the ending’s just right.

i apologize if im making this sound more like a love doctor’s lecture than a movie review. apart from its genuine representation of relationships, there’s zero else worth noting. this film is mostly vince vaughn, i guess the writer was male. he did well in his role, give and take pretty much how we all men are. lazy, insensitive, stubborn. vince vaughn was a good choice, words that come out from his mouth are some of the words that stay in my head. im sure some of that weren’t in the script. now i cant say the same for jennifer aniston. she’s still rachel to me. she really oughta something about it, take on a role like charlize theron in monster and maybe she can shake off that “friends”-style of acting and show her versatility. else, i, and others who have seen her wear the princes leia costume for ross, would never get the chance to take her seriously (but a round of applause for that walking-around-naked scene).

overall, there’s just not enough laughs to consider this film a comedy. it’s more like a bad but convincing reality tv show episode. except that it’s not real. anyways, i think only those in a solid, strong relationship can survive watching this. if you’re having a tough time with your pardner, stay away, this won’t help. instead, just get porn.

the good: the arguments, how most couples would relate to it, and jennifer aniston’s ass.
the bad: flat minor characters, and inadequate humor.
the ugly: the tone rangers. and marilyn dean. ugh.
the score: 5 lemons.

jai

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST by jaiskizzy

2006-07-16T22:45:00.000+08:00

the gist: in this swashbucklin sequel to the curse of the black pearl, the talented mr. johnny depp returns as the peculiar pirate and antihero of the high seas, jack sparrow. pardon me... captain jack sparrow. legolas/will turner and his hottie wife-to-be, keira knightley, are need to find him to save their necks from the gallows, he, on the other hand is looking for a key which would open a chest, the contents of which will help him settle his debt of death to the dreadful davy jones. will the captain succeed in salvaging his soul? will will (tee-hee!) turner and his feisty fiancee do some pleasurable pirate pumping? (mickey says nope!) oh well... avast, landlubbers! wacko captain jacko is backo.

the reaction: the only other pirate movie i saw before this and after the first one is a porn flick entitled pirates. yes, you read that right. porn. but clear your head of the cheesy nonsense pre-sex situations and equally cheesy nonsense dialogue because pirates was actually a very good movie. it had great special effects. it had a story. it had set designs. it had costumes. and yes it had hardcore sex, but the point is that it looked like a hollywood-made film, leaping miles beyond b-movie territory. bottomline: if a porn company can come up with something like that, what more can hollywood do right? well, years ago, the curse of the black pearl became a surprise hit as nobody thought that a movie based on a disneyland theme park ride and made by kid-friendly disney would do well in the box office. it surpassed expectations and left the fans wanting more. turns out it's actually a trilogy, and here came part 2. is dead man's chest as good as its predecessor? nah... it's better! the first one was a fresh fun frolicky flick on a subject none of us havent seen in decades: pirates (hook was about peter pan, mostly). it introduced us to captain jack sparrow, will turner, and elizabeth swann, and now they've taken these three persons (and some small players) and put them in an all-new adventure, against the usual way of sequels showing pretty much the same from the original, comparable to the equally entertaining indiana jones movies.

dead man's chest begins with a woman's chest, keira knightley under the rain, and from there we are taken on a wild roller coaster-y ride, and i think exactly a roller coaster ride because the movie kinda starts off slow (this is for non-watchers of the first movie to get to know the characters), much like the long queue you go through before you actually get strapped onto the cars. however, i was never bored with any of the non-action scenes and though that it was a proper re-introduction, especially with captain jack sparrow and his count of monte cristo-inspired entrance (note that gun he aptly brandishes in the posters). once that is done, the movie picks up the pace and kicks off the endless fun. like the first one, this may be an action-adventure movie but it never takes itself seriously, and ultimately triumphs as a comedy. but dont expect the laugh-out-loud balls-to-the-floor type. the movie is about silly fun and that's the kind of fun-ny you will get. i had the most laughs for the sequences in the cannibal tribe island. cannibalism has never been as hilarious. even the serious character of will turner takes part in the hilarity. but of course, when it comes to fun, the captain is your prime pirate. also, if you pay attention to the dialogue, there'll be lots of jokes and innuendos to giggle at.

dead man's chest does not let one down on the awe aspect as well. i enjoyed all the action sequences a lot, the three-way swordfight was great from start to finish. the special effects were awesome, so awesome that in some parts, it's hard to tell which are real and which are cgi. of course, the magnificent monster of mayhem, the kraken, is obviously cgi but all of its scenes were terrific. but davy jones wins the best cgi prize on this one. this octopus-faced villain was so well-done, some kid's gonna have nightmares about him. those tentacles are so life-like, always squirming about, and davy jones even uses them as extra limbs to hold things and play the piano (as opposed to the low budget medusa effect of darna's nemesis, valentina, using eels. the nerve these morons claim that they're at par with hollywood standards! spit!). great character design and great translation on the screen. also, one memorable scene for me is when the flying dutchman, davy jones' sinister skeletal ship, submerges into the ocean with and over-the-shoulder camera angle on an unflinching davy jones. neato!

the actors get the largest portion of kudos, and the versatile mr. johnny depp takes most of it, being the genius behind captain jack sparrow. instead of giving us the cliche cutthroat pirate performance, he opted for an eccentric swaggerring almost gay-like interpretation, loosely based on the rolling stones guitarist keith richards, at least according to the depp (keith richards will play captain jack sparrow's father in part 3). and just like in part 1, the depp carried the whole film, owning every scene he appears in. of course, legolas and keira "amidala decoy" knightley were just as great with their respective roles, orlando, keeping his will turner as the calculated commanding hero against the happy-go-lucky wing-it captain jack sparrow, and keira being pouty and spunky and yummy like most girlfriends are. i wouldnt have cared if she didnt have any lines. she did a naked vanity fair cover. she's hot. the rest of the minor characters did well too, biggs was good and so is the inclusion of bald headed fatso and guy with a wooden eye, but i cant help but notice that the beckett guy was sort of doing a captain jack sparrow thing with his role. and who would forget bill nighy as davy jones, yes there was a real actor behind that cgi, the dude who played the rude old rockstar in love actually and sang "christmas is all around me", and viktor in underworlds 1 & 2. the voicing was just perfect. overall, a cast of champions.

the conclusion: shiver me timbers! a well-done follow-up movie to a seemingly hard to follow-up movie (i hope you understood that). the figures agree: dead man's chest took the record from spider-man for being the highest grossing film on its opening weekend (spidey=114.8 million; captain jack=$132 million). a cult series in the making, im sure that disney will find it difficult to turn a blind eye to the fans after part 3 arrives and proves to be a splash hit as well. if disney makes the right decisions, i strongly believe that the pirates of the caribbean franchise can do to the sea what star wars did to space. arrr!

the good: the special effects, the comedy, and captain jack sparrow.
the bad: some incomprehensible pirate language, and the slightly uneven pace.
the ugly: davy jones's crew.
the verdict: 8 compasses that do not point north.

captain jai skizzo

SUPERMAN RETURNS by jaiskizzy

2006-07-01T09:43:00.000+08:00

it has been five years since superman disappeared from the face of the earth just like that (snap!). the world has moved on with him, and so has lois lane, who is now with a child and a new man in her life. and just like that (snap!) the big blue boy scout returns and catches up on the things he missed. meanwhile, the evil lex luthor has another evil scheme up his evil sleeve: use the crystals he found in superman's fortress of solitude to make a new kryptonian continent right next to america. will he succeed or will our formidable flying friend foil the foul fiendish foe's felony? fee-fi-fo-fum!

first, i am angered that they did not show us the spider-man 3 teaser trailer. it was supposed to be included in all prints of superman returns, and i so expected to see it in the theater but alas! some morons decided not to release it just yet. what? they gonna show it in front of some stupid pinoy teen love team flick? curses! disappointed, i went to apple.com and watched the trailer there and thanks to the goosebumps, i am now okay.

so there i was with layla, lying on our lazy-boy seats, finishing our popcorn and drinks before the movie started. then the lights went out, spider-man was a no show, and then... superman returned. as kyrpton exploded and the credits rolled (or flashed, like the opening credits of superman 1, props to that!), i repeated in my head a pre-movie mantra i think every comic book geek knows: please, don't suck... please, don't suck... please, don't suck...

well, it didnt suck. it... sipped (i hope you get it).

as a kid, when i first saw superman the movie in betamax, i thought it was the most amazing thing i have ever seen in my entire life. holy hummingbirds, that man can fly! fast forward to the present, it is only understandable for a fanboy like me to expect as much. but i read a couple of not so good reviews, and i forced myself to lower my expectations. now those were met. the rest, misfired. i believe that it is bryan singer's fault, that he was given too much freedom with the material, and that he wanted to pay homage to the original too much that he made a movie that had personality issues. wait, folks. dont crucify me yet. i liked the movie. i feel i got my money's worth. but it needs improvement. it has more flaws than i thought it would have.

now before i delve into the details of what worked and what didnt in superman returns, i must warn you that i will be treading in spoilersville. actually, to me, this review is spoiler-free. i mean, what is there to spoil? it's superman versus lex, superman will obviously win and save the day. plus, there's the love story and we all know where that's going, so technically, no spoilers. but for goodness' sake, if you havent watched the movie, i would recommend that you stop reading this right now and just come back here when you've seen it. thanks.

passionately honoring the superman legend and choosing to follow the continuity of superman 2 was both a hit and miss for bryan singer and co. sure, he had to show his love for the superman mythos and do this as a tribute to those who went before him, but this only makes superman returns less original, seeming like more of a remake (of superman 1) than a sequel. some of it where cool though, like retaining the silly but iconic cowlick, and the one photograph of superman carrying a car above him which is exactly like the action comics #1 cover where superman first appeared. i did like the superman and lois flying scene a bit (which they already did in superman 1) because this one was done in a different context and how this used the same theme that played in the original. (layla questioned what the flying scene was for, to which i replied that in superman 2, superman erased lois lane's memory of her knowledge that clark kent is superman and who knows what else was deleted. and besides, if i was superman, id take her flying everyday!). and while im on the subject of flight, the flying effects were okay but having scene all of this in matrix reloaded and revolutions, it wasnt anytything new.

i didnt like the idea of superman just leaving like that without saying au revoir to search for kryptonian answers and then come home with nothing. they should have at least made him find something, no matter how insignificant, or or maybe something found him, so that at least his 5 year-absence was a total waste of time. it's also awkward how his return was just accepted like air by everyone, except lois, and as clark kent he just goes back to work like he just took a day off. the coincidence of superman and clark being gone at the same time and returning at the same time wasnt even touched. only one scene sniffs at this suspicious subject: lois lane and her husband-to-be compare superman's stats with clark's but they dismiss it with a nerdy wave from clark. a weak scene, would've have been better if clark clumnsily toppled a pen holder or a pile of papers instead. superman returns scores low on humor. not much in the drama department either, so leave your box of tissues at home (in superman 1 i fought tears from fallin when jonathan kent died and clark said that he couldnt even save him despite all his powers. classic). i guess bryan singer needs to work on his tearjerking.

what i do think bryano is quite good at is finding untapped talent. he gave us hugh jackman with wolverine, now he's got brandon routh. when i first saw this guy in a few online pics as clark kent, he had a slight resemblance to the late christopher reeve. in the movie, not only does he look a bit like chris, he sounds very much like him as well, especially in clark kent move. he was great as clark kent, but kinda lacked the simpleton-ness that chris conveyed. he also did good as superman (the resemblance ends with clark kent), but still needs to work on the level of respect that chris's superman demanded. and is it me, or doesnt the way he flies looks kinda awkward? (this is evident in the pre-end credits flight scene where brandon flies and smiles to the camera the same manner it was done by chris in the 4 superman films. im sure that if you played those scenes side by side, you'd notice the difference.) i also think he needs to practice "pain" acting more. tom welling seemed better at this. overall, mr routh was a good choice for this role. another good choice which really surprised me was kate bosworth. i initally thought she was a miscast, considering her previous roles (a babe in rules of attraction, a surfer chick in blue crush), and how she didnt look like the lois lane type. but lick my loins, what a great performance by miss bosworth. great as reporter lois, great as mommy lois, and great as you-left-and-i-moved-on lois. would have been better with a pinch of margot kidder's quirkiness, the role was kinda too serious, but that's just me. photo-junkie jimmy olsen was good, and so was perry white, although i wonder what it would have been like if hugh laurie (house) got the role. the inclusion of cyclops was okay too, a good guy instead of being "she's mine" psychotic. it was also nice to see that the kid didnt do any haley joel osment or dakota fanning all-out acting (watch out for the piano scene). also, the little screen time that martha kent had was effective, especially in her last scene, looking up at the hospital because she cant go in or else she blows superman's cover. which finally brings us to the role of lex luthor. hmm. ive always like kevin spacey as an actor, he was great in the usual suspects (also by b.s.), k-pax, american beauty, the life of david gale etc. here, he wasnt great. not even good, imho. i prefer the lex luthor portrayal of gene hackman, and im sure kevin spacey used that as inspiration and mixed it with his own, which led to a mad, unconvincing lex. gene hackman's lex was arrogant and rude and funny, repetitively proclaiming that he is the greatest criminal mind of the century, and casually dealing with three powerful kryptonian villains. kevin spacey's lex just comes off as a 2-dimensional power-hungry mastermind. i do however have sort of absorbed his "billions!" and "wroonnngg!!!" lines, so i guess he managed to squeeze in a good one. and then there's lex's neanderthal minions, one who looks like will ferrell and another who looks like adrien brody, who were pretty useless, and i couldnt see why they had to cast kumar from harold & kumar go to white castle, in an equally useless, yes-sir role. kitty was great though, enjoyed her car with no breaks scene, but she is no ms. teschmacher.

now about the costume... it was fine with me. they had to do some changes, okay. the s became smaller, okay. there's an s on the belt and no s on the cape, okay. keyword: acceptance. but i think the colors were kinda dull. when the s shield is displayed in the opening credits, it was shiny and vibrant. why then did they have a different color scheme with the costume? because... the shield would look dull if they used the costume colors. sheesh. and then there is superman's boots. or, more appropriately, his "combat" boots. looked like they were designed by skechers. very out of place with superman's sleek suit. and by the way, they really schould start tackling the science behind the costume. if bullets ricocheting off of it dont leave a scratch, how come a human doctor was able to rip it off so easily?

all in all, i think this was a good "reintroduction" movie. im sure some would get blown away by the airplane resuce sequence. it was good scene, but i thought it needed more oomph, as this movie needed more action than just superman carrying stuff. heat vision was used well here, i particularly liked the sheet that superman made to disintegrate the falling debris. after several paragraphs, i still havent said enough about this movie. there many other things to like and love, to hate and hiss at. maybe it was just that we expected too much after taking so long for the movie to arrive at the silvescreen. remember, it could have been worse: nicholas cage was once cast as superman and one producer wanted to make some "gay" changes. clearly, bryan singer wasnt able to perform the magic he did with xmen 1 & 2 but was able to put on a good show for fans and non-fans alike. and hey, it's superman, dude! that man can fly!

the good: homages, acting, and that one scene where superman bathes in the sun's rays!
the bad: lex, costume, having nothing new.
the ugly: the borrowed scenes from spider-man (run jump run) and james bond (you'll see... well, only if you saw goldeneye).
the verdict: 7 kryptonite shards.

superskizzy.

LE PARFUM DE LA DAME EN NOIR by jaiskizzy

2006-06-16T22:43:00.000+08:00

ist: a great magician dies and the widow, the titular lady in black, remarries. the newlyweds spend their honeymoon on a nice little house, home to a handful of peculiar people. one of the guests suspects that the magician is dead which makes the lady in black the lady in danger. he and his bumbling sidekick must put their heads together to solve this mystery and unmask the crook amongst the other guests. guided by subtitles! yay.

a classic example of the film ingenuity of the french. you’ll never see a pinoy movie like this (unless some wacko plagiarizes it). the core of this film is its unconventional humor, it’s funny, quirky, and amazingly light, despite dealing with danger and death. weird that it’s almost magical how something serious is being discussed and then the zealous hostess would suddenly cut the tension with “let’s eat!” which instead of being annoying makes you laugh a bit. there’s just too many ridiculously funny scenes to enumerate, but one of my favorites would be the two guys hiding in a well each with a periscope to spy around them (im pretty sure you have no idea what im talking about. it’s just one of those “have to see” things). normally it would have been corny in another movie but here it just wasn’t. it perfectly jived with the tender tickle tone of the film. another favorite would be the solar submarine sequence, again a seemingly out-of-place idea but integral to the story.

hsuck me sideways if i knew who the director was, but whoever he is, he did quite a job here, there were some great camera shots (thumbs up to flashback scene in the school hallway) and fine scene “choreography”, like when one character retells an event in his point of view, we see the exact same scene that was previously shown but in a different perspective. only a few movies got this to work. another reason why this movie is such a bundle of enjoyment is its characters, all of them colorful and full of life, each with their eccentricities. for me, the best of the bunch is the dude who played sainclair, who looks so much like alan cummings. he has sort of a charlie chaplin aura with him and a teensy bit of gayness. sainclair is one funny chap and most of the time not on purpose. he steals every scene he is in. so he’s kind of like a speaking charlie chaplin. minus the slapsticks. one very notable scene has sainclair hiding in a workshop trying to stay quiet but instead causes more ruckus that results into a domino effect/chain reaction of the objects inside.

an unusual film with an unusual plot and unusual characters. needless to say, i had an unusually good time.

the good: the storytelling style, the characters, the humor.
the bad: a french film with no nudity?!? minus points!
the ugly: honestly... the lady in black.
the verdict: 7 detachable periscopes

le skizzeur.